


Digital Love

by neon_bible



Series: Discovery [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angry Sex, Bottom Hux, Bottom Kylo Ren, Crack, Cuddling & Snuggling, Evil Space Boyfriends, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, General Ginger, Knights of Ren - Freeform, M/M, Ownership, Spanking, Tattoos, Top Hux, Top Kylo Ren, han and leia ship it, hux is a terrible romantic, phasma is a good best friend, space lizards
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-06-02 21:10:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 49,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6582556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neon_bible/pseuds/neon_bible
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Following the disastrous weaponry summit on Corellia, Ren and Hux enter into a six-week trial relationship discovery period. Phasma mostly ships it, Han and Leia totally ship it, Ren buys a treehouse on Endor and the First Order encounters tragic financial setbacks. </p>
<p>Sequel to Veridis Quo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Terms and Conditions

Hux was bent over the sink when he felt the shuttle drop out of light speed, which could only mean one thing: They were almost back to the _Finalizer_.

“Ren,” Hux said, turning to look and trying to get his grip on the sink despite Ren’s relentless fucking into him, “We’re almost back.”

“Ok,” Ren said.

“Ok,” Hux said, rolling his eyes, “So are you almost done?”

“Am I taking too long for you, General?” Ren asked.

“I didn’t say that. I just wanted to know if you’re almost done.”

“Are you in a hurry?”

“We’re landing soon,” Hux said, “We need to take our seats.”

“And take our seats we will,” Ren said, “Once I’m finished.”

“Which is why I was asking you if you’re almost done.”

“You’ll know when I’m done.”

“Well can you give me an ETA?” Hux said, “I’d like to get dressed before we land, or before your flight staff catches us --”

“Could you stop talking?”

Hux rolled his eyes and turned back around as Ren roughly grabbed hold of his neck and collarbone.

“Stop that. You’re going to leave a bruise,” Hux said over Ren’s grunting.

Ren let go, but grunted louder and fucked harder, as if to prove a point before coming inside of Hux, then collapsing on top of him. Hux sighed, pinned beneath Ren and the sink.

“I’m worn out,” Ren said.

“This is uncomfortable,” Hux said.

“I need something to drink.”

“I can’t breathe.”

Ren pulled out of Hux and retrieved a strawberry Fanta from the fridge and took a few swigs as he pulled his underwear on. Hux glared at him.

“Ren.”

“What?”

“You’ve moved on to strawberry soda?”

“I said I was thirsty.”

“I didn’t finish.”

“Oh,” Ren said, “You didn’t?”

Hux looked down at his still-hard dick.

“Does it look like I’ve finished?”

“Well how was I supposed to know?” Ren asked, “I thought you were in a hurry so I figured you’d take care of it yourself.”

Ren took a few more swigs of soda then stood in front of Hux, lifting him and placing him on the countertop. He sunk down to his knees, setting his Fanta down, and hoisted Hux’s legs over his shoulders, then took him in his mouth. Hux took in a sharp breath at feeling Ren’s mouth wrap around him. It was icy cold from the soda and tingly from the carbonation.

Ren sucked Hux for a few moments and then removed him from his mouth with an audible pop.

“When does our trial relationship start?” Ren asked.

Hux rolled his eyes.

“Could you finish sucking me off please first before we discuss the details of our trial relationship?”

“Sure, General,” Ren said, taking Hux back into his mouth. Ren swallowed Hux’s cock and held it there... for longer than Hux had thought possible. Just when Hux was going to instruct him to come up for air, lest they require a trip to the _Finalizer_ ER immediately upon returning, Ren released, sucked his head, then swallowed him again. Hux came all over the back of his throat and then Ren stood, wiping his mouth.

“Better?”

“Much.”

“So when does our trial relationship start?” Ren repeated.

Hux rolled his eyes and hopped down from the counter.

“Soon.”

“How soon?”

“Once I get back to my desk and have time to draw up the terms and conditions.”

“Terms and conditions?”

“Yes,” Hux said simply and began getting dressed. Ren got dressed too, again taking time to situate his robes. He was still without his cowl and gloves, but, in between watching Degrassi and fucking Hux, he’d ordered replacements from Amazon Prime. With any luck, they’d be waiting in the mailroom for him.

“Why do we need terms and conditions?” Ren asked.

“Because it’s a _trial_ , Ren,” Hux said, “How will we properly evaluate our trial relationship at the end of the six weeks unless we have a benchmark against which to compare it?”

Ren shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“I know you don’t,” Hux said as they took their seats for landing, “Which is why I’m taking the lead.” Hux sat behind Ren.

“Are you mad at me?” Ren asked, looking behind him.

“No.”

“Is it because I forgot to make you come?”

“I’m not mad at you, Ren.”

“Then why won’t you sit next to me?”

Hux rolled his eyes thoroughly, unbuckled his seatbelt and sat down next to Ren.

“Better?”

“Much.”

***

Once they landed, Hux couldn’t get to Millicent fast enough. He strode through the halls as quickly as he could and when that wasn’t enough, broke into a light jog.

Ren was still with him, jogging too now, despite lugging his bulky duffel bag draped over his shoulder, sleeves still dragging the floor and wheeling Hux’s suitcase behind him too.

When they arrived at Phasma’s door, Ren dropped the bags and used the button to buzz her.

“Phas! It’s me!” Ren yelled into the tiny speaker, pressing the button firmly with his thumb, “And Hux!”

“The Evil Space Boyfriends have returned,” Phasma’s voice replied through the speaker as her door unlocked.

Ren entered first, dragging their bags in, dropping them by the door and then rushing up Phasma’s sweeping staircase to her second-story loft bedroom. Phasma’s quarters were a custom creation. She’d hired one of the winners of of HGTV’s _Design Star_ and had even dipped into her own pocket to procure the funds. She described the design style as _Great Gatsby Glam_ crossed with an Anna Karenina-inspired _turn-of-the-century Russia._ Phasma was resting in her palace of a bedroom, the gargantuan four-posted bed elevated by twelve or so steep steps and outfitted with hand-spun silk bedding. Kylo rushed up the steps and dove into bed with her.

“I missed you Phas,” he said, burying his head in her lap.

“I missed you too, darling,” she said and bent to kiss his hair, “Where’s your helmet?”

“The Corellia PD has it. They’re going to mail to me once it’s been dusted for prints and cleared. It’s involved in a homicide investigation.”

Hux, still on the ground level, was searching desperately. “Where’s my cat?”

“Up here. This is her throne.”

Hux rushed up the steps now too. Millicent was seated atop a tuft of four fine silk pillows, freshly-brushed, nose held high and purring like a queen.

“Millie!” Hux cried and scrambled across the bed. He grabbed her up and hugged her, pressing kiss after kiss to her little head. She meowed in protest, and once she was put down, got to work licking her paw and smoothing down the fur Hux had ruffled.

“I’m never leaving you again, Millie,” Hux promised and picked her back up. Millie mewed as Hux made his way for the steps.

“You’re leaving?” Phasma said.

“I have my cat. So, yes,” Hux said, “I’ll be heading out now. I’ll send a bellhop to collect her belongings and return them to my quarters.”

“You’re not going to tell me what the hell happened on Corellia?” Phasma asked. She was petting Ren’s hair now and Hux was pretty sure Ren was purring too.

“People had too much to drink and we all did things we regret,” Hux said, “There’s nothing more to say.”

“Hux,” Ren said, lifting his head now, “You don’t regret doing me do you?”

There was a beat.

“Wait,” Phasma said.

Another beat.

“You fucked him?” Phasma yelled, startling Millicent. Hux held her tighter and placed a soothing kiss to her head.

“He fucked you?” Phasma asked Ren when Hux failed to respond quickly enough.

“He did,” Ren said, “And it was good.”

Phasma rejoiced.  

“He’s good at being on top,” Ren said.

“I have to leave now,” Hux said.

“Wait, tell me about it!” Phasma said to Hux, stroking Ren’s hair, “You fucked my best friend and you’re not even going to tell me how he was?”

“We’re leaving,” Hux said firmly, facing backwards and descending the steps carefully.

“But I’m not ready to go, Hux,” Ren said, “I’ve missed Phas.”

“I meant _we_ as in myself and Millicent,” Hux said, still descending, “You can do as you please.”

Ren sat up, crawled over to the edge of the bed and looked over the side, peeking down at Hux. “Ok,” he said, “Do you need help with your stuff?”

“No.”

“Do you want me to come by your place later?”

“No.”

Ren sighed. “You’re not going to kiss me goodbye?”

“Ren, attached with the terms and conditions of our trial relationship you’ll find a detailed Meyers-Briggs personality profile where you’ll learn that I’m an INTJ, the first and most important letter being _I,_ meaning I’m an introvert, meaning I require _alone time_ to recharge, of which I’ve had none in the last few days. So yes, I’m leaving without you and no I don’t want to come by later and no I don’t need to kiss you goodbye.”

Ren stared, still peeking over the bed down nearly an entire flight of stairs and looking at Hux.

“So you don’t want to spend the night at my place?”

***

Ren, forever relishing in the opportunity to open packages, went to the mailroom first thing the next morning to pick up his new cowl and gloves. In his mailbox, there was also another box. From Hux. Ren rolled his eyes at Hux’s clogging up the _Finalizer's_ postal service when he could’ve just dropped this off -- whatever it was.

Ren rushed back to Phasma’s room and buzzed her.

“It’s me,” he said, “I got mail!” She let him in. He entered and kicked off his boots and most of his layers, then climbed the steps and curled up in bed with her again. She was still sick, so she wasn’t cleared to work.

“I miss that damn cat. Fucking Millicent,” Phasma said as Ren settled in next to her with an armload of boxes, “What is all of that?”

“A new cowl and new gloves. I got a couple sets in case I lose some more. And a package from Hux.”

Phasma opened the box from Hux while Ren opened his new gloves and cowl and tried them on. Inside the box, accompanied by an unnecessary slew of packing peanuts, a 3-inch thick 3-ring binder. She flipped through it.

“Kylo, darling,” she said.

“Yeah?”

“These are the terms and conditions of your trial relationship.”

***

Hux strode confidently around the command bridge, his boots extra shiny from a second round of polishing and his uniform extra crisp from additional use of the finest starch. Being absent from work was his personal hell, so he was delighted to find himself back in his natural habitat. He gave orders where none needed given, turned sharply on his heels for dramatic effect, stood with his back as straight as possible, arms clasped behind him and looked out proudly over the expanse of space before him that he had every intention of conquering and ruling with a deceptively oppressive iron fist. All was well in his world and nothing could --

“GENERAL!”

Hux turned and saw the source of the voice, but he already knew. _Ren._ A helmetless Ren.

“Lord Ren,” Hux said, “Something I can do for you?”

Ren crossed the entire bridge in a few sweeping steps. Tucked under his arm, the binder. Hux cringed.

“What the fuck is this?” Ren yelled. A few people nearby turned to look, then swiftly turned back to their consoles when Hux stared daggers at them.

“ _Are you crazy?_ ” Hux whispered, “Don’t bring our personal matters into--”

“Four hundred pages of required reading?” Ren yelled.

Hux pinched the bridge of his nose and grabbed Ren’s arm, dragging him away to his office located just off the _Finalizer_ bridge. The space was terrifyingly clean. Not a stray speck of dust, books alphabetized and categorized according to a self-made Dewey Decimal System. Custom-made and meticulously designed Restoration Hardware furniture, heroic images of former Galactic Empire leaders, an ivory statue of Grand Moff Tarkin and a small four-posted bed in the corner for Millicent. She currently sat there. Licking her paws to pristine perfection and lapping at mineral water intermittently.

“Are you completely mad?” Hux asked.

“I could say the same about you!” Ren said. “You expect me to read four hundred pages worth of rules just to be in a _six week_ trial relationship with you? I don’t even know if I can read 400 pages in six weeks.”

“Are you illiterate?”

“Can you just summarize it?”

“Sure, Ren, I can summarize it. Condition number one is: _Don’t mix our private and work relationships_ ,” Hux yelled. Millicent stopped her licking, paw poised mid-air, then went back to licking when she’d determined this interruption wasn’t worth her time.

Ren stared at him, angry, fire in his eyes. Then, his expression softened. He exhaled.

“Do you want to be with me or not, Hux?”

“Ren, our _define the status and nature of the relationship_ talk is outlined in chapters 3 and 8 of the binder you currently hold in your hands.”

“You don’t want to be with me,” Ren said.

“I didn’t say that,” Hux said.

“You’re stalling,” Ren said.

“I’m not!”

“You are!”

“I’m not!”

“You are!”

Ren and Hux glared at each other.

“For someone who seems hell bent on conquering the galaxy, you have a hard time figuring out what you want,” Ren said angrily.

“And I suppose you know exactly what you want?”

“Yes! I do know exactly what I want. I want to be with you. I want to fuck you every day. I want to wake up next to you every morning. I want to eat dinner with you every night. I want to have stupid arguments with you. I want to cuddle up on the sofa and hug and kiss and draw silly faces on our bare feet with sharpies,” Ren yelled, then took a breath and straightened, “Beyond that, I’d like to complete my training under Snoke, wipe out what few Jedi remain, become the most powerful force user in the history of the galaxy, adopt a lizard and finish remodeling the bathroom on my command shuttle.”

Hux, frankly, was startled. Ren _did_ know exactly what he wanted, both in his personal and professional life. Even down to adopting a lizard.

“I have something for you too, General,” Ren said bitterly and pulled a crumpled neon orange post it note from his pocket. He shoved it at Hux.

Hux inspected it. “What’s this?”

Ren turned to go, opening the door and stepping over the threshold. “The username and password for the Instagram account I just made for us.”

“And you forgot Darth Vader,” Ren said, motioning to Hux’s Galactic Empire Wall of Fame and slamming the door behind him.

***

As soon as Ren was gone, Hux looked over the Instagram account on his iPad. The account, titled “Evil Space Boyfriends” was only about six hours old and already boasted 1189 followers. There were no pictures of them together yet. The account was mostly comprised of the annual headshots Hux had taken by the _Finalizer’s_ staff photographer and a few pristine selfies that Ren had gleaned from Hux’s WordPress blog: _The Conquest of an Emperor_.

Hux rolled his eyes as he read over the captions. The most recent photo, posted 3h ago was Hux’s latest headshot -- _and a good one at that_ , Hux thought to himself.

The caption: _SO PERFECT! My favorite general. #evilspaceboyfriends #generalhux #kyloren #millicent #hotginger [heart eye emoji] [heart eye cat emoji] [red heart emoji] [green heart emoji] [blue heart emoji] [purple heart emoji]_

The photo had some 700 likes and a multitude of comments. Hux rolled his eyes and looked through the rest of the account. It was mostly the same: Photos of Hux and doting comments from Ren. Hux logged out of Instagram and buried his hands in his face. He considered contacting Instagram and having the account removed, but then, his iPad chimed. A notification from Instagram. Hux opened it and logged back in. Ren had posted a picture.

A sad looking walrus with a caption: JUST HAD OUR FIRST FIGHT!! #evilspaceboyfriends #generalhux #kyloren #sad _[eleven cry face emojis]_

Hux watched as, before his eyes, comments and assorted sympathies poured in.

Hux rolled his eyes again and sent Ren a text.

Hux: A little dramatic isn’t it?

Ren: Go away!

Hux’s phone buzzed again. Phasma.

Phasma: WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?

Hux ignored it. He’d already missed three full workdays in dealing with the weaponry summit and its related fallout. He had a lot to catch up on and he didn’t have time for trial boyfriend drama. He strode back out to the bridge where everyone was on their phones, typing furiously and giving Hux the side eye. Hux’s phone buzzed again.

Phasma: He won’t come out of the bathroom!!! Get up here! You’re the worst! Eduardo wouldn’t have done this to him!!!

***

Hux mistakenly went to Ren’s quarters to talk to him, only to find he was with Phasma. Hux arrived at her door and buzzed her.

“It’s me.”

“General Shithead,” Phasma said, “You have some explaining to do.”

Hux rolled his eyes and entered. Pink Kleenex tissues littered the floor. Ren appeared to have shed all of his clothes in mourning. His gloves and shoes and socks and layers had been discarded in a trail leading to Phasma’s first floor powder room. Phasma stared at him, arms crossed and eyes steely.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” she hissed.

“I didn’t do anything!”

“He’s sensitive!”

“You’re telling me he can endure blaster shots and years of battle wounds, yet he breaks down when I ask him to read and agree to a few terms and conditions?”

“Yes! Because he doesn’t care about blasters. He cares about you.”

Hux sighed.

“Go apologize to him,” Phasma demanded, blocking Hux’s only exit.

Hux crossed the parlor, cursing whatever temporary malfunction of his brain had made him become emotionally and personally involved with Kylo Ren, and knocked on the door, avoiding the classical painting of two ladies preparing for a ball, a handmaiden hitching them into corsets.

“Go away!” Ren yelled.

“Ren, I’m sorry,” Hux said, “For whatever I did.”

“You don’t care about me!” Ren yelled.

“I never said that.”

“You don’t want to be with me!”

“I never said that either.”

“Is it because I didn’t know you hadn’t come yet?!”

Hux blushed and turned to Phasma.

“He already told me about it,” she said, arms still crossed and still blocking the exit.

“Please just let me in, ok?”

After a few moments of silence, the door opened. Ren was on the floor, naked save for his underwear. Once the door was open, he scurried back to the corner and drew his knees up to his chest. Hux looked around the powder room. It was needlessly ornate. Plush rose-colored rugs with a matching toilet seat cover. Monogrammed towels. A wicker basket of potpourri. More period-specific artistic renderings. A rack of obscure European fashion magazines. And a holster attached to the wall for Phasma’s blaster. Hux sat down on the toilet.

“Ren,” Hux said gently, drawing in a deep breath. He inspected Ren’s face, his puffy red eyes, face streaked with tears, his pouty lips.

“It’s not that I don’t want to be with you,” Hux said. Ren glared at him.

“Then what is it?”

“I’m _afraid_ of being with you,” Hux mumbled, looking down at his hands.

“Afraid?”

Hux shrugged.

“What are you afraid of?”

“That I’ll like you.”

Behind Hux, a timed Febreze air freshener pod plugged into the wall over the toilet released a puff of _Mountain Spring Rose_ scented mist. Hux coughed. So did Ren.

“What’s wrong with liking me?” Ren asked from the floor, still coughing.

“I hadn’t planned on liking anyone again.”

“After Geoff?”

Hux nodded.

“Just because you hadn’t _planned_ on something happening doesn’t mean it’s bad if it _does_ end up happening,” Ren said.

Hux shrugged.

“What else are you afraid of?” Ren asked, looking up at him from where he’d now wrapped himself in a pink monogrammed bathrobe, the space around him littered with rose petal printed tissues. 

“Nothing,” Hux said.

“I know when you’re lying to me,” Ren said.

Hux rolled his eyes and checked his watch, unable to believe he was taking time away from work for this.

“I’m afraid that I like you more than you like me,” Hux said, “That perhaps you’re just rebounding from Eduardo. And once you’re over that then I’ll just be … extraneous. And in the meantime, I will have developed feelings.”

“I’ve liked you for a long time Hux,” Ren said, “You’re not a rebound.”

Hux looked down at his thumbs.

“I have a crush on you,” Ren said, “I always have.”

“I need to get back to work, Ren,” Hux said, “Have you thrown this tantrum just to get out of reading the terms and conditions?”

“No.”

“Ren.”

“Maybe a little.”

“How about this: I’ll pare it down.”

“To a paragraph?”

“No.”

Ren huffed. “I’m reading the complete works of Dostoevsky for my book club so I’m not sure how much time I’ll have to devote to the terms and conditions.”

Hux sighed.

“I’ll shorten it as much as I can, ok?”

Ren nodded.

“Ok,” Hux said, standing, “I need to get back to work. Are we done here?”

Ren threw off the robe and stood.

“Take a make up selfie with me,” Ren said, pulling his phone from his back pocket, “For our Instagram.” Hux rolled his eyes, but took the selfie anyways, Ren’s lips pressed to his cheek. Ren opened Instagram and began punching in a caption.

“So can I stay with you tonight?” Ren asked.

***

Hux tidied up his quarters when he got home, dusting invisible dust and straightening things that were already perfectly straight. He’d laid out towels and toiletries for Ren in the bathroom, cleared space for him in the closet and left the updated terms and conditions on his pillow with an Andes mint.

When Ren didn’t arrive at 7:00 on the nose as they’d discussed, Hux began to worry that maybe Ren, flustered by their argument, had chosen to renege on the trial. He checked Instagram to distract himself and saw that the fight had helped their account blossom to 1439 followers. The saga of the entire 15 minutes during which they’d had a minor disagreement followed by a make up was trending under the tag #evilspaceboyfriendbreakup. One of the most recent likes caught Hux’s eye. The username: _eduardo_hernandez_.

_No fucking way,_ Hux thought as he clicked the profile. His suspicions were quickly confirmed. It was Ren’s ex. The profile was overrun with pictures of grassy knolls and 10-second videos of bleating sheep, traipsing through open fields and trying to sniff the camera. Hux had no clue what most of the captions said - everything was in Spanish.

Hux scrolled past the sheep until he finally arrived at a photo with a human in it. A stupidly handsome, well-muscled man wearing a thin linen shirt, open and blowing in the wind, revealing a hard torso and hugging a single sheep around the neck on a grassy cliffside. The caption: _¡_ _Feliz cumpleaños, Carlita!_

Hux rolled his eyes. It was Carlita’s birthday, Carlita presumably being the sheep. Hux inspected the man. Dark wavy hair, olive skin, a charming smile, dark eyes framed by long lashes.

_“Fuck me,”_ Hux murmured. He scrolled on. Once he’d gone back far enough, he saw a picture of Ren. He clicked immediately, accidentally clicking twice, and thereby liking it.

_“Fuck, fuck, fuck,”_ Hux said, clicking again to unlike it. Ren and Eduardo were _in bed_ , both shirtless and lying there in crumpled white sheets, snuggled up together. Ren was smiling impossibly wide, his nose buried in Eduardo’s neck and Eduardo’s arm draped possessively around Ren. The caption: _¡_ _Feliz aniversario, nena! Todo mi amor. #seisaños._ It had 87 likes.

Hux scoffed. He and Ren had gotten more likes than that for that just for one kiss. And here, six years with Ren had only yielded Eduardo 87 likes? Phasma had commented. _Capt_Phas: SO CUTE._ Hux felt betrayed and went to go keep stalking Eduardo’s account.

Ren arrived without warning, twenty minutes late, opening the door with some unseen force and guiding himself in. Hux quickly locked the iPad and looked up.

“General,” Ren said, sensing his surprise, “I was supposed to come over tonight, wasn’t I?”

“Yes,” Hux said, standing, “You’re late.”

“Sorry,” Ren said, kicking off his boots and crossing the room, scooping up Hux and kissing him, “I was jerking off.”

“Jerking off?” Hux frowned, pushing himself away from Ren and wiping his lips of the kiss.

“Yeah,” Ren said, with a shrug, setting Hux down, “We haven’t fucked since we got back.”

“That was just two days ago.”

“Just?”

Hux sighed. “We aren’t engaging in any further sexual relations -- including kissing -- until you've read the terms and conditions?”

Ren rolled his eyes dramatically, letting his head fall back and groaning loudly. “Well I’m glad I jerked off then.”

***

Ren had ordered a Little Caesar's _HOT-N-READY_ pizza for dinner, though it was neither hot nor ready by the time it arrived from the nearest planet, and Hux had ordered off the _Finalizer_ menu as any sensible person would. Eating at tables was apparently foreign to Ren, as he’d stretched across Hux’s floor with his cold pizza and began reading through his binder of updated terms and conditions. Hux had shortened it to just over 200 pages. Ren, figuring Hux had compromised by half already, decided he should compromise by half too, and got to work reading it.

Hux cringed as Ren used greasy fingers to turn the pages, wiping them on his shirt here and there. Millicent paced back and forth around his head, stepping on the binder, purring and rubbing her arched back against his forehead.

Ren petted her and spoke to her as if she was a human. _How was your day? Did you see that Buzzfeed article about 20 easy and healthy breakfast ideas to go? What’s your favorite brand of mineral water? Have you ever been to the Outer Rim? Do you have an Instagram? You should tell dad to make you one. I follow a lot of cats on Instagram. Have you seen Donnie Darko? Do you prefer the Romantic Period or the Victorian Age for poetry?_

Millicent was surprisingly responsive, meowing back at Ren after each question he poised and eventually licking his hair before settling beneath his arms. Hux stared.

“She’s never done that with me.”

“What?”

“Sat between my arms like that.”

“Well do you sit on the floor, General?” Ren asked, “She can’t sit between your arms unless you’re on the floor with her.”

Hux looked on as Millicent licked Ren’s chin.

“He doesn’t sit on the floor with you, does he, Millie?” Ren whispered. She purred in his ear and licked the hair on his arm. Ren highlighted a section related to the giving and receiving of gifts and made a note to ask about it during the Q&A session Hux had put on their calendars. Once was Hux was done with dinner he wheeled his room service cart and dirty dishes out to the hall then settled on his sofa with a glass of Brandy and some thick volume of work bound in a dark cover.

“What are you reading, babe?” Ren asked, looking curiously at the book.

“You’ve obviously not reached the section on use of pet names,” Hux said.

“What are you reading, General?”

“Samuel Johnson’s _A Dictionary of the English Language_. Published in 1755.”

“Why are you reading a dictionary from 1755? They’ve made newer ones since then.”

“I’m studying the change in word usage over time.”

Ren huffed.

“Are you sure we can’t fuck each other until I’m done reading this?” Ren asked, “I’m reading as quickly as I can, but I’m only page _iixx_.”

“You’re still working through the table of contents?”

Ren nodded.

“Well I suppose you should read faster,” Hux said, highlighting an entry and then making a note in a separate notebook.

“I’ll let you finish on my face,” Ren said around the pizza in his mouth. Hux’s head snapped up.

“I can hear most of your thoughts, you know,” Ren said, “I know you want to finish on my face.”

“You’re being ridiculous.”

“Am I?” Ren said, sitting up now and chewing on pizza crust, “So you haven’t been thinking about coming on my face since the first time you first _saw my face?_ ”

Hux looked down at his outdated dictionary.

“We can do it however you want it, General,” Ren said, “And I won’t make a noise.”

***

“So desperate for my dick inside you just after just two days without it?” Hux said as he fucked Ren.

Ren, legs open wide and looking at Hux, bit his lip to keep from moaning.

“Did you think about fucking me when you jerked off this afternoon?”

Ren still bit his lip, but shook his head no.

“No?” Hux said, slamming into Ren, “You thought about me fucking you then?”

Ren nodded.

“Unbelievable,” Hux said, “One fuck and I’ve suddenly become what you fantasize about while you touch yourself?”

Ren nodded.

“You really needed fucked didn’t you?”

Ren nodded, biting his lip desperately now as Hux increased his pace.

“Well don’t get used to this,” Hux said, “This is only for when you’ve been good.”

Ren’s eyes widened.

“So when you tear up my consoles or ignore my combat operational plans or leave your empty pizza box in the middle of my floor, you don’t get fucked.”

Ren bit his lip.

“And you likely won’t get any sex at all.”

Ren let out a tiny moan now. Hux glared at him.

“I’ll amend the sexual relations chapter of your required reading to reflect these new terms,” Hux said breathlessly as he pulled out of Ren.

“Sit up,” Hux said. Ren sat up.

“Open,” Hux said. Ren opened his mouth.

Hux stroked himself a few times before coming in spurts all over Ren’s face, taking care to leave a ribbon pattern over his eyelashes, nose, moles and lips. Ren swallowed whatever had landed in his mouth and licked his lips.

“Beautiful,” Hux said, admiring his handiwork. After he’d seen enough, he turned to pull on his underwear. He sat with an exaggerated exhale on his easy chair and crossed his legs, looking expectantly at Ren -- Ren, with come all over his face, making his eyelashes stick together when he blinked.

“Finish,” Hux said, “Think about me while you do.”

Ren began jerking himself off, grunting and moaning.

“Did I say you could break your self-inflicted vow of silence?”

Ren bit his lip again and jerked himself off furiously, but silently.

“And don’t leave a mess on my bed,” Hux said, “I seem to remember you’re quite skilled at catching your own come.”

Ren made a tiny noise of dissatisfaction, still biting his lip and continued jerking himself off, working with greater speed and intensity as he got close.

“Are you thinking about me, Ren?”

Ren nodded desperately and bit harder on his lip.

“About me fucking you?”

Ren shook his head.

“About fucking me?”

Ren nodded.

“You’ve changed your mind so quickly?”

Ren nodded, pumping furiously until he came, again catching it in his fist.

“Bathroom is over there,” Hux said smirking, legs still crossed, motioning sideways with his head. Ren got up, hand clenched and went to the bathroom.

“And don’t smear your come on my faucet,” Hux called out as he heard the faucet turn on. Ren emerged a few minutes later, face and hands now clean.

He smiled and sat on Hux’s lap, kissing his hair a few times.

“What are you smiling about?” Hux asked.

“You were too late.”

“Too late?”

“Yeah, your warning,” Ren said, “It was too late.”

“Ren…” Hux said with a sigh.

“I got come on your faucet.”

***

Ren was holed up in a study room on the fourth floor of the _Finalizer’s_ library, poring over Hux’s terms and conditions. Hux had let him off easy the first night, with the sex and the letting him sleep over without having signed off on the terms, but he’d put his foot down the morning after. No more sex until Ren finished reading and completed the _Terms and Conditions Competency Exam_ with at least a 90%.

Ren sipped more Mountain Dew as he pondered a question on the Chapter Nine: _Rules for Sex & Intimacy _ end-of-chapter assessment. Hux had set up each end-of-the-chapter quiz on Survey Monkey, requiring an 85% score to pass. Even so, Ren knew he was getting off easy with the multiple choice questions for each chapter quiz. The final exam would be an essay exam. Blue Book. Meant to truly test his mastery of the content.

And even worse, Hux had stamped a timeline on the whole ordeal. Ren had only 48 hours to read the terms, take all quizzes and complete the final exam, to be administered in Hux’s quarters in just 4 hours.

Ren sighed and read the question again. _Sex in public is: A) Unacceptable B) Acceptable C) Acceptable under certain circumstances D) Preferred E) Horrific F) Lovely G) Exciting H) Invigorating I) Risky J) Abhorrent K) All of the above._

Ren dropped his head on the desk. For the last 48 hours, he’d done nothing but comb through Hux’s terms, answer absurd questions and eat Skittles. After the chapter nine assessment, he’d have only one chapter left: _Rules for Co-Habitation_ , and then he’d be ready to take the final exam.

***

Down on the bridge Hux was in his office, engaged in one of his favorite duties as general: Declining pay raise and merit increase requests. Hux reviewed each appeal with interest, reading over the carefully composed pleas and smiling as he stamped “REQUEST DENIED” in each box.

“General Hux,” Phasma said, entering the room.

“Captain,” Hux said.

“May I speak to you frankly?”

Hux nodded. She shut the door now and removed her helmet. Her eyes were burning with rage.

“Phasma?” Hux asked, “Is everything al-”

“Do you care about Kylo at all?”

“What?”

“Do you want to be with him? Or are you just torturing him?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Your fucking terms and conditions. Kylo is freaking out about the final exam. He hasn’t slept in two days!”

“He hasn’t?”

“No! If you don’t want to be with him, just let him go. But don’t fucking do this to him,” Phasma said sharply and put her helmet back on.

“I’m taking the rest of the day off,” she said, “I’ll be in my room.”

Hux stammered, “Ok. Are you still sick?”

“Sick of you,” she said and strode from the room.

***

Ren looked up when the door opened some time later. He’d dozed off, and he wasn’t sure for how long. It was Hux. And he looked _alarmed_.

“Ren?!” Hux said, rushing over.

“Hey,” Ren said, “What’s wrong? Is everything ok?”

“Are you alright?” Hux asked, pulling up a chair. Ren looked at Hux. His eyes were different. _Is he worried?_

“I’m ok,” Ren said, his voice groggy, wiping at his eyes, “I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I’m almost done reading. Did I miss the test?”

“What?” Hux said.

“The final exam is supposed to be tonight.”

“ _Fucking hell,_ ” Hux said softly, “Ren, have you honestly been up here for the last forty-something hours?”

“Yeah,” Ren said, confused, “You said I only had 48 hours to finish reading the Terms and Conditions and take the quizzes and pass the final exam with a score of 90% or higher.”

Hux buried his face in his hands briefly then looked up. “You’ve not eaten or slept or left this room in the last 48 hours?”

“I’ve eaten Skittles and drank Mountain Dew,” Ren said, indicating the empty four pound bag of skittles next to him, surrounded by crushed up cans of Mountain Dew.

“Ok, Ren,” Hux said gently, “I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d actually try to do this.”

Ren looked at him. “You didn’t?”

“No,” Hux said, standing up now. He kissed the top of Ren’s hair a few times and hugged Ren close to his torso, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were up here. I’ve been wrapped up in work and I’m so sorry.”

Hux kissed his hair once more and shut the binder.

“What are you doing?” Ren asked, “I was reading that! The test is in three hours.”

“No it isn’t, darling,” Hux said, “You’ve passed, ok? I didn’t mean to put you through this. I’m sorry.”

Hux kissed Ren’s hair again. “Come on, Ren. We’re going to get you a shower and some food, ok? Whatever you want.”

“But what about the exam?”

“There isn’t one,” Hux said, now sitting back down to be on eye level with Ren and taking his hands, “It was cruel of me to ask you do this. And I’m sorry.”

Hux kissed Ren’s hands. Ren had never heard Hux utter the phrase, _I’m sorry._ Especially not more than once.

“But what about our trial relationship?” Ren asked, “I have to take the exam, don’t I?”

“No, Ren, you don’t need to take the exam. I want to be with you,” Hux said, “But let’s just take it slow, ok?”

Ren nodded quickly. Hux smiled and kissed Ren on the lips this time.

“No terms and conditions?” Ren asked.

“I didn’t say that,” Hux said, “Here, let’s get you food and a nap and I’ll put together a page of terms and conditions.”

“One page? You tell me this after I’ve read almost 200 pages?”

“I’m sorry, love.”

“You specified in _Chapter four, The Language of a Relationship,_ section 4.6: Pet Names,” Ren quoted, “That the use of pet names or any such language or terms of endearment is strictly prohibited both in public and private, during the six-week trial relationship and in whatever following arrangement may come of it.”

“I’ve changed my mind. I’ll amend that section.”

Ren sighed as he stood up too now, his legs creaking. “I wish you would’ve had this realization 48 hours ago,” Ren said sorrowfully, “I missed my Dostoevsky Book Club. And it was my turn to lead the discussion.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll send a note of apology to your next meeting,” Hux took Ren’s hand, intertwining their fingers and kissing Ren’s knuckles, “Let’s get you a shower and some food. I’ll order you whatever you want.”

***

Ren had wanted Buffalo Wild Wings. He’d written down his order for Hux before he got into the shower: Twelve mango habanero boneless buffalo wings, an order of the mini corn dogs, an order of the popcorn shrimp, the buffalo mac and cheese, cheesecake bites for dessert and a large Coke. Hux had told him they could get Coke on the Finalizer, but Ren insisted that the Coke from BW3’s was fizzier.

“I don’t care how far away your planet is,” Hux said sternly into his phone, “The food had better be hot when it arrives at my door.”

There was a silence before Hux spoke again, “Instead of arguing with me, your time would be best spent inventing and placing a patent on whatever technique you devise to make it so.”

Hux hung up angrily and went to go fluff the pillows for Ren. Millicent had taken up post on Ren’s side of the bed.

“Millie, you can’t sit there, princess,” Hux said, picking her up, “Ren needs to take a nap before his food gets here.”

Ren was in Hux’s bathroom, again sloshing around. Hux paged the cleaning staff to have them on call for when Ren was finished in there.

Ren emerged from the bathroom fifteen minutes later, naked save for a towel wrapped around his head. Hux watched as Ren put on his underwear, honestly feeling a bit lucky that this beautiful human being was preparing to sleep in his bed. Ren unwrapped his hair, drying it quickly and dove into the bed, snuggling beneath the blankets Hux had turned down for him. On the bed next to the table was water, aspirin and a note written on Hux’s personalized stationery.

“Are you going to take a nap with me, General?” Ren asked as he tore into the envelope with the grace of a sasquatch.

“I want to be awake to receive your food,” Hux said, coming over to the bed now with Millicent, “But I’ll cuddle with you for a bit.”

Ren opened the note and read it.

_Ren,_

_You’ll have to forgive me, but I’m not particularly skilled at expressing sentiments of fondness, and especially not in spoken form. I’ve added this to my list of personal development tasks to complete in this calendar year, but for now, I’ve opted to compose you a letter._

_Contrary to what the Terms and Conditions may have led you to believe, I’m delighted to enter into this six-week trial relationship with you. I apologize for forcing you to endure 48 sleepless hours of reading, and I’m sorry you’ve missed your book club on my account. I didn’t know you’d actually attempt it when I assigned the task. I simply needed to buy time to think. I’m quite terrified of relationships, you see. While I’m not afraid of destroying ancient civilizations or facing off with Snoke, I’m quite terrified of caring for another human. Will you be patient with me during our trial phase? I’m trying my best, but caring for someone is a feeling that is entirely foreign to me._

_Cordially yours,_

_General Hux_

Ren finished the note and closed it.

“Hux?”

“Yes, Ren?”

Hux sat up now, sitting back on his calves and facing Hux.

“Of course I can be patient with you,” Ren said, “I’ll do whatever you need.”

“I don’t really think I deserve you, Ren,” Hux said softly.

“What do you mean?”

“The terms and conditions. I can’t believe you would do that for me. I don’t deserve you.”

“Well I like you,” Ren shrugged, “I’d do anything to be with you.”

Hux looked down as Ren took Hux’s fingers in his.

“Well I like you too, Ren,” Hux said, “Scary as it is.”

They leaned in and kissed.

“Get some rest now, ok?” Hux said, “I’ll wake you when your food is here.”

“Ok,” Ren said, sliding down beneath the blankets again, “Will you and Millicent stay with me until I fall asleep?”

Hux smiled, “Of course.”

Millicent, having heard her name, stalked over and began grooming Ren’s hair for him.

“Thanks, Millie,” Ren said as she purred and finished licking his hair into place before settling down under his chin, where Ren laid with his head in Hux’s lap.

Hux sighed, looking down at his Ren and his Millicent, trapped beneath them both and not the least bit upset about it.

_In the next installment: Ren and Hux begin their trial relationship, with Ren picking the first date. He aptly chooses a dance club where he’s managed to get on the VIP list for an upcoming Diplo set, preceded by an Intro to Twerking lecture and accompanying practice lab. Meanwhile, Hux receives the bill from the First Order’s Corellian destruction rampage and Phasma begins receiving exotic flowers and vintage blasters from a secret admirer._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I relied on Google Translate for the few lines in Spanish. Please call me out if it's totally fucked up. 
> 
> Also, I apologize for any errors or typos! Please have mercy on me. I'm not feeling well lately and so I've diagnosed myself with a dramatic/totally plausible/rare condition: meningitis.


	2. Express Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren and Hux begin their trial relationship, with Ren picking the first date. He aptly chooses a dance club where he’s managed to get on the VIP list for an upcoming Major Lazer set, preceded by an Intro to Twerking lecture and accompanying practice lab. Meanwhile, Hux receives the bill from the First Order’s Corellian destruction rampage and Phasma begins receiving exotic flowers and vintage blasters from a secret admirer.

Ren smacked irreverently on Sour Patch Kids as he filled out the five-page trial relationship application Hux had drawn up, chewing with his mouth open, snorting now and again when the sour became too much, then humming with gratitude in the sweetness that followed.

Hux looked on, pen poised mid air.

Even though Hux no longer required that Ren pass a terms and conditions final examination, he still wanted to have Ren’s information on file for his personal archives. He’d mailed Ren the relationship application, along with a few basic personnel documents to fill out, again clogging up the _Finalizer’s_ postage system when a simple hand delivery would do. Hux was filling out the same papers for Ren, even though Ren insisted he neither wanted nor needed them.

“Why do you need my social security number, babe?” Ren asked around a thick melange of brightly colored candy.

“In the event of an emergency,” Hux said.

 _“An emergency?_ I have emergencies all the time. Knowing my social security number probably won’t determine if I live or die.”

“Please just fill out the forms,” Hux said, “And could you chew a little quieter?”

Ren huffed, but finished scribbling in the information on the lines, signing _Kylo Ren,_ at the bottom in surprisingly elegant and pristine cursive, then scooting across the floor to sit at Hux’s feet.

“So, can I choose our first date?”

***

Hux was growing increasingly weary of Ren’s absurd questions the following day. Ren’s texts were blowing up his phone all morning as he tried to manage a civilian revolt on Hosnian Prime. Ren said the questions were related to the date he was planning, but Hux couldn’t imagine a scenario in which Ren needed to know the answers to these seemingly unrelated questions in order to plan one date.

Ren: What’s your shoe size?

Ren: Are you right or left-handed? [i should know this already!!]

Ren: Do you have asthma or any heart conditions? Family history of heart disease?

Ren: Have you recently experienced dizziness or shortness of breath while engaging in a physical activity? [like sex?? ^-^]

Ren: Could you rate your upper body strength on a scale of 1 to 10? [1 = WEAK]

Ren: How tall are you?

Ren: Do you prefer light meat or dark?

Ren: Pepsi or Coke?

Ren: Do you have any peanut or shellfish allergies?

Ren: Do you have a credit card with a $2000 or higher spending limit? If so, could I get the number, security code and billing address.

Ren: nevermind, my mom let me use hers!

Ren: Have you ever suffered an epileptic episode?

Hux had finally grown frustrated and called Ren later in the afternoon when he had a few moments to spare.

“Do I even want to ask what you have planned?” Hux asked with a sigh and rubbed his temples. He’d retired to his office to talk to Ren in private. In the corner, Millicent was eating an afternoon snack -- and smacking loudly. _Probably picked it up from Ren,_ Hux thought to himself.

“Hi, babe,” Ren said.

“Do I even want to ask what you have planned?” Hux repeated.

“How’s your day been?” Ren asked, “Mine’s been exhausting. I’m ready for a nap!”

“I take it you don’t want me to know what you have planned?”

“It’s supposed to be a surprise!”

“Why do you need to know if I have epilepsy or a heart condition?”

“You’ll see.”

Hux sighed. “I really don’t care for surprises, rigorous exercise or otherwise physically demanding activities, Ren.”

“Ok,” Ren said, “I’ll pick you up tomorrow at noon!”

“Our date starts at noon? That’s the middle of the day. I have work to do.”

“So do it later.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Why not? It will still be there later won’t it?”

Hux sighed. “You can’t offer any indication at all as to what you have planned? Should I have my physician on standby? Should I make sure I’m up to date on my rabies and tetanus vaccines?”

“Nope!” Ren said, “Hey, what are you doing tonight? Can I come over later when I get back to the _Finalizer_?”

***

Ren had been sent away on a classified mission for the day. Hux had declassified it, wondering what Ren was so exhausted from, only to see that he’d simply been sent to collect Snoke’s dry cleaning and blood pressure medication and deliver it to his not-so-secret cave on the other side of the galaxy. Hux rolled his eyes thoroughly as he then poked through Ren’s HR files to see what kind of ridiculous salary he was collecting for completing these very important “classified” tasks.

Ren entered Hux’s quarters suddenly, letting himself in, in a swarm of black layers and with a cluster of paperwork tucked poorly into manila envelopes. Hux looked up and put his iPad away. He hadn’t seen Ren all day and felt a twinge of embarrassment when he realized he’d _missed Ren._ He was dressed in his full getup, still without his helmet. The Corellia PD hadn’t yet released it. He had his hair pulled up and his cheeks were slightly rosy. Hux willed himself not to smile as Ren closed the door with his foot and balanced the paperwork in his arms.

“What’s all this?” Hux said, as he approached Ren and kissed his cheek.

“Hi, babe. It’s the paperwork for our first date,” Ren said, putting down the files on the nearest table and bending to squeeze Hux around his hips before lifting him from the floor, “No peeking.”

“I really can’t take a whole day off of work for a date, Ren,” Hux said, peering down at Ren from where he’d been hoisted up, “I figured we’d just have dinner or something.”

“Dinner?” Ren said, carrying Hux to the bedroom, “How basic.”

“Dinner is a perfectly acceptable first date,” Hux said.

“Yeah, maybe for people who’ve just met,” Ren said, “You’ve already come on my face, General. I think we’re past dinner.”

Hux scoffed as Ren laid him out on the bed, then crawled on top of him and looked down.

“Let’s have sex and then order that new nacho bucket.”

***

Ren, unable to wait until sex was finished -- or even really started -- had his phone tucked between his ear and shoulder, placing an order for a nacho bucket as Hux sat on his lap and kissed his neck. Ten minutes into making out, he’d become worried that the _Finalizer_ would run out of nacho buckets, and had insisted on ordering one up immediately.

“Yes, we’ll want this for delivery,” Ren said into the phone, then looked to Hux and whispered, “Blow me?”

Hux rolled his eyes and shook his head in disbelief, but got off of Ren and sunk to his knees anyways.

“What’s the difference between the Supreme Nacho Bucket and the Deluxe Nacho Bucket?” Ren said into the phone as Hux took him into his mouth.

“Well, I’m allergic to tomatillos. What if I just add pork to the Supreme Nacho Bucket, but leave off the jalapenos and salsa verde? Can I get that at the same price as the Deluxe?” Ren asked, then looked down at Hux, “Do you like jalapenos?”

Hux removed Ren from his mouth. “I don’t like nachos or Mexican fare at all, Ren.”

“Ok, we’ll do the Supreme Nacho Bucket, add pork, hold the salsa verde and jalapenos,” Ren said as Hux took him into his mouth again.

Ren was silent for a few moments.

“Well, how big is the large?”

Ren listened with intent.

“The large typically feeds six to eight,” Ren reported back to Hux, “Is that enough for us?”

Hux removed Ren from his mouth again, “Yes. I should think that will be enough, considering I don’t like nachos.”

“Ok, we’ll do the large,” Ren said into the phone.

Hux struggled in taking Ren to the back of his throat, gagging a bit, then pulling back. Ren shushed him and whispered, _“I’m on the phone!”_

Ren gently tangled his fingers in Hux’s hair and guided Hux’s face back down into his crotch to keep him quiet.

“Is there a charge for extra nacho cheese sauce?”

Hux again struggled around Ren’s cock in his mouth and came up, gasping desperately for air.

“Can you add guacamole, too?”

Hux took Ren back into his mouth.

“Teeth,” Ren softly chided, “Oh, no, sorry. That wasn’t for you.”

Hux hollowed out his cheeks and tried again to take Ren to the back of his throat.

“Can we also get a large pitcher of the Strawberry Mango Pineapple Lime-A-Rita. On the rocks, please?”

Hux removed Ren again. “Order me a gin, neat, and a tofu and vegetable stir fry platter with brown rice.”

Ren looked at him, his expression a cross between disbelieving and horrified.

“You don’t want the nacho bucket?”

Hux glared at him. “I’ve already told you twice. I don’t like nachos.”

“Can you also add on a vegetable stir fry platter with brown rice. And a gin, neat,” Ren said, shaking his head with disappointment.

Hux kissed the head of Ren’s cock and sucked him off again.

“Yes, you can bill it to General Hux’s room. Thanks!”

Ren hung up and Hux looked up at him.

“You’re good at a lot of things,” Ren said, “But giving head isn’t one of them.”

Hux frowned. “It’s not my fault. Your dick is too large and cumbersome for anyone to properly give you head.”“Tell that to Eduar--”

 _“Don’t,”_ Hux said sternly.

“Sorry, General,” Ren said, “You’ll get used to swallowing my cock.”

Ren stood, lifting Hux with him. Hux held on tight. “For now though, I’ll just fuck you with it.”

***

Ren had finished fucking Hux with enough time remaining to shower, shampoo and condition, before the nacho bucket arrived. He was just stepping out of the shower when Hux answered the door. Phasma wheeled in their room service cart, an odd blaster slung across her chest and a vase of flowers on the cart. Hux stared at her, perplexed.

“You’re kitchen staff now?” he asked.

“No. Kylo invited me over to help eat the nacho bucket since he said you refused to. So I picked it up on my way over.”

“Why the flowers?”

“My secret admirer gave them to me.”

“Secret admirer?” Hux turned up his nose, “Are we in primary school? And what’s with the blaster? That’s not standard issue.”

“My secret admirer gave this to me too.”

“Unbelievable,” Hux murmured. He looked at the cart now, his eyes bulging at both the attached invoice and the size of Ren’s bucket.

“Ren, your nacho bucket was almost $45. Not to mention the $30 margarita,” Hux said over his shoulder as Ren entered the room, still wet from the shower and dressed only in his underwear.

“I saved you $4.99 on delivery though,” Phasma pointed out.

“It’s a _lime-a-rita,”_ Ren said, his eyes gleaming as he looked over the bucket, “I’ll pay you back.”

It was a literal bucket, wide and deep enough to actually haul something in. Attached to the bucket handle was a heavy-duty metal scoop for easy serving.

“Hi, Phas,” Ren said as he kissed her cheek.

“Hi, darling. I ate a few off the top,” Phasma admitted.

“That’s ok,” Ren said as he lifted the bucket with both hands and carried it over to the living room. Phasma followed with the margaritas. Millicent joined them, sitting in Ren’s lap and licking her paws. Hux took his plate and went to the table.

“What’s with flowers? And the blaster?” Ren asked as he petted Millicent with the hand he wasn’t using to eat.

“From my secret admirer,” she said, plucking another nacho from the top.

_“Secret admirer?”_

Phasma nodded proudly.

“Was there a note?” Ren asked.

“Yeah, but it’s nonsense.” Phasma pulled the crumpled note from her pocket and gave it to Ren.

Ren munched on nachos with his mouth open as he read it:

_My love is as a fever, longing still_

_For that which longer nurseth the disease,_

_Feeding on that which doth preserve the ill,_

_Th’ uncertain sickly appetite to please._

“It’s not nonsense. Is Mitaka your ex?”

 _“What?”_ Both Phasma and Hux said.

“What are you talking about?” Phasma said, serving up the margaritas, “Of course not. Why are you asking about Mitaka?”

“This is Mitaka’s handwriting,” Ren said simply, still munching, “And this is Shakespeare’s Sonnet 147 about unrequited love, or also used widely in connection to break-ups when one person is still in love with the other.”

“How do you know Mitaka’s handwriting?” Hux asked from the table.

“He writes my daily summaries,” Ren said, “And since my iPads are always lost or broken, he just gives it to me in writing, on a legal pad. This is his paper, too.”

Phasma rolled her eyes. “Lieutenant Mitaka _does not_ have a crush on me,” she said, “You’re being ridiculous.”

Ren shrugged. “Just stating the facts, Phas.”

“What kind of blaster did he give you?” Hux asked, “He collects them, you know.”

“It’s a vintage model from the Galactic Empire era. One of my favorites. I don’t know how he knew. Or where he got it.”

“eBay,” Ren said, chewing with his mouth open, “It’s not an original.”

“How do you know?” Phasma asked defensively.

“The serial number starts with 2-4A meaning it’s a reproduction. The authentic Galactic Empire models started with 6-4A”.”

“How would you know?” Phasma asked.

“I have five of them.”

“What?” Phasma and Hux both said again.

“Reproductions or originals?” Phasma asked.

“Originals,” Ren said, “The only five blasters Darth Vader ever touched!”

“Bullshit,” Hux said.

“I’ll show you sometime,” Ren said, sipping his margarita, “They’re kept in five different safe deposit boxes on five different planets though.”

Phasma took off the blaster and crossed her arms.

“You’re not going to eat with us, Hux?” Ren asked.

“I like to eat at the table,” Hux said sharply, “Like a functional adult human being.”

Ren shrugged and bit into another nacho.

Phasma was frowning. “You ruined my secret admirer.”

“Me?”

Phasma nodded. “I was imagining it was some tall foreigner from the Outer Rim with an exotic name and a rich family. Not Mitaka. Giving me fake blasters and depressing Shakespeare sonnets.”

“Sorry, Phas,” Ren said, “Mitaka is nice, though. You should give him a chance. I habitually threaten to kill him, throw him against walls, and choke him and he still signs the daily reports with _cordially yours.”_

Phasma sighed, pouring cheese sauce over the nachos.

“Our first date is tomorrow,” Ren told Phasma, sensing her foul mood and wanting to change the subject.

“How nice. You’re having your first real date _after_ he’s come on your face?”

Hux rolled his eyes. “Do you tell her everything?”

“Yes,” Ren said.

“Where are you guys going?” Phasma asked.

“It’s a surprise,” Ren said, “But I’ll tell you.” He leaned forward and whispered in Phasma’s ear. For nearly two minutes. She listened and cackled with laughter at certain points, startling Hux and Millicent.

 _“Fuck._ You’re going to have a great time, Hux.”

***

Not surprisingly, Ren was late picking up Hux for their date the next day. Promising to arrive at noon, he hadn’t actually arrived until a quarter ‘til one. He’d posted to Instagram that morning a large, pixelated question mark clip art with the caption: _Our first date is today! It’s a surprise! General Ginger is going to love it! #evilspaceboyfriends #generalhux #generalginger #kyloren #millicent #phasmahasanotsosecretadmirer #trialboyfriends_

Ren’s shuttle was ready for takeoff when they finally arrived, Hux touting a briefcase so he could get some work done on the way there. But, ten minutes into the flight, Ren had gotten bored and pulled Hux over to the couch to finish watching _Degrassi_ and make out like desperate, horny teenagers.

“Did your ex not like getting head?” Ren asked as Hux settled into his lap, straddling him, the Degrassi theme song playing in the background.

“What business of it is yours?” Hux asked as Ren hugged Hux’s waist and pressed a few kisses to his neck.

Ren shrugged. “Just seemed like -”

“Like I don’t know what to do with a cock in my mouth?”

“I didn’t say that,” Ren said as he kissed Hux’s lips a few times. Hux sighed and buried his fingers in Ren’s hair.

“And you’re still not going to tell me where we’re going for our date?” Hux asked.

“Nope,” Ren said, kissing Hux again, deeper this time, both parting their lips now. They shut their eyes and kissed, taking it slow, tasting each other’s mouths and pressing their bodies together.

Hux tugged lightly on Ren’s hair as they kissed and Ren unfastened Hux’s jacket, sliding his fingers beneath Hux’s layers to feel his skin against his fingertips.

Hux hummed into the kiss as Ren rubbed circles on his back and pulled Hux closer to him. As Hux kissed Ren, he realized he really hadn’t ever made out with anyone. Not before the weaponry summit after party, at least. He’d always assumed it was something teenagers did, but his teenage years had been spent at the Academy, where all he did was study and sleep. He and his exes had been intimate, but they hadn’t simply spent the better part of an hour just _kissing_ each other.

“That’s a shame, General,” Ren said, breaking their kiss just a bit, “That you’ve not taken time just to kiss anyone before me.”

“Whatever,” Hux said.

“I like kissing more than sex,” Ren said, his lips brushing Hux’s.

_“What?”_

Ren nodded and kissed Hux again.

“You don’t.”

“I do.”

“Why?”

Ren shrugged. “It’s more intimate. More personal.”

“More intimate than sex?”

“Yeah, of course,” Ren said, “It’s easy to fuck someone for a few minutes. But kissing. For hours. That’s more special.”

Hux tried to pretend that he didn’t agree. “And what, I suppose you like kissing me?”

“I love kissing you, General.”

***

They kissed through two episodes of _Degrassi_ before Hux reluctantly broke their kiss.

“Are you hard enough down there?” he asked, grinding his hips down into Ren’s lap.

“Are you asking me to fuck you?”

“I didn’t say that,” Hux said.

“Well then ask me,” Ren said.

“No.”

“Say it.”

“Stop it.”

“Tell me how much you want me.”

“You’re psychotic.”

“I know what you’re thinking.”

“Again, you’re psychotic.”

“I know you want me to fuck you into the floor.”

“I don’t.”

“You do.”

“I don’t.”

***

Ren fucked Hux into the floor while Hux ran through all the possible places Ren could possibly be taking him based on the direction they were traveling and the questions Ren had asked. When they’d left the _Finalizer_ , they were heading in the direction of the Inner Rim.

Ren looked down and met his eyes, still thrusting into him. “We’re going to a dance party,” he said.

_“A dance party?”_

“That’s what I said.”

“In the middle of the day?” Hux asked as he moaned beneath Ren.

“The dance party is later.”

“Well where are we going now?”

“Do you know how to dance?” Ren grunted again.

“No,” Hux said.

“I didn’t think so,” Ren said, “So, we’re going to dance lessons first.”

***

The shuttle parked in the lot of a local YMCA on Coruscant.

“Our dance lessons are at the Y?” Hux said, glancing out of the shuttle window as Ren put on his too-short running shorts and a vintage Darth Vader t-shirt. The crew shut off the engines and lowered the ramp.

“Yep,” Ren said, clutching the manila folder of paperwork in his hands now.

Hux was still dressed in his general’s uniform as they de-boarded the plane and crossed the parking lot, which was overrun with strollers, Honda Odysseys and Chrysler Town & Country minivans.

“You’re going to want new clothes before the dance party,” Ren said as he opened the door and held it for Hux.

“I suppose,” Hux said, stopping in his tracks to let a cluster of children in bright blue t-shirts rush by with soccer balls.

When they got into the building, Ren checked them in at the desk, dropped off the paperwork that had been in the manila folder and chatted with the employees while Hux looked around. The place was awful. Bright, punchy decor and uplifting messages printed on the walls. Upbeat music. Cheery carpet. A clown handing out balloon animals. Children of all ages and families engaging in healthy and enriching sports-centric activities. Hux longed for the quiet, dark, cold bleakness of the _Finalizer_ bridge, wondering if the revolting civilians had been neutralized yet. He pulled out his phone to check in as Ren came back with two packets for them.

“No working allowed!” Ren said and took the phone away, “Our class is upstairs. And we’re late.”

“Well that’s your fault,” Hux said and followed Ren up the stairs, “Have you ever arrived on time anywhere? Ever?”

As they climbed the stairs, Hux immediately heard thumping bass. To his horror, Ren led them straight to the source of the noise.

“Welcome to _Intro to Twerking,”_ Ren said with a smile, pushing the door open and pulling Hux inside.

***

Just ten minutes into the class, Hux had already wished for his death a thousand times over. The endless bass had given him a headache and the instructor’s shrill voice was equally insufferable.

Hux ascertained that the girl who was teaching them this unbecoming dance couldn’t be more than 21 years old. She still wore braces. Her blonde hair was pulled up into an enthusiastic side ponytail and she was dressed in head-to-toe neon zebra print Spandex. Twerking, as it seemed to Hux, was just shaking one’s ass arrhythmically to dreadful music. It seemed simple enough. Why this class was three hours long, Hux couldn’t understand.

Ren was enjoying it thoroughly, though it seemed he was well beyond intro level twerking. Hux watched as Ren and the teacher demonstrated the Inverted Twerk, legs up against the wall and Ren’s shoulder and back muscles flexing to support his bodyweight. Hux guessed this is why Ren had inquired about his upper body strength. The class looked on, snapping pictures on their phones. Meanwhile, Hux, having grown weary of the dance floor and its students, had sulked to the corner and sat down on a stack of aerobic exercise steps.

Ren noticed he’d vacated the dance floor and jogged over after he finished his Inverted Twerking demo, a light sheen of sweat on his forehead, his t-shirt long-since discarded.

“Babe? Are you ok?”

“This is horrible,” Hux said, “You took me away from dealing with a major civilian upstaging to attend a 3-hour long twerking class?”

“You haven’t even tried the dance yet, babe,” Ren said.

“Stop calling me that.”

“Come dance with me,” Ren said.

“I don’t want to.”

“It’s fun.”

“It’s asinine.”

“You’re going to wish you’d practiced when we’re at the club tonight.”

“I’m not going to your ridiculous club.”

“Hux,” Ren said softly, lowering to be on eye level with him, his bottom lip pouting slightly, “Please?”

***

Hux still hadn’t gotten used to just being able to _see_ Ren’s stupid, beautiful face. After the couple of years he’d spent in Ren’s masked presence, imagining the 50-year-old balding amphibian who lurked behind the intimidating bucket, Ren’s young, innocent face, full lips and pleading eyes still made his heart melt. Hux couldn’t possibly tell him no. Regrettably, he found himself on the YMCA dance floor again, this time grinding on Ren per the instructor’s guidance, while the music thumped away. Hux hated to admit that it felt nice, his ass pressed into Ren’s crotch.

“It _does_ feel nice, General,” Ren said softly in Hux’s ear, “You like it.”

“I don’t.”

“You’re good at this, General.”

“I’m not.”

“Have you done this before?”

“Of course not.”

“You’re going to love the party tonight.”

“I doubt it.”

“Want to try the inverted twerk?”

***

By the time the class had ended, Hux had worked up both a sweat and an appetite. At the end of the lessons, there had been a twerk-off of sorts, followed by a modest awards ceremony. Ren had won the twerk-off, with the grand prize being a YMCA branded frisbee, t-shirt and water bottle, along with a $50 Applebee’s gift card. Hux had been won the “most-improved” award and was given a pink YMCA sun visor for his efforts.

They showered in the locker room and then boarded the shuttle to be flown across the planet to downtown Coruscant. The shuttle parked in a rental hangar for the remainder of the day, and Ren wore Hux’s visor and held his hand as they walked a few blocks to Applebee’s.

“Using a gift card on a first date is looked down upon, you know,” Hux said once they’d arrived and been seated, both sets of eyes now scanning the menu. Ren had insisted on sitting next to Hux so they could still hold hands.

“Well I don’t want the gift card to go to waste. I don’t know when I’ll be at an Applebee’s next,” Ren said, “Plus, it’s not like this was a cheap date. We’re VIPs for the show tonight.”

“And what does that entail?” Hux asked skeptically.

“A private top-floor lounge. Bottle service. Bottomless hors d'oeuvres. A limousine to get us there. And party hats!”

Hux, admittedly, was impressed. The waitress returned to take their orders. Ren ordered the Quesadilla Burger with a Bahama Mama to drink and the Triple Chocolate Meltdown for dessert. Hux had trouble finding anything he wanted to eat, but eventually decided on the Savory Cedar Salmon with brown rice and steamed veggies. They didn’t have any straight, unadulterated top shelf liquor, so he’d just settled for ice water with lemon.

Ren frowned at his choice, and Hux frowned at Ren’s.

“Where do you buy your clothes?” Ren asked, looking at Hux’s uniform.

“What do you mean where do I _buy_ my clothes?”

“It’s a pretty straightforward question.”

“I don’t _buy_ my clothes anywhere. I have several General’s uniforms and a few regulation pants and shirts for leisure.”

“That’s it?”

“What more do I need?”

Ren shrugged. “Other clothes. Like, not work clothes.”

“I have pants and shirts for leisure,” Hux repeated, “I just said that.”

Ren rolled his eyes as the waitress dropped off his Bahama Mama. “We’re going to have to go shopping after this.”

***

Ren, having polished off three Bahama Mamas at lunch, was slightly tipsy as he dragged Hux around H&M, snatching up slender pants and v-neck shirts and dumping them in a shopping bag. He grabbed a few pairs of shoes too, already knowing Hux’s size from his earlier questioning, and dumped those in the bag along with everything else.

He forced Hux into a fitting room and began pulling off his clothes. The fitting room attendant had tried feebly to tell them they were only allowed seven items at a time and that sharing fitting rooms was strictly prohibited, but Ren had waved his hand and said, _“We’re taking all of this shit into the fitting room together and you can’t stop us!”_

“Careful,” Hux scolded as Ren yanked off his uniform, “This is custom-made.”

“You look better naked anyways,” Ren said, undressing Hux down to his underwear and then kissing him deeply before pulling away.

“Try these first,” Ren said, shoving a dark wash pair of slim-fitting jeans at him. Hux rolled his eyes, but shimmied into the jeans anyways. Ren, who had taken a seat on the little red cube, looked on, pleased.

“You’re so _tiny_ ,” Ren said.

Hux sighed. “These pants are miniscule.”

“You’re miniscule.”

“They’re too tight.”

“They’re slim-fitting.”

“Well I don’t like them.”

“Well I do,” Ren said, “Try the shirt.” He tossed a grey v-neck at Hux. Hux put it on and winced at his reflection, then turned to look at Ren.

“Perfect.”

“I look like a meddling and pretentious liberal arts student at the university.”

“You’ll fit right in.”

***

Ren had purchased the pants, and shirt along with a pair of sneakers for Hux and a few hair ties for himself.

“We have a distillery tour first,” Ren said nonchalantly, hailing them a cab, “Then the limo will pick us up there and then drop us at the club.”

Hux’s eyes lit up. _“A distillery tour?”_

Ren smiled. “I figured you’d like that. They distill whiskey and vodka, but they’re known for their gin.”

Hux’s heart soared as a cab pulled up. He was in first, then Ren got in behind him and Hux kissed him.

“They have the best gin in the Inner Rim,” Ren said, pulling a distillery pamphlet from his pocket and giving it to Hux. His eyes shone as he read it over, licking his lips slightly.

“What do you think, General?” Ren asked.

“You’re not so bad after all, I suppose,” Hux said.

***

Hux wore his tour lanyard proudly, snapping pictures of the equipment and barrels with his phone and scribbling notes in his distillery pamphlet. His eyes lit up when the guide talked about the antique fermentation tanks. Ren, less interested in the distilling process, was mostly looking forward to the free samples at the end, but liked seeing Hux so happy about something besides taking innocent lives and destroying planets. The guided tour was only supposed to be an hour, but Hux’s questions had pushed the tour to nearly 90 minutes, the other guests beginning to murmur with complaint, longing for the tasting room and the free booze.

When they finally made their way to the tasting room, Hux chatted with the master distiller while everyone else did shots and glared at him.

By the time they were ready to go, Hux had purchased a bottle of the whiskey and vodka, four bottles of gin, a t-shirt, several stickers, a shot glass and a tote bag. He’d also signed up for the email newsletters and said a sincere goodbye to the staff, whom he’d gotten to know on a first-name basis.  

The limo driver collected them and they slid into the back. Hux dug through his bag of souvenirs so he could look at them all again.

“Are you having a nice time, General?” Ren asked, smirking.

Hux rolled his eyes, “I am,” he said. He gave Ren a kiss and then held his hand. “Thank you, Ren.”

“You’re welcome, General.”

***

The club they arrived at was pretty swanky. Hux looked around, Ren gripping his hand the whole time. A bar on the top floor of a 70-story building with floor-to-ceiling windows. They held one of just three sets of VIP tickets, and the club had let the VIPs in early, laying out a spread of hors d'oeuvres and bringing in chilled Champagne to each lounge to get the party started.

Their lounge was the biggest, lofted above the dance floor, and their Champagne had been delivered by a parade of girls in short skirts and tiaras, waving multicolored sparklers in an unnecessary display of VIP hospitality. Ren had taken a picture with them, and they’d let him hold two sparklers and wear a tiara.

Ren sat back down posting the picture to Instagram immediately, pouring Champagne for both of them and settling in close to Hux. He took another picture for their Instagram, but held on posting that one, wary of _oversharing._

“What do we do now?” Hux asked as he sniffed at the Champagne.

“What do you mean?”

“The show doesn’t start for hours.”

“Yeah,” Ren said with a shrug, “We hang out in our lounge and drink.”

 _“Hang out?”_ Hux said the word with disgust.

“Yeah. Drink booze. Talk. Make out. Probably argue,” Ren said, _“Hang out.”_

Hux sipped at his Champagne defiantly, “Sounds like a waste of time.”

***

Hux hated to admit how much he loved hanging out with Ren on the plush sofas, drinking expensive Champagne and picking at fancy appetizers. Ren was sitting close to him, legs drawn up and crossed. He laughed and kissed Hux’s cheek and ran his fingers through Hux’s hair every so often.

Hux couldn’t remember the last time he did this, if ever -- sitting around on a sofa drinking, talking and laughing with nowhere to go, nothing to do, no meetings to attend, no personnel to command. He always thought he’d hate leisure time, but he loved it. Loved sitting here with Ren, loved seeing his smile, hearing his laugh and looking over an actual city on an actual planet.

Ren smiled up at him, amused. “So you _like_ hanging out?” he said, “I like it too.” Hux was going to deny it, but there was no point.

“You’ve never done this?” Ren asked, rubbing the inside of Hux’s thigh lightly with his fingers.

Hux shook his head.

“Ever? Not even when you were a kid?”

Hux shook his head again. “No. I wasn’t allowed to just waste time hanging out, Ren. I always had books to read or lessons to complete or classes to attend.”

“All the time?” Ren asked.

Hux nodded. “All the time. My father didn’t allow anything else.”

“Oh,” Ren said, scrunching his brow, “My dad and I would spend entire days just hanging out.”

“What?”

“Yeah.”

“You’d do this all day?”

Ren nodded. “We’d just hang out at the house on Endor. Lay around on the deck. Eat food. Drink iced tea. Or Bourbon once I was old enough. All day long, until the sun went down. Then we’d look at the stars.”

Hux was floored. “That sounds ... like paradise.”

Ren nodded. “It was.”

“You don’t hang out with him anymore?”

Ren shrugged, “Not so much,” he said, looking away, “I can’t. Snoke doesn’t allow it. I don’t really want to talk about it.”

Hux nodded, feeling a tiny hint of rage in his belly. He changed the subject.

“What happened with your treehouse?”

Ren’s eyes lit up now. “I put down the deposit! The tree is mine!”

Hux smiled and kissed Ren’s lips. The idea of buying a tree and building a house on it had sounded frivolous to him before, but now, with his newfound knowledge of _hanging out_ he was excited about it. Excited to have a place to hang out with Ren as much as they wanted.

“We can hang out there all the time,” Ren said, pressing a kiss to Hux’s lips. In the background, the bass had been thumping beneath them with sound checks. “The music is starting soon. Are you ready to dance?”

***

Hux had never heard of the headlining performers, _Major Lazer,_ but he quickly understood why Ren had booked the Intro to Twerking class prior to the show. The music proved to be very twerk-able, and Ren had dragged them right to the center of the action.

Hux, now drunk from the free bottle service, which had turned out to be an endless parade of top shelf liquor, danced shamelessly on Ren, recounting all he could from their earlier twerking class and then turning to kiss Ren halfway through the show. The music was too loud for Hux to effectively communicate so instead he hugged Ren’s neck, held him close, nuzzled his ear and thought to himself, _“This is the most fun I’ve ever had, Ren.”_

***

When the show had finally concluded at 4:00 in the morning, the shuttle had picked them up from the heliport on the roof of the building and delivered them back to the _Finalizer_. Hux woke up in his own bed, thoroughly hungover, to the sound of a video bridge conference call. Ren was dialing in.

“Thank you for calling the Video Bridge Conference Line! If you know your party’s extension, enter it now. If you’re the host, press one.” A single button was pressed.

“Fuck,” Hux murmured, “Who are you calling?”

“I have a Knights of Ren conference call,” Ren croaked. Hux sat up and looked around. Ren was punching in more numbers while the automated voice prompted him. Their clothes were all over the floor and when Hux looked at the clock, he saw that it was nearly eight in the morning. Hux felt an unfamiliar panic coursing his veins. He hadn’t been late anywhere in decades. He showered quickly and got dressed.

When he got out of the shower, Ren was still slumped over the phone, the other Knights now on the line. “If you don’t know who made the blaster, then I can’t replace it,” Ren said.

A voice responded in some alien language Hux had never heard.

“Then call the aftermarket manufacturer and find out.”

Hux inched closer, Millicent tucked under his arm, and pressed a kiss to Ren’s forehead.

“Hold on,” Ren muttered and muted his line.

“I have to go, love,” Hux said, kissing Ren again. Hux found that he didn’t much like leaving Ren after having spent so much time with him, “I had fun last night. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, General,” Ren said, smiling and kissing Hux’s lips, “Have a good day.”

“You too,” Hux said and kissed him again, “You’ll be over this evening?”

“I’ll be over this evening,” Ren said with a smirk. They parted with one last kiss before Ren unmuted his phone. The alien voices on the other end had been going back and forth the whole time. 

“No. I’m not approving anymore shuttle upgrades in this fiscal year,” Ren said tiredly, “You’ll have to resubmit your purchase order requests in Q4.”

***

Hux swallowed four ibuprofen as he rushed down to the bridge with Millicent. She didn’t like being left alone all day, always giving Hux an earful when he’d arrive home in the evenings. So, Hux usually brought her down to his office so she could oversee the bridge with him. He’d even ordered her an official, custom made, First Order hat. When he got to his office, the report waiting for him was grim.

In the time he’d been away from his duties at the bridge, twerking on Coruscant with Kylo Ren and eating at Applebee’s, the civilian revolt had completely blown up. Plus, several important representatives from Corellia had arrived to hand-deliver a large envelope, sealed with wax, making Phasma sign for it in Hux’s inexcusable absence.

Hux cursed under his breath as he read over the summary about the civilian revolt. They were standing up against the First Order and everything it stood for, claiming that this oppressive regime was just the Galactic Empire reincarnate. A few activists had even traveled to nearby systems to stage demonstrations and protests to help spread the word.

Hux read through all the notes, read the tweets on #stopthefirstorder and then decided he’d seen enough for now. He scheduled a meeting with the senior officers, and invited Ren too, since he was the only commanding officer who actually engaged in ground combat -- his perspective would likely be needed. He opened the envelope from Corellia next, figuring it couldn’t possibly be worse than the #stopthefirstorder movement.

It was worse.

His mouth fell to the ground as he unfolded and unfolded and unfolded the longest piece of paper ever constructed. It’s content: Charges for damages done to Corellia in the wake of the First Order Weaponry Summit.

The bill was so long that it was strewn across the floor of Hux’s office, Millicent sniffing at it suspiciously, as Hux fed the paper through his hands, trying to reach the grand total at the bottom. When he finally reached the end, several feet of paper on the floor before him, and saw the total, he nearly had a stroke.

Sixteen billion dollars.

Hux collapsed, his face flat on the desk, the breath leaving his body. Millicent hopped up onto the desk and stood over him, licking her paws, but not offering any real help.

Ren, sensing the distress, rushed in a few moments later. He was dressed, but still didn’t have his helmet. Having been too hungover to properly shampoo and condition, so his hair was a mess.

“Are you ok, babe?” Ren asked as he gathered him up and revived him with a few kisses to the forehead.

“We got the bill from Corellia,” Hux wheezed.

“Is it bad?”

“That’s an understatement.” Hux pushed the bill towards Ren. Ren looked at it, feeding it through his hands in the same way Hux had. Millicent looked on, sniffing at the paper again.

“Holy fuck,” he said when he arrived at the sum total, “Holy shit. Fucking hell.”

Hux, after opening the other envelope, had collapsed on his desk again.

“Can we afford this?”

“What do you think?” Hux muttered into the desk.

Ren bit his lip. “What’s the other paper?” he asked.

Hux held up the paper for Ren to see, his face still buried in the desk, “A court summons from Corellia. We’re also being sued.”

_In the next installment: Ren plans a birthday party for Hux, which turns out to be better suited for a five-year-old than a First Order General - and at which the Knights of Ren make an unwelcome appearance. Hux deals with the Corellian financial disaster and its accompanying legal fallout. Mitaka continues to pursue Phasma with disturbing poetry excerpts and well-meaning, yet unauthentic artifacts._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to make you wait so long for this chapter! Barring any cosmic accidents or otherwise unforeseen setbacks, the next chapter will be posted on May 12, which is General Ginger Gleeson's 33rd birthday! 
> 
> Chapter title is named after Diplo's 2012 smash-hit twerk anthem, Express Yourself. Also, I imagine it's the song playing during the unnecessary twerk-off at the YMCA. 
> 
> Fun fact: I saw Major Lazer at a club a few years ago and it was absolutely bonkers: I crowd-surfed in an inflatable life raft, woke up the next morning with a melted chocolate chip in my hair and then threw up my breakfast burrito at work. A personal low.
> 
> I'm on tumblr at [a-sweater-poorly-knit](http://a-sweater-poorly-knit.tumblr.com/)!


	3. Happy Birthday, General Ginger!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phasma gets more gifts and poems from her unsecret admirer, Ren and Phasma talk Kylux, Hux gives an interminable presentation at the Budgetary Crisis Council meeting -- which later devolves to panicked chaos, and Ren throws a nostalgic birthday party for Hux where a few special guests make an appearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our favorite Gleeson turns 33 today! Happy Birthday, Tonal! 
> 
> This was supposed to be a ~~**SHORT**~~ chapter...

Hux looked over the cheery _PiYo_ brochure with a skeptical eye, sighed thoroughly as he looked on at Ren’s bizarre workout and tried to pretend that he wasn’t growing hard in his pants. Hux shifted his weight uncomfortably and watched as Ren led the class through some sort of elaborate cool down exercise, waving their arms to and fro above their heads, then hinging at the waist to touch their toes, then lying flat on their backs in total silence.

Why Ren had called him here to watch this, he wasn’t sure. Hux imagined it had something to do with the fact that Ren knew Hux didn’t care for public arousal. He looked on as Ren led the class through a final odd sequence of movements on the floor, his muscles straining and flexing, his skin glistening, his shorts hugging the outline of his ass, his dark hair slightly sweaty, his chest and pecs shining and ripped. Hux licked his lips. The class recited some sort of altrusic well-wish to the universe then bowed to no one in particular. When the class ended, Ren bent to roll up his mat, shorts stretching over his ass, and looked up, smiling to talk to a student, then straightening, shorts sticking to his thighs, a slight bulge at his--

“General,” Ren said, cutting into Hux’s thoughts. Hux straightened. Ren was approaching him now and students were filtering out with rolled up mats tucked beneath their arms.

“Hello, Ren.”

“Came to admire the view?” Ren asked.

“I came here because you summoned me,” Hux said.

“But also to admire the view?” Ren said as he made a show of toweling off.

“What do you want, Ren?” Hux asked once all of the students were gone.

“First,” Ren said, circling Hux, “I want to take care of the problem in your pants for you. Then I have something I want to talk to you about.”

“I don’t have a problem in my pants.”

“So you like being turned on in public?”

“I’m not turned on.”

“You are.”

“I’m not,” Hux said, “Don’t be ridiculous, Ren. We just had sexual relations this morning.”

Ren winced. “ _Sexual relations?_ ”

“Could you please get on with what you called me here for?”

“Sure,” Ren said, “Sex. And then we can talk.”

“I don’t want to have sex with you,” Hux said as Ren pulled him towards the locker room.

“Are you sure about that, General?” Ren asked as he opened the door to his suite and guided Hux in. Ren had paid extra to have his own suite within the locker room. When Hux had asked him why, he’d responded with: _So I can masturbate in there._

“Quite sure,” Hux said looking around, his mouth downturned, “I certainly don’t want to have sex with you in your public masturbatorium.”

“That’s a nice word,” Ren said, unfastening Hux’s belt for him, “Bend over the counter.”

“I don’t have time for this Ren,” Hux said, “And furthermore, I don’t want it.”

“Really?” Ren asked, “You don’t want to bend over for me so I can hold onto your hips and take you hard and fast from behind?”

Hux sighed. “Make it quick, Ren,” he said, “I have a meeting with the Budgetary Crisis Council in fifteen minutes.”

“I have to be at that meeting too,” Ren said, pulling his shorts down and kicking them away.

“Who invited you?” Hux looked on, frowning, “And you don’t wear underwear when you workout?”

“Phasma,” he said, “She told me there was free lunch. And nope.”

“It’s not free,” Hux said bitterly as Ren turned him around and bent him over, “It does come at a cost, you know.”

“Not to me,” Ren said with a shrug as he nudged Hux’s legs apart, “Hand me the lube in that drawer.”

“I find it disturbing that you don’t wear underwear when you teach a class of people to do whatever it is you were teaching them to do.”

“It’s called _PiYo._ A cross between Pilates and Yoga. And you like that I wasn’t wearing underwear.”

“It’s disgusting.”

“It’s done quite well in turning you on. Could you get the lube, please?” Ren asked,  “I thought you said you were in a hurry.”

“Why can you never retrieve your own lube?” Hux said as he opened the drawer and dug around.

Ren positioned himself between Hux’s legs as Hux handed him the lube. “Because that’s what you’re for.”

“You’re insufferable,” Hux said as Ren slid a finger in.

“You’re still stretched from earlier, General.”

“Well that’s a good thing, because we haven’t got much time. The meeting is in fourteen minutes.”

Ren removed his finger and pushed into Hux slowly. Hux placed his palms flat on the countertop and steadied his breath as Ren pushed into him. Before Ren, Hux would only engage in sex when absolutely necessary, usually just a few times a year. He never wanted more. He never needed more. But now, with Ren, he couldn’t seem to get enough. He wanted Ren every couple of hours. He wished they could lay around in bed together all day, fucking each other every which way and only stopping for food and hydration.

“We’ll have to do that soon, General,” Ren said.

Hux sighed. He wanted to deny it, but couldn’t bring himself to say anything. His sex drive was insatiable.

“Mine too,” Ren said.

Hux moaned.

“Want to finish on my face again?” Ren asked, one hand at Hux’s hip and the other on the back of his neck.

“Of course,” Hux breathed. Ren nodded and, in order to comply with their timing restraints, fucked Hux at a more efficient pace. As promised, he took Hux hard and fast, while Hux whimpered. Ren pulled out when he felt Hux was close, and knelt. Hux straightened and turned, then stroked himself just a couple of times before coming on Ren. Having just come all over Ren’s chest a few hours before, and the night before that, and the night before that, there wasn’t much to show for it. But it was enough that Ren still had to lick at his lips.

“Thanks, babe,” Ren said, kissing Hux’s thigh, “Want to shower with me?”

***

Hux had hung up his uniform carefully and gotten into the shower with Ren. They’d kissed under the spray for a few moments before Ren began washing his hair.

“Your birthday is coming up,” Ren said, turning to face Hux.

Hux glared at him, a cross between angry and defensive. “Who told you that?”

“You did. I read the paperwork you filled out for me. The boyfriend application or whatever.”

“You actually read it?” Hux asked, an eyebrow raising.

“I did,” Ren said, “Do you have plans?”

“Plans for what?”

“For your birthday.”

“No,” Hux said, “Why would I?”

“Because it’s your birthday.”

“And?”

“And people celebrate their birthdays.”

“Children, perhaps.”

“No. Adults do it too.”

“What self-respecting adult celebrates his or her birthday?”

“Practically everyone.”

“You’re not being serious.”

“I am,” Ren said, “You don’t celebrate your birthday? Ever?”

“Of course not,” Hux said, stepping into the spray. Ren frowned.

“What did you do on your birthday last year?”

Hux pursed his lips in thought. “I drank half a fifth of gin and fell asleep watching _Schindler’s List_ in my underwear.”

“Babe,” Ren furrowed his brow, “That’s literally the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Hux shrugged.

“Have you ever had a birthday party?” Ren asked.

“No,” Hux said, “My father thought parties and otherwise frivolous celebrations were an extraordinary waste of time and resources.”

 _“What?_ My parents threw me a party every year. Sometimes two if I didn’t get all the presents I wanted at the first party.”

“That’s lovely,” Hux muttered and shut off the water, “We’re going to be late.”

They both got out and dried off.

“Do you have any hair gel here?” Hux asked as he towel-dried his hair.

“A little bit. Leftover from -- definitely _not an ex_.”

Hux rolled his eyes. They dressed quickly, Hux drying his hair and using the offending hair gel anyways.

“Could I throw you a birthday party?” Ren asked softly, observing Hux in the mirror.

“That’s really not necessary, Ren.”

“Yes it is.”

“It’s not.”

“You’ve never had one?”

“No. I don’t even know that I’ve been to one. And I don’t intend to start now.”

 _“What?_ You haven’t even _been to one?”_

Hux shrugged. “I was invited to a birthday celebration at a local skating rink once, but I was in primary school. I had no way to get there. I had to decline the invitation.”

“Your father wouldn’t take you?”

“No.”

“Did you want to go?”

“It doesn’t matter now.”

“Sure it does. Why wouldn’t he take you?”

“He wouldn’t waste the time to take me planetside to visit a skating arena. I’ve just said he thought parties were frivolous. Which they are.”

“They’re not.”

Ren mumbled something and pulled on his boots.

“What was that?”

“I said I don’t like your father.”

***

Ren and Hux arrived at the Budgetary Crisis Council meeting five minutes late, smelling like the same shampoo. Hux took his seat at the head of the impossibly long table. He’d insisted on ordering the largest one the manufacturer had. It was nearly forty feet long and required it’s own audio and video system so everyone could see and hear everyone else. Ren sat at Hux’s right hand, with Phasma on the left.

The table was filled with other senior officers from every department, along with legal and administrative staff. Lieutenant Mitaka was there, sweating nervously at having been sat next to Phasma -- Ren had seen to that when he’d planned and distributed the seating chart for the meeting. Along the table, sandwiches and salads and fruit and pickles had been set out -- catered in by McAllisters  -- which meant this was to be a long meeting. Not caring to stand on ceremony, Ren dug into the lunch first, unwrapping each sandwich to find one he wanted.

Hux cleared his throat and dimmed the lights as he queued his couple hundred presentation slides. He stood behind the podium set up on the head of the table and spoke into the microphone after tapping it a few times to be sure it was on.

“I’ve called this session of the Budgetary Crisis Council to discuss recent legal charges brought against us by the Corellian government, as well as the $16 billion invoice we’ve received for destruction done in the wake of the First Order Weaponry Summit. I’ve outlined a proposed course of action in the following slides to address both the invoice and the lawsuit,” Hux said as Ren fiddled loudly with the paper wrapping of his sandwich, “This meeting should last 120 minutes in duration, with one five minute intermission at the midway point. Please help yourselves to the catered lunch as this will be the last of such luxuries for quite some time.”

People grabbed at the sandwiches now, unwrapping each to see what was inside.

“The sandwiches are labeled,” Hux yelled over the sound of the crinkling papers, “Please avoid tarnishing each sandwich your germs in a quest to find out if it’s turkey or ham.”

Used to Hux’s rebukes, the officers quieted and examined the outside of each sandwich closely. Phasma passed the pickles around as Hux straightened and launched into his slides. As usual, his rambling introductions preceded any information of real value.

Hux started in with a slide that listed the production credits for his presentation, followed by a slide with a photo of Galactic Empire leaders. Hux spoke proudly. “The weaponry summit is a time-honored tradition dating back to the earliest days of the Galactic Empire, first introduced by Grand Moff Tarkin as a means to push the envelope in the areas of weaponry development and warfare technology.”

***

An hour into the meeting, Hux had finally finished his introduction, which had turned out to be a lecture on the rise of modern warfare, with a spotlight on the weaponry malfunctions that led to the demise of the Galactic Empire. After allowing a five minute intermission, he promptly called the meeting to order and began working, line-by-line, through the itemized list of the expenses for which Corellia held them responsible. Ren had been munching loudly in his ear the whole time, drinking his sweet tea in noisy gulps and chewing on ice after sloshing it around in his cup. Mitaka had sweated through his jacket and gloves, his hands visibly shaking, while Phasma only made the situation worse. She’d taken off her helmet to eat, and now twirled hair her hair, leaned over often to ask him to pass the pickles or condiments or fruit, drawing attention to her lips and sitting closer to Mitaka than necessary.

“I plan to dispute damages done to the city on the grounds that they haven’t any solid evidence that it was us,” Hux droned along.

“Who else would’ve destroyed the city with lightsaber?” Ren interrupted as he munched on ice.

“Not all the damage was lightsaber-inflicted, Lord Ren,” Hux said, “And if you could please save your questions until--”

“What about our legal fees for hiring a team of lawyers?” Ren asked, “Have you factored those in too?”

“And you haven’t mentioned yet how these charges will affect the finishing stages of _Starkiller base_ ,” Phasma added.

“Yeah,” Ren said with a shrug, “Phas is right. We could easily come up with $16 billion if we halt the construction of _Starkiller_ and liquidate its assets.”

The questions poured in now.

_“What will happen to the staff at Starkiller?”_

_“Will this affect paid time off and holiday policies?”_

_“Will we still get an annual merit increase this year?”_

_“What about our benefits packages?”_

_“Can we expect any riffs or layoffs?”_

_“People have heard that our staff is to be reduced by 30%. Are the rumors true?”_

_“My division is already asking about job security. What should I tell them?”_

_“Do you plan to resign as a result of this crisis?”_

***

“Babe?” Ren asked, walking briskly to keep up with Hux after the meeting had finally drawn to a disgraceful ending three hours later. After Ren had derailed Hux’s agenda with his question, the meeting had devolved to panicked questions about job security and the First Order’s position of power within the universe. People shouted questions and Hux had few answers. He’d promised to set up a ticketing system with IT so officers and staff could submit questions, he’d promised to revise the budget with their lawyer fees factored in, he’d promised to issue a public statement regarding the crisis and he’d refused to confirm or deny any rumors about layoffs or paid time off policies.

“Are you mad at me?” Ren asked.

“I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

“What did I do?”

“You ruined my meeting.”

“I just asked a question.”

“I have work to do now, Ren,” Hux said shortly, “Unless you need something related to our current budgetary situation, please leave me alone.”

***

Ren was stretched out across Phasma’s bed, his feet resting on her hand-spun silk pillows. He was doing research on his iPad for possible venues for Hux’s birthday party while Phasma sorted through the latest gift basket from her “secret” admirer.

He’d sent her an Edible Arrangement® this time, with a set of vintage Lorth Needa pins, all of which Ren identified as fakes, and another depressing poetry excerpt. Phasma had no patience for poetry, so Ren had dimmed the lights and read it to her:

_somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond_

_any experience, your eyes have their silence:_

_in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,_

_or which i cannot touch because they are too near_

 

_your slightest look easily will unclose me_

_though i have always closed myself as fingers,_

_you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens_

_(touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose_

“That’s beautiful,” Ren said, “And sexual. He wants to bone you, Phas. Or wants you to bone him. I can’t tell.”

Phasma rolled her eyes and looked over the poem after Ren handed it back to her. She frowned at it. “Who the hell wrote this?”

“E.E. Cummings,” Ren said, as he scrolled through his iPad, “Do you think Hux wants to have his party on _Starkiller_?”

“I don’t like Mitaka,” Phasma said with a frown as she ate a chocolate covered melon wedge.

“Why not?”

“He’s too short. And quiet. And sweaty. And nervous.”

“He can’t help his height. He’s not quiet at all. He and I talk all the time. And he’s only sweaty and nervous around you because he’s in love. Sometimes Hux makes me sweat.”

Phasma sighed. “Hux doesn’t want a _Starkiller_ party. He’s saving that for the opening night gala.”

“What should I get him for his birthday?”

“Sixteen billion dollars.”

“Seriously, Phas. I want this to be nice for him. He’s never had a birthday party. Or even been to one.”

_“What?”_

“He said his father didn’t care about parties,” Ren said, “I want to throw him a good party. I just. I don’t know. I haven’t even really known him that long outside of just work.”

“Well has he mentioned anything?” Phasma said as she picked a chocolate strawberry from her fruit bouquet and crumpled up the poem, “Anything he’s wanted to do?”

***

“Is there anything you want for your birthday, Hux?” Ren asked hesitantly as he watched Hux work.

It was well past midnight, but Hux was still working, seated at his desk in his own quarters, scribbling notes on a legal pad and wading fruitlessly through a sea of paperwork. His hair was a mess, his eyes were tired and he was refusing to sleep until he’d combed through the full list of charges again and the entire court summons document and prepared a statement. Millicent slept next to the mess of papers with her tail curled around her body, purring evenly, her whiskers twitching as she dreamed.

“Babe?” Ren said, when Hux didn’t respond.

“What?”

“Is there anything you want for your birthday?” Ren had been reclining on Hux’s bed in his underwear, still researching party venues. He got up now and sat down on top of Hux’s desk, smushing a few papers in the process.

“What do you mean?” Hux muttered.

“What do you want for your birthday?”

“I want this lawsuit and the $16 billion invoice to go away.”

“Ok,” Ren said, “Do you want something that I can give you?”

“What are you getting at, Ren?” Hux said tiredly, “Just come out with it.”

“I just want to get you a birthday present. What do you want as a birthday present?”

“I don’t need a birthday present.”

“I didn’t ask you if there’s anything you _needed._ I asked if there’s anything you _wanted._ ”

“I neither need nor want anything.”

“I want to get you something.”

“I don’t need anything.”

Ren huffed. “Can we make out?”

“What? Now?”

“Yeah,” Ren said, “Or later. We haven’t had time to kiss and cuddle all day.”

“I have work to do.”

“Well can we make out when you’re done?”

“I’ll never be done.”

“Are you mad at me still?”

“This is exactly why I didn’t want a relationship,” Hux snapped, “I don’t have time for distractions. I have a major crisis to resolve and you’re asking about birthday presents and kisses.”

Millicent woke, raising her head and drawing her ears back at the sharpness in Hux’s tone.

“You can’t work _all_ the time.”

“I can. And I will. Get off of my papers,” Hux said, swatting at Ren. Millicent meowed disapprovingly.

“Well can you at least come work in bed so we can cuddle?”

“No,” Hux murmured, turning another page and not looking in Ren’s direction. Millicent jumped down, sulking away to find someplace quieter to sleep.

“Babe,” Ren whined.

“Ren!” Hux said sharply, turning to him, “I can’t do this right now. _I fucking can’t._ So either shut up, or leave.”

***

Ren had chosen the latter option and was now curled up in bed with Phasma. She’d been sleeping when he called, but she’d gotten up to let him in anyways. He’d undressed and crawled into bed with her, snuggling close and kissing her cheek and murmuring a thank you.

“Phas,” Ren said softly, his nose buried in her neck.

“Hm?” she murmured, shifting beneath the blankets.

“Do you think Hux and I should be together?”

Phasma sighed, “You really want to talk about this now?”

“Yes.”

Phasma rolled over to look at Ren. “I think Hux is unstable.”

“Really?”

Phasma nodded.

“Oh?” Ren said.

“Yeah,” Phasma said, “Are you surprised?”

“No, it’s just. That’s what people usually say about me.”

“Well yeah. You’re unstable too. But at least you know it. Hux is unstable, but doesn’t really acknowledge it. Which is frightening,” Phasma said with a shrug, “I don’t know if he can be a member of a healthy, functioning relationship. I like the two of you in theory, but I’m just worried he won’t be a good partner for you, darling.”

“But I like him. I really want to be with him.”

“I know you do,” Phasma said, “I just … I don’t know. I want you to be happy.”

“I am happy.”

“I know. I just worry that you won’t be with Hux.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” she said as they snuggled back up together. Phasma kissed his hair. They were quiet for a while, Ren’s arm draped over Phasma, their breath evening out.

“You don’t stay at your place much anymore,” Phasma finally said, “Or at all.”

“Yeah,” Ren said.

“Is Eduardo’s stuff still there?”

Ren didn’t say anything.

“I can go pack it up for you, you know. If you don’t want to do it?”

“That’s ok,” Ren said softly, “I can do it.”

Phasma sighed. “Kylo, I love you darling, but are you sure you’re not just using Hux as a distraction to avoid dealing with your feelings? About Eduardo?”

“I like Hux.”

“I know you do. But just because you like him doesn’t mean you’re not using him to distract yourself.”

“I need to sleep,” Ren said with a yawn, “I have a _PiYo_ class to teach in the morning.”

***

Ren and Hux didn’t really talk much the next day. Hux was engulfed with work and Ren was busy planning him a birthday party, plus his helmet had come back from Corellia, so he had paperwork to sign and a supplementary report to file. Plus his helmet needed polished and cleaned. Ren found Hux on the bridge later, dealing with the ongoing civilian revolt and the #stopthefirstorder movement.

“You missed the meeting today,” Hux said when he felt Ren approach.

“What meeting?” Ren asked.

“About the civilian revolt,” Hux said turning to look at him, startled by shininess of the helmet.

“Oh,” Ren said, “I didn’t know about it. And I had to be home to sign for my helmet anyways.”

“I put it on your calendar.”

“I lost my iPad again.”

“Well you made the meeting yesterday.”

“Because I was fucking you right before it started.”

“You can only make it to meetings if I drag you there post-sex?” Hux muttered, “What do you want, Ren? I know you haven’t come here to actually work.”

Ren exhaled loudly through his mouthpiece. “Your birthday is tomorrow, General and --”

“And I told you I didn’t want to celebrate it.”

“I think you could stand to get away for a few hours,” Ren said, “You haven’t stopped working since we got back from our date on Coruscant.”

“I don’t have time to stop working, Ren.”

“Can I speak to you in private, General?”

Ren led Hux to his office and once he was there, released his mouthpiece and pulled off the helmet. Ren tucked the helmet beneath his arm and looked directly at Hux.

“Don’t give me those eyes, Ren.”

Ren gave him the eyes anyways, dark and pleading. Earnest and sincere. Desperate and beseeching. “You really need to enjoy yourself once and a while, babe,” Ren said.

“We’ve just come from a party on Coruscant. That’s quite enough fun for this year.”

“Hux, babe,” Ren said looking at him solemnly, “Please let me do this for you?”

***

Hux crossed his arms sourly and sat next to Ren on the command shuttle as it lifted off from the hangar the next day, Hux’s birthday. Ren smiled and switched on his U-Verse, then pried one of Hux’s hands free so he could hold it. Hux complied begrudgingly. Earlier that day, Ren had posted fourteen pictures to their Instagram, all of them wishing his General Ginger a happy birthday. The comments and well-wishes had poured in.

Phasma and Mitaka sat behind them, Mitaka sweating profusely again and Phasma dressed in a daringly short platinum silver sequin dress with heels, since she didn’t already tower over Mitaka enough. Mitaka had sent her yet another gift that morning: A rare Japanese orchid in a crystal vase (fake crystal, according to Ren) and a handmade leather blaster sling (faux leather, according to Ren). The poems were becoming increasingly desperate:

_I have emotions_

_that are like newspapers that_

_read themselves._

_I go for days at a time_

_trapped in the want ads._

_I feel as if I am an ad_

_for the sale of a haunted house:_

_18 rooms_

_$37,000_

_I’m yours_

_ghosts and all._

They all four sat in silence as they made the jump to lightspeed. Once the pilot had turned off the fasten seatbelt sign, Ren hopped up and scurried off to the bathroom. He emerged several minutes later.

Hux turned and caught a glimpse when he heard the bathroom door open, and immediately did a double take. Ren was dressed in crisp black dress pants, perfectly tailored and fashionably short with a matching vest, buttoned up with a black tie and a pristine white shirt. He wore polished loafers, his hair was nicely coiffed and he had a silver name tag attached to his vest that said KYLO REN. He was pushing a beverage cart, bottles of gin lined up with an assortment of mixers and accoutrements.

“Hello,” Ren said, wheeling up to Hux, “Thank you for flying First Order airlines. My name is Kylo. I’ll be taking care of you today. Our in-flight meal this evening is Japanese Snapper with Sea Urchin and Coconut Risotto. Can I start you off with something to drink?”

***

Ren was massaging Hux’s feet while Hux sat in one of the recliners and sipped on a stiff drink, watching the _NBC Nightly News._ The chef Ren had hired was prepping the ingredients for dinner. A small quartet played in the corner. On the sofa, Mitaka had polished off four gin cocktails before becoming tipsy enough to speak to Phasma. He’d simply said, _“How do you do, Captain?”_

Lucky for him, Phasma was a skilled conversationalist. Their conversation had blossomed into a discourse on modern military rhetoric, the upcoming Senate election and the latest episode of _Diners, Drive-ins and Dives._

“Feeling more relaxed, General?” Ren asked from where he knelt on the floor, Hux’s feet in his hands.

“Yes,” Hux said simply, looking at him and swirling his drink, “Where did you get that outfit?”

“You like it?” Ren asked with a smirk. He’d rolled up his sleeves before he’d taken to massaging Hux and now his muscles flexed as he worked Hux’s feet, the shirt and pant fabric straining to keep up.

Hux sipped his drink and eyed Ren around his glass.

“I know you like it,” Ren said, his voice low, “And I know you can’t wait to take it off.”

Hux finished his drink. Ren stood, washed his hands, made Hux a new drink, then got back to work on Hux’s other foot.

“Why are you doing all of this?” Hux asked after watching Ren work for a few minutes.

“Because it’s your birthday,” Ren said, kissing Hux’s foot, “And because you deserve it.”

***

Hux peeled off Ren’s flight attendant uniform in the newly-remodeled bathroom.

“Did you do all the renovation work yourself?” Hux asked as he kissed his way down the freshly exposed skin of Ren’s chest as he unbuttoned his shirt.

“I did,” Ren said, leaning on the countertop and growing uncomfortably hard in his pants.

“It looks great,” Hux said as he pushed off Ren’s shirt and tossed it to the floor.

“Hux?” Ren asked as Hux unfastened his pants.

“Yeah?”

“Are you still mad at me?”

“For what?”

“For ruining your meeting. For missing the other one. I don’t know. I feel like things are weird between us. We haven’t talked since our fight.”

“It wasn’t a fight and I’m not mad at you, love,” Hux said as he unzipped Ren’s pants.

“Are you sure? I just -- I don’t know. You told me to shut up or leave,” Ren said softly, “I don’t like unresolved disagreements.”

Hux sighed and stood up. “I’m sorry, love. I was stressed.”

“Do you like me?”

“Do I like you?”

Ren nodded.

“Of course I like you.”

“And you want to be with me?”

“I do,” Hux said, “I’m lucky to have you. I just -- I’ve not had to balance a relationship with work. I’m sorry I snapped at you.”

Ren chewed on his lip and looked away.

Hux kissed Ren’s neck. “You’re beautiful. And perfect. And you’ve taken the time and effort to plan me a party even though I said I didn’t want one, and even though I got upset with you.”

Ren nodded and met Hux’s eyes. “I know it’s early in our trial relationship, but I care about you a lot, General.”

“I care for you too, Ren.”

They kissed again, Ren grinding his hips into Hux.

“Hux?”

“Yeah?”

“Will you fuck me now? Hard? And fast, too. I think dinner is almost ready.”

***

Hux fucked Ren hard and fast, a hand over his mouth to keep him quiet and the other on his hip to hold him in place. Ren was bent over the sink, just like he’d had Hux in the locker room suite. Outside of the door, they heard the chef’s sauté pans sizzling, smelled the aroma of fish and heard Mitaka and Phasma _laughing._

“Gin, sex and Japanese snapper,” Hux grunted as he fucked into Ren, “It’s shaping up to be quite a birthday.”

Ren said something, his words muffled by Hux’s hand. Hux removed it.

“What’d you say, love?”  

“I said and we’re not even at your party yet.”

Hux grabbed onto his hair now. “Tell me where we’re going,” Hux grunted, “Or I won’t finish inside of you.”

Ren whined and craned his neck to look at Hux.

“You like that don’t you?” Hux asked, “My come inside of you?”

“Y-yes,” Ren said as Hux pulled back on his hair.

“Yes, what?”

“Yes, General.”

“That’s good,” Hux said, _“Good, Ren._ If you were always so good, I’d fuck you like this more often.”

Ren moaned.

“Tell me where we’re going,” Hux repeated.

“It’s supposed to be a surprise,” Ren whined.

“And it has been.”

Ren mulled it over as Hux fucked him roughly and pulled on his hair.

“You really must not want my come inside of you,” Hux said.

“You’re pulling hard, babe,” Ren said, his head drawn back and neck exposed.

“Fuck,” Hux said, letting go and bending to kiss Ren’s back and shoulders, “Fuck, I’m so sorry, love. Are you alright?”

Ren nodded.

“Darling? Are you alright?”

“I’m ok,” Ren said.

Hux kissed his shoulders again, muttering apologies as he pulled out and nudged Ren to turn over. Ren turned over, sitting on the countertop and opening his legs wide for Hux.

“Wanted to see your eyes,” Hux said softly and kissed his lips. Ren scooted his hips down and pulled Hux in, muttering a _fuck me please._

Ren held onto Hux’s neck as Hux held Ren underneath his thighs and fucked him again.

“Are you going to tell me where we’re going, love,” Hux asked, “Or should I come all over your perfect tummy?”

Ren huffed and let his head fall back, then straightened. “We’re going to a skating rink,” he said.

_“A skating rink?”_

Ren smirked at him. “Yes, General.”

“Is that because of our talk the other night? About how I didn’t get to go to the party?”

“Yes, General,” Ren said, “I know how much you’d wanted to go.”

Hux laughed a bit and kissed Ren’s collarbone. “You’re take me to a skating rink.”

“I am.”

Hux nipped at Ren’s collarbone now and then placed a few kisses on his jaw. “I’m going to come inside of you now.”

“Good,” Ren said, jerking himself off, “My shower works. So don’t hold back.”

Hux gripped Ren’s thighs as he came inside of him, then collapsed against Ren’s chest as Ren came on him. They stayed that way for a few moments, before Hux straightened and kissed Ren.

“Shower with me, General,” Ren said, “I brought your H&M outfit.”

***

Ren and Hux had showered together, eaten dinner with Phasma and Mitaka and polished off two more cocktails each before the shuttle touched down in the skating rink parking lot. Thoroughly tipsy, Ren held Hux’s hand and dragged him inside as Phasma and Mitaka followed. When they entered the rink, the lights came on and a few voices yelled, _SURPRISE!_

Ren had tried to procure an invitee list of Hux’s acquaintances, only to find that Hux didn’t really know anyone or have friends or family. Ren had settled on a few First Order officers Hux actually liked, Han and Leia, one of Eduardo’s sheep (who’d hitched a ride with Han and Leia), Phasma, Mitaka and an odd mix of humans and humanoid creatures, both male and female, clad in grandiose all black costumes.

“What do you think, babe?” Ren asked. Hux’s lips crept into a smile as he looked around. The place was ridiculous: Bright polka dots painted on the wall, bouncy pop music playing from the speakers and the skating rink’s mascots, two humans dressed as a pizza slice and a fountain cola were skating around tossing confetti. The rink was lit up by neon lights and a spectacular disco ball. There was a skate-up bar in the center of the rink. Hux looked closer. The bartender was the master distiller from the gin distillery they’d gone to. Hux waved excitedly. There was cotton candy and popcorn. Soft pretzels with cheese. Noisy arcade games and buckets of tokens. A mime. A man juggling cantaloupes. A bouncy house and a ball pit. On a large table, a giant cake with Grand Moff Tarkin’s face on it, surrounded by First Order branded plates, cups and napkins.

Hux laughed, “It’s perfect. Thank you, Ren.”

Ren rejoiced and kissed Hux, then pulled a party hat from behind his back and placed it on Hux’s head, snapping the strap beneath his chin. Ren put a party hat on himself too as the sheep bleated and nosed at Ren’s legs.

“Hux, this is Carlita,” Ren said as he put a party hat on her too. She bleated again and wandered away to go chew on the napkins. Ren grabbed Hux’s hand.

“We have to get you some skates!”

***

Not surprisingly, Hux didn’t know how to roller skate. The Knights didn’t either, they’d tried to take a lap around the rink, their black robes flapping about, but had ended up in various states of either sprawled on the ground or clinging to the wall. Ren had rounded them all up and led a a basics of roller skating crash course. Before getting started, he’d scribbled everyone’s names on name tags and plastered them to their chests. Hux looked around as Ren introduced him to his Knights.

“Babe, these are the Knights of Ren,” He pointed them out as he said their names, “Kuar, Kimber, Kanoro, Kasi, Katsu and Desdemona.”

Hux stared at them. Some were human. Some were humanoid species that Hux couldn’t identify. Some were male. Some were female. All were dressed dramatically. They were a diverse bunch, as Ren prided himself on being an equal opportunity employer. The one identified as Kasi, a female, and what Hux determined to be a cross of Twi’lek, Gungan and Sharu, said something in a language Hux had never heard. She spoke for a good 45 seconds.

“She says it’s nice to meet you!” Ren said.

“Is that all?”

“It’s an evolving language,” Ren said softly, “Everyone partner up!”

Ren moved to partner with the human female identified as Desdemona. She was a small and frail girl with frizzy blonde hair and Hux wondered how on earth she functioned as a Knight of Ren.  

“Hold hands, take it slow. It’s easier to learn to skate with someone to hold onto!”

“So we can drag each other down?” Hux asked as Kasi partnered with him and said something in her complicated language, again speaking for almost a minute.

“Yep!” Ren said as he gracefully led them out onto the floor, “And she said she likes gingers.”

They all followed on shaky legs, each of them immediately falling one-by-one once their skates hit the floor.

“Ok,” Ren said, looking down at them on the floor as Desdemona clung to his arm. “I overestimated your ability level. I’ll demonstrate first.”

***

An hour later, they were at least able to shuffle around the rink in careful strides. Ren held Hux, arms wrapped around his waist from behind and skated with him easily. Ren didn’t bother to help the rest of the Knights, instead skating around them skillfully from where they were laid out on the floor, trying to regain their footing enough to stand.

Han and Leia had only put on skates so they could get to the bar and Carlita had taken a seat next to them and chewed on paper cups while Leia petted her head. Having discovered they both had experience with roller skating, Phasma and Mitaka had been holding hands and skating in circles since they’d arrived. Phasma had done roller derby for thirteen years and Mitaka had skated competitively with an interpretative dance team.

“Are you having a nice time, General?” Ren said as he kissed Hux’s neck.

“I am,” Hux said, “This is lovely, Ren.”

“Good,” Ren said, then paused, “Don’t be mad at me, but I invited someone else.”

“Who?”

“Your father.”

***

Hux’s father arrived just as they were preparing to blow out candles and cut the cake. He arrived looking thoroughly cross, turning up his nose at the decorations and blissful music.

“Your dad’s here!” Ren said, pulling Hux over. Hux dragged his feet.

“Why did you invite him here, Ren?”

“Because it’s your birthday and he needs to witness you having fun so he can see the error of his ways.”

Ren approached Hux’s father and shoved a drink in his hands, then snapped a party hat on his head.

“Commandant,” Ren said, “Good to meet you. I’m Kylo Ren/Ben Organa-Solo, your son’s trial boyfriend and I’ve thrown him a birthday party. You’ve arrived just in time for the cutting of the cake. I trust you’ll join us.”

The man looked on, his expression stern. He looked to be about the age of Ren’s parents, with gray hair, a face with hard lines and angles, a stiff upper lip, a brisk mustache and a freshly-pressed uniform.

“Father,” Hux said.

“General,” Brendol Hux said.

They fell silent.

“Wow,” Ren said, “Let’s cut the cake.”

Ren guided them over to the table where everyone was gathered around. Leia was just finishing lighting the candles. Hux the Elder looked on and sipped his drink. The Knights of Ren pushed Hux into a chair, then lifted the chair above their heads, thrusting Hux upwards as they all sang happy birthday. They set him down.

“Now what?” Hux asked.

“Make a wish, then blow out the candles,” Ren said.

“A wish for what?”

“Whatever you want. But don’t tell us!”

“Is this some kind of birthday tradition?”

“Yes,” they sall said.

Hux thought to himself for a few moments, then blew out the candles. Everyone cheered and raised their glasses.

“To General Ginger!” Ren said.

“To General Ginger!”

***

Hux the Elder, it turned out, loved gin as much as Hux the Younger. Not bothering with skates and ignoring the sign that cautioned NO SHOES ON THE ROLLER RINK, Hux the Elder had walked to the bar, planted himself there and began drinking at a furious pace.

“Let’s go to talk to your dad!” Ren said, again skating with Hux and watching as Hux the Elder drained another cocktail.

“Let’s not.”

Ren pulled him over anyways.

“Commandant,” Ren said, plopping down next to him, “What’s your favorite TV show?”

Hux buried his face in his hands.

“I don’t watch television.”

“What’s your favorite food?”

“Whatever’s on sale.”

“What’s your favorite planet?”

“I don’t like planets.”

“What’s your favorite color?”

“I’m color blind.”

“What’s your favorite memory of Hux?”

“When he finally moved out of my home at the age of 14 and stopped leeching money from my bank account.”

“Wow,” Ren said.

They sat in awkward silence for a few moments.

“This is your boyfriend, General?” Hux the Elder said to Hux the Younger. Hux the Younger straightened.

“Trial boyfriend, yes.”

“And he did all this just for you?” Hux the Elder said, looking around at the party as Mitaka and Phasma made out in the ball pit.

“Yes.”

“Keep him. He’s not sane. I like him.”

Hux the Elder extended his hand to Ren. “Kylo Ren/Ben Organa-Solo, you’re a good citizen.”

Ren shook his hand.

“Kylo Ren/Ben Organa-Solo,” Hux the Elder said again.

“You can call me Kylo,” Ren said softly, raising his hand to pardon the interruption.

“Kylo, you’ve thrown a magnificent party. Bring me a pair of roller skates, size 12, and another drink and let’s take a lap around the rink.”

***

Hux sat with Han and Leia at the bar and watched as his father and Ren skated around the rink, arms linked, drinking and laughing. Hux hadn’t even known his father could rollerskate.

“What the hell,” Hux murmured, downing another drink.

“Ben brings out the best in people,” Han said, handing Hux a small box.

“What’s this?” Hux asked.

“Your birthday present,” Leia said, “We hope you like it.”

“Oh?” Hux said, “You really didn’t have to get me anything.”

“Just open it, General,” Leia said.

Hux opened the present carefully and peeked inside. A key and a business card.

“The key is for our treehouse on Endor,” Han said, “Ben said you’ve just learned how to hang out, so you’re welcome to come hang out at the treehouse whenever you want, even if Ben can’t make it.”

Hux’s eyes grew wide. “You really didn’t have t0--”

“The business card is for the Correllian government’s Chief Financial Officer,” Leia said, “He’s an ally and friend of mine. If you call him directly and tell him I sent you, he might be able to take a few billion off of your invoice.”

***

When they’d gotten back to the _Finalizer_ , it was late and Hux had fallen asleep on Ren’s shoulder on the ride home. Ren knew Hux would hate to be seen being carried through the halls of the Finalizer, but he did it anyways, picking up Hux, giving Phasma a kiss goodnight and carrying Hux up to his quarters. Hux stirred a bit, and finally woke up when Ren had laid him in bed and was removing his boots and clothes.

“Ren?”

“Hi, babe,” Ren said and kissed his forehead.

“You didn’t carry me here, did you?” Hux asked, propping himself up on his elbows and looking around.

“I did.”

Hux furrowed his brow. “What if someone saw?”

“No one saw.”

“How do you know?”

“We have a public Instagram anyways, babe,” Ren said, sitting on the bed now and giving Hux a kiss and taking off his shirt, “Take my underwear off.”

Hux eyed him. “Why?”

“I have a surprise for you,” Ren explained, “For your birthday.”

Hux frowned. “I’m quite terrified to find out what sort of birthday surprise awaits me inside of your underwear.”

“Just do it, Hux.”

Hux sighed and sat up, pulling Ren’s underwear down slowly. When he’d lowered the underwear just past Ren’s hips, he stopped and took in a sharp breath. He didn’t know how he’d missed it, but it was so small that it’d be easy to overlook. Just below Ren’s hipbone was a tiny tattoo, barely the the size of a quarter. It was Hux’s personal crest, a seal he’d commissioned from a local branding agency upon becoming General of the First Order and which he’d taken to stamping on everything he felt he either owned or had the right to own. His ships, every inch of _Starkiller_ base, his blaster, his boots, his uniforms, his stationery, Millicent’s furniture.

Hux’s eyes widened. “My crest.”

Ren nodded.

“It’s a tattoo?”

Ren nodded.

“This is permanent?!”

Ren nodded.

“You’ve had my personal crest of ownership permanently tattooed onto your body?”

Ren nodded.

Hux ran his fingers over it. “When did you get this done?”

“Last week.”

Hux was speechless as he inspected the tiny tattoo, done with immaculate detail, it was a perfect replication of his crest. “I can’t believe this,” Hux said, looking up, “Do you do this for all of your boyfriends?”

“No. Just you, General.”

Hux touched the tattoo again, then finished removing Ren’s underwear, pushing him down flat on his back.

“Do you like it, General?”

“You really mean it?” Hux asked.

“Mean what?”

“That I own you? That you’re mine?”

Ren nodded.

Hux spread Ren’s legs apart and positioned himself between them.

“Three weeks into our six week trial and you’ve tattooed my crest beneath your underwear,” Hux said.

Ren nodded, biting his lip with uncertainty. Even with his unique set of capabilities, he was having a hard time reading Hux’s reaction. Hux admired Ren’s naked body, his toned muscles and his creamy, pale skin tarnished by a singular mark: _Hux’s crest._

“Do you like it?” Ren asked again.

“I’m sure you’ve considered this, but getting my crest tattooed on yourself is a terribly risky and bizarre move,” Hux said and kissed the tattoo.

“You like it,” Ren said, his eyes growing. Hux kissed the tattoo again.

“Of course I like it,” Hux admired it again.

 _“I love it,”_ he said, “You’re mine now. You’ve desecrated your entire body for me. And we’re still in the trial phase. You’ve put your fate in my hands. I could still break up with you, you know.”

Ren blinked as Hux received lube from next to his bed. “I wouldn’t say I’ve _desecrated_ my --”

“And if I did, you’d be left with my crest forever,” Hux kissed the tattoo again, “For your next lover to find.”

“B-but you like it?” Ren said.

“You’re psychotic,” Hux said as he spread lube on one of his fingers, “Only you would do something so rash.”

“It’s not like I’m the only person who’s ever tattooed a boyfriend’s mark on his body. Other people have done this, you now,” Ren said a bit defensively. Hux shushed him and worked a finger in, bending to kiss the tattoo again.

Ren shut his eyes and sunk down into Hux’s finger. He swore he heard Hux murmur _good boy_ as he kissed Ren’s stomach and tattoo and worked his fingers in slowly.

Once Ren was ready, Hux lubed himself and gingerly held Ren’s waist as he pushed in. Hux took his time entering Ren, and once he’d bottomed out, gave Ren a few more kisses around his belly button. He pulled out slowly, feeling himself dragging on Ren, then pushed back in. He took it slow and easy, speeding up gradually and making eye contact with Ren the whole time. Ren couldn’t look away. The silence in the air between them was different, but comfortable. Where they normally bickered, they now moaned. While they normally fucked each other recklessly, they now made love carefully. Hux didn’t rush or grab, just held Ren there and thrusted into him gently, then used a hand to jerk Ren off. Ren let his head fall back as he came, finally breaking eye contact, then Hux came too. Hux collapsed next to Ren and Ren turned and snuggled in, holding him close. Ren kissed Hux’s neck and shoulder a few times before lying down to sleep and hugging Hux close.

“Thank you, love,” Hux said, “This was a wonderful day.”

“You’re welcome,” Ren said, “Happy Birthday, General.”

_In the next installment: It’s Hux’s turn to choose the date, so naturally, he takes Ren to a raw vegan restaurant, then to see the Imperial Orchestra. Phasma freaks the hell out when she sees Ren’s tattoo, then, taking a queue from Ren, Mitaka gets Phasma tattooed on his back. Hux tries to negotiate with Corellia’s CFO and team of lawyers while also placating Finalizer staff concerns. Hux the Younger is bitter that Hux the Elder skated with Ren, but not him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second poem about newspaper want ads and ghosts is Real Estate by Richard Brautigan.


	4. Near, Far, Wherever You Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phasma is horrified by Ren's new tattoo, Hux takes Ren to a raw vegan restaurant in a flying limousine, then, later in the evening Ren and Hux enjoy extra fluffy pillowtalk.

“What did you do?!”

Phasma looked on in horror as Ren showed off his tattoo.

“It’s Hux’s seal,” Ren explained.

“I know what it is! Why did do you do this?”

Ren shrugged. “Because I like him.”

Ren sat on his knees in the center of Phasma’s bed, holding his shirt up, the waistband of pants pulled low enough for Phasma to see the tattoo.

She clawed at her eyes. “Are you crazy?”

Ren nodded.

“Why did you do this?” Phasma demanded.

“I just said I did it because I like him,” Ren frowned, “Weren’t you listening?”

“Oh my god,” Phasma said, then turned from him. She screamed into a pillow, then buried her head beneath it.

“What’s wrong, Phas?”

Phasma was unresponsive beneath the pillow. Ren nudged her leg.

“Why are you so upset?”

She sat up now, flinging the pillow at him with unerring accuracy. Ren stopped it mid-air.

“That’s never coming off, Kylo!”

“I know that,” he said, “Tattoos are known for their permanence.”

“And you’re ok with the fact that you have Hux’s awful ownership seal tattooed on your body? Forever.”

Ren nodded, the pillow still hovering between them.

“Would you put that down?”

Ren let it fall. Phasma yanked it up and swiped at him. Ren allowed this blow.

“You plan to be with Hux forever?”

“Obviously,” Ren said, indicating the tattoo.

“Are you _crazy?”_

“You already asked that and I said yes,” Ren sighed, “I thought you liked me and Hux together?”

“I like the idea of the two of you dating, but you are not ready for a serious, _forever_ relationship.”

Ren scowled at her. “Yes, I am.”

“You’re still in love with Eduardo!”

“No, I’m not!”

“Yes, you are!”

“No, I’m not!”

“You don’t love Hux!”

“Yes, I do!”

“Of all the poorly-planned, ill-advised, short-sighted shit you’ve done, this is next level. Even for you, Kylo.”

“What does it matter to you? It’s not your body,” Ren crossed his arms and glared at her like an insubordinate toddler.

“I can’t believe you did this,” she said, her hand on her forehead, “I’m calling your mom.”

Phasma searched for her phone in the sheets, but Ren beat her to it, hovering it high in the air above her head.

“No, you’re not.”

Phasma’s door buzzed.

“Put that down, Kylo,” Phasma said, standing up in bed and reaching for it.

“No!”

“Give it!”

“You don’t get to call my mom and you don’t get to judge me for getting a tattoo.”

The door buzzed again. Phasma let out an anguished yell and stomped down the steps of her bed, then down to her front door. Ren followed, looking out over her lofted balcony to see who it was.

“I hate you!” She yelled over her shoulder as she threw the door open to reveal a startled Mitaka wearing a tuxedo and holding six dozen red roses.

“H-hi,” he stammered.

“Hi,” she snapped.

“Can I come in?” He’d already begun his nervous sweat.

“Fine,” she said, holding the door open. He ushered himself in, arms full of roses.

“I brought you flowers,” he said.

“I can see that.”

Mitaka nodded as Ren came stomping down the stairs.

“Lord Ren,” he said, “Hello.” He turned to Phasma next, who was dressed in boxers and a hoodie.

“I thought we were having a date tonight?” he whispered politely.

“We are,” she said, then turned to Ren, her eyes steely, “Kylo was just leaving.”

“It’s not that bad is it, Phas?” Ren asked as he gathered his shoes.

“No, Kylo, it’s great. Hux’s personal mark, tattooed on your groin forever,” she said, “It’s brilliant.”

Ren rolled his eyes. Mitaka fidgeted and clutched desperately at his roses.

“Kylo got Hux’s stamp of ownership tattooed on his body,” Phasma said to Mitaka, “After just a handful of dates. Isn’t that sweet?”

Mitaka’s eyes darted back and forth between Ren and Phasma for an indication as to how he was  to answer.

“No?” he said.

“No?” Ren said.

“Yes?” Mitaka tried.

“Yes?” Phasma said.

The three stood at an impasse. Ren spoke first. “I’m leaving. I have a date tonight, too,” he yanked the door open, “Thanks for your support, Phas.”

***

Ren tugged at the collar of his shirt and tie as Hux sipped Champagne and rubbed up and down Ren’s thigh.

“I like you in suits, darling,” Hux said.

“They’re stiff,” Ren said.

“More stiff than cotton blend scarves and floor-length robes, yes,” Hux said.

Ren looked around the stretch limousine shuttle Hux had summoned to pick them up from the _Finalizer_. It was long and skinny with low ceilings, the wheels having folded up and wings emerging in their place once they’d departed the hangar.

“We could’ve just taken my shuttle,” Ren said, hunching over to keep his head from coming in contact with the ceiling of the limo.

“We can’t very well show up to _Chez Raw_ in your bulky shuttle,” Hux said, “The valet wouldn’t know how to park it. Or where.”

Ren sighed. “I really don’t know if I’ll find anything I like on the menu, babe.” Ren had looked up _Chez Raw_ on Yelp. Five stars, three dollar signs and snapshots of the rotating seasonal raw vegan menu. Yelp reviewers praised the executive chef’s discerning vegan palette, his whimsical take on traditional meat dishes, his inventive and daring culinary expertise, his bold-faced challenge of the meat-centric food industry.

“I really just have a taste for Mexican,” Ren said, “Could we go to Don Pablo’s instead?”

Hux cringed. “Do you know how many favors I had to call in to get us a table at _Chez Raw?_ They’re currently taking reservations for dinner dates four years from now.”

Ren shrugged as Hux’s hand made its way higher up Ren’s thigh. Ren chewed on his lip. “Do you like my tattoo?”

“Which tattoo?”

“The only tattoo I have.”

“Which would be?”

Ren rolled his eyes. “The one that portrays your personal seal of ownership.”

Hux just liked to hear him say it.

“Ah, yes. Of course,” Hux said, raising his Champagne, _“That one._ I love it. Why do you ask, darling?”

“Phasma doesn’t like it.”

“Well that’s because it’s not Phasma’s personal seal of ownership.”

“She said it was poorly-planned and ill-advised and short-sighted.”

Hux shrugged. “It is.”

Ren deflated.

“You have to be on your best behavior at this restaurant,” Hux said, drowning his Champagne in one gulp, “None of your childish antics or maniacal tendencies. At least for now.”

Ren nodded.

“You promise?”

Ren nodded.

“Very good. Finish your Champagne. We’re almost there.”

***

Once they arrived at _Chez Raw_ , Ren could understand why the wait-list was four years long. The restaurant only had three tables. They were shown in and seated at a table for two covered in eucalyptus leaves, with an unscented soy woodwick candle burning in the center. The waiter, a Twi’lek male named _Hunter_ with gauged ears brought their menus around, solid blocks of reclaimed wood with only six offerings etched in.

“We can only choose from six things?” Ren asked, squinting to read the faint engravings by candlelight. The restaurant had no overhead lights, just a few poorly placed Edison bulbs and woodwick candles crackling away.

“It’s a _prix fixe_ menu,” Hux explained.

“I don’t know what that is.”

“It means the chef has already determined the menu.”

Ren’s brow furrowed as he sat down the wood block, “Then why do they bring a menu?”

“So you know what you’re eating,” Hux said as the waiter wheeled up a cart of white wine. He went through the motions of pouring a sampling glass, which Hux tasted. Hux nodded, and Hunter poured them both glasses. Ren watched and then as soon as Hunter left, asked, “Did we order this?”

“It’s paired with the meal.”

“Oh. Can we order something else to drink, too?”

“No. This specific wine was paired with our meal by the Master Sommelier,” Hux said, an irritated bite to his tone, “And the first course will be around shortly, so drink it.”

Ren sipped at the wine, which he found to be rancid, until the first course was brought out. Ren eyed the plate, as a musician got into place to provide a soundtrack to their dinner service. He was an older gentleman, human, with a bassoon. He played a sad tune as Hux divvied up their first course.

Ren stared at the plate: A tiny, pristine square-shaped porcelain dish outfitted with what appeared to be two blades of grass, a dusting of dried herbs and a couple of drips of red sauce.

“What’s this?” he asked.

“It’s candied scutch grass with an organic _herbes de provence_ and paprika-infused vegan remoulade,” Hux answered, “It’s listed on the menu.”

Ren checked the menu. “Is this like the appetizer?”

“One of them, yes.”

“Ok,” Ren poked at it.

“Just try to expand your narrow culinary mind, would you?” Hux said, sensing his hesitance.

The bassoon player droned on behind them as Hux used a tiny fork to spear the glade of grass, dusted in _herbes_ and he dipped it in the sauce before tasting. His eyes closed in glee. Ren did the same, chewing on the grass and swallowing. Most of the fibers were left behind on his tongue.

“Good, right?” Hux asked.

Ren blinked. “I don’t --” he began to dispute, then thought better, “I’ve never had anything like it.”

Hux entered into a short dissertation on the origins of scutch grass and classic French remoulade while Ren pretended to listen and fantasized about cheese curds.

“What’s the next course?” Ren asked once Hux had even grown exhausted of hearing himself talk.

“All six-course meals consist of the same basic dishes,” Hux began, “Appetizer, soup, pasta, main course, salad and dessert.”

Ren nodded, wanting to ask why salad came after the main course, but biting his tongue instead. He could tell Hux was growing tired of fielding his fine dining questions.

Hunter brought around the soup next: A small cup of room temperature vegetable broth with a raw leek shavings floating on top, and a baby carrot on the side. The menu identified it as _soupe aux légumes minimaliste._

Ren tried it. Tasteless. Hux praised it and sipped his rancid wine. The next course, _Chez Raw’s_ interpretation of pasta, was an uncooked, egg-less pappardelle noodle served alongside a thimble-full of marinara sauce. Ren tasted it, but grew quieter with each miniscule dish. Hux rolled his eyes.

“What do you think?” Hux asked.

“It’s fine.”

“I knew you’d put up a fuss. I know it’s not your usual diet of chicken nuggets and curly fries, but could you give it a try?”

“I haven’t said anything,” Ren said as the waiter dropped off a tasting spoon filled with rare mineral water, meant to cleanse their palettes before the main course, “And I am giving it a try.” The bassoon player tapped out to let a woman with a large xylophone wheel in.

“So you don’t like it then,” Hux said.

“I didn’t say that.”

“So yo do you like it.”

“It’s fine,” Ren said with a shrug, “The soup was nice.”

Hux rolled his eyes thoroughly. “You are such a child.”

“I said it was nice.”

“And I know you don’t mean it.”

“What do you want to me to say, Hux?”

Hux pursed his lips and drank his wine as Hunter returned with their entree.

The main course was an entire rutabaga freshly yanked out of the earth -- roots, greens, dirt and all, served on a scrap of burlap. The salad course: A sprig of rosemary seasoned with the organic dirt of mushrooms. Dessert was a locally-sourced apple stem dusted in cinnamon sugar.

Hunter cleared the plates and brought around a complicated coffee drip system that looked like a drug intake apparatus. Ren started to pour himself a cup as Hux angrily signed the bill and finished their wine, “Don’t do that. We’re leaving.”

He was fuming, and Ren was starving, but they still had the Imperial Orchestra to suffer through. The limo picked them up on the curb.

“I thought for once you’d act like a grown up with functioning taste buds,” Hux said once they were inside the limo.

“What did I do?”

“You clearly didn’t enjoy dinner,” Hux said, “That was an award-winning six-course meal you just ate.”

“I didn’t say it was bad, I just --”

“You clearly can’t appreciate anything besides fried chicken parts.”

The rest of their limo ride was mostly silent -- aside from Ren’s stomach growling furiously. Their seats at the orchestra were good, but Ren was too hungry to enjoy it. The orchestra concert was a nearly four-hour long, self-indulgent medley of the Galactic Empire’s greatest hits including the _Imperial March_ and _Emperor's Throne Room_ along with a few original selections. By the time it was over, Ren’s mood had surpassed hangry.

They stood on the curb, arms crossed and waited on the limo.

“You’re unbelievable,” Hux muttered.

“What did I do?”

“You’re impossible to please,” Hux said, “An award-winning dinner at _Chez Raw_ and front row tickets at the Imperial Orchestra and you’re thoroughly unhappy.”

“Well you’ve been condescending and rude about the whole thing,” Ren said as their limo pulled up, “And I’m not unhappy. I’m just hungry.”

“Condescending?”

 _“Try to expand your narrow culinary mind,”_ Ren quoted as the driver held the door open.

“You’re arguing that your culinary mind isn’t narrow?”

“I’m not arguing anything,” Ren said as the driver shut the door behind them, “I’m just saying that you’ve been unkind about this whole date.”

“You ruined dinner!”

“I ate everything and didn’t complain. I just asked a few questions, and when I could tell you didn’t like that, I stopped.”

“At least I’ve made an effort to enjoy the awful dates you dragged me on. Twerking classes? A dance party? A skating rink?”

“But I was encouraging about it, Hux! I didn’t insult you the whole time! And if you didn’t want to do it I wouldn’t have forced you to.”

“So you’re saying I forced this on you?”

“I didn’t say that at all!”

The limo took off, gently rising through the sky and exiting the planet’s atmosphere.

“We clearly have different interests and I think part of making our relationship work is encouraging each other to try new things,” Ren said, “And not insulting the other’s tastes in the process.”

“You have no taste to insult.”

Ren glared at him. “You have no tolerance for understanding different viewpoints, do you?”

“Not when they’re childish viewpoints, no.”

Ren rolled his eyes, “I knew our dates weren’t something you’d normally do and I knew you were outside of your comfort zone, so I tried to be kind to do you. You could’ve at least done the same for me.”

Hux looked in the other direction. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore, Ren.”

***

When they got back to the _Finalizer,_ Ren didn’t even bother going up to Hux’s room.

“Thanks for dinner, General,” he muttered as they got out of the limo. He stalked off towards Phasma’s quarters, but stopped a few steps in, remembering the fight he’d had with Phasma earlier over the tattoo. He didn’t want to see her either. He headed for his own quarters instead.

He hadn’t been there in a while, the hinges creaking as he opened his door. He flipped on the lights and ordered food from the _Finalizer’s_ late night menu. He took off his suit, kicking the shirt and pants and jacket and tie into a corner before collapsing face-first into his bed.

It smelled like Eduardo. Ren sat up, ripped off the sheets, used his lightsaber to burn them in the bathtub, then put the rest of Eduardo’s shit in a box and burned that too: his cardigans, compression socks (he spent a lot of time on his feet in his line of work), eyeglasses, nebulizer, diary, underwear, pants, shirts, hats, mittens, hair ties and hand cream.

Ren let the remains of Eduardo’s belongings sizzle away in the bathtub as he sat on his bare mattress and began Googling tattoo removal services and lizards to adopt.

***

Hux blinked at his tablet and felt an unfamiliar feeling rise in his chest: _remorse._ Ren had spent all day posting to their Instagram account about how excited he was for their date. He’d posted photos of them from the skating rink birthday party with a slew of exclamatory captions. _It’s Hux’s turn to choose the date!! --_ and _So excited for my date with General Ginger!_ \-- and _Can’t wait to spend all evening with my perfect Hux!!!_ \-- and _I’m SO LUCKY to have my general.!_

“Fuck,” Hux muttered as he messaged Ren.

_Hux: Ren, where are you, love? Can we talk? I owe you an apology._

When that message went unanswered, Hux sent another fifteen minutes later. Then another. Then another. _Fine,_ he concluded, _If Ren is going to give me the silent treatment like a sulking toddler, then I don’t care to apologize to him._

Hux shut of his lights and laid down to sleep. Alone. Without Ren. Millicent purred in his ear, but he still couldn’t rest. He rolled over and over, smelling Ren everywhere on his sheets, unearthing a few of Ren’s hairs from the bedding and finding Ren’s retainer tucked under his pillow. Hux sat up and threw off the blankets, then put on his slippers.

***

Hux buzzed at Phasma’s door. “It’s Hux.”

“What do you want?”

“I need to talk to Ren.”

“Ok … he’s not with you?”

“No.”

“I thought you two had a date?”

“We did. It was terrible. He didn’t come to your place?”

“Hold on.”

Phasma came to the door looking rosy-cheeked and well-fucked.

“Mitaka’s here, I take it?” Hux asked.

“What did you do to Kylo?”

“Nothing.”

“Well where is he?”

“We had a fight.”

Phasma glared at him and crossed her arms.

Hux sighed. “I was terribly rude to him. I intend to apologize. He’s not here?”

“No,” Phasma sighed this time and shifted her weight, “He and I had a fight too.”

Hux blinked at her.

“Just a quick lover’s quarrel,” she said, “Over his tattoo.”

“Which tattoo?”

“The only one he has,” she said, narrowing her eyes at Hux.

“Where do you think he’s gone?”

Phasma uncrossed her arms. “He’s in his quarters. When he’s really sad and has no one to turn to, he sits in bed and watches _Titanic_ and eats french fries.”

***

Phasma and Hux found Ren in his quarters, sitting in bed and watching _Titanic_ and eating french fries. He hadn’t wanted to let them in, but Hux used his override code to get in anyways. Hux sniffed the air and looked around, realizing he hadn’t yet been in Ren’s quarters. The first thing he noticed: It smelled like something was burning.

The second thing he noticed: Ren’s quarters were a literal manifestation of hell on earth. Hux’s eye twitched as he looked around the space. Robes, pants, shirts, socks, boots and blankets were strewn across the floor. Stacks of old pizza boxes. Overflowing trash bins. Crushed up soda cans and empty gallon-sized bags of tootsie rolls.

Ren had piled up the few furnishings in a corner and had a tarp spread across the floor where he’d dumped dirt and grass, complete with an ostrich lawn ornament and a blow-up palm tree lying sadly in the middle. _A pasture?_

His small kitchenette had been gutted and replaced with an all-black kitchen, similar to what he had on his shuttle. The sink was full of crusted-over dishes and the refrigerator was littered with tacky tourist magnets from nearby planets and star systems. The only sitting area was a single chair, elaborate in its construction, and polished to shining-perfection, with a burned-up Darth Vader mask resting in the center of three perfectly positioned spotlights.

Next to the door, a large water bowl. Hux imagined Ren keeping some large breed of dog on board this explicitly _pet-free_ (Millicent excluded) ship, a Bull Mastiff or a Saint Bernard and naming it something ridiculous like _Mandarin_ or _Ophelia._

“I’m almost afraid to ask,” Hux said.

“About what?”

“About what the hell goes on in here.”

“You haven’t been here?”

Hux shook his head.

“He was raising a sheep.”

“Was?” Hux asked, “Did it manage to escape and opt to take its chances floating through space rather than to live here in squalor?”

“No. Eduardo took it back from him.”

“I’d have done the same,” Hux said, looking around at the heaps of trash, “These are no conditions to raise a sheep.”

When they entered the bedroom, Ren sat in the center of his bed, dressed only in underwear and scowling decidedly at them.

“Is something burning?” Hux asked.

“Get out,” Ren muttered, ignoring Hux’s question, “Both of you.”

Hux sighed, “I owe you an apology, love.”

“I do too,” Phasma said, “Where are your sheets, darling?”

“I don’t want to talk to either of you right now.”

“I understand that,” Hux said, approaching the mattress, “But I can’t sleep until I apologize to you.”

Ren chewed his fries and scooted further away. Phasma sat on the edge of the bed and crossed her legs underneath her.

“I’m sorry I blew up over the tattoo,” Phasma said. Kylo waited. Phasma had a tendency to follow her apologies with a _but_ clause.

“You’re not going to follow that with _but you were being impulsive_ or _but that tattoo is stupid?”_

“No,” Phasma said.

“But you want to,” Ren said.

“I didn’t say that.”

“You didn’t have to.”

Phasma sighed. “You know I want you to be happy with Hux--”

“But--” Ren interrupted.

“You have to let me finish.”

“You just told me a couple days ago that you don’t like me with Hux.”

Hux looked at her.

“I didn’t say that!” she said.

“You told me that you think I won’t be happy with Hux because he’s unstable.”

“That isn’t what I meant!”

“Then what did you mean?” Ren asked.

“I just meant that you’re kind of unstable sometimes and that--”

“That Hux and I are too unstable to be together.”

“I didn’t say that!” she yelled.

“I’m standing right here,” Hux reminded, raising a hand tentatively.

“Let’s talk later,” Ren said to Phasma.

Phasma grunted and stood, shaking the bed and knocking a french fry loose. “Fine,” she said.

Phasma stormed from the room and Hux watched her go. Ren rolled his eyes and sunk down into the bed and ate a french fry.

“She thinks I’m still in love with Eduardo.”

“Oh,” Hux said, sitting on the bed now with Ren.

Ren turned his attention back to _Titanic._

“Um -- are you?” Hux asked, “Still in love with him?”

“You came here to apologize?”

“Yes,” Hux said, holding Ren’s chin gently to turn his attention from the TV, “I’m sorry for how I treated you on our date. I was rude and unkind and condescending. You were very agreeable, even given the circumstances.”

Ren looked down as Hux held his face gently, stroking his cheek.

“I didn’t mean to insult you, love,” Hux said, “You’re wonderful and I’m undeservingly lucky to have you.”

Hux tilted Ren’s chin up so their eyes met again and ran a thumb over his lips.

“Your skin is so soft, darling,” Hux said. 

“I exfoliated this morning.”

Hux leaned in and kissed Ren’s hair.

“And you smell like lavender,” he added.

“I got a new essential oil from _Lush_ when me and Phas went to the mall last week.”

“Could I lay with you and sniff your neck?” Hux asked.

Ren rolled his eyes. “That’s a weird thing to ask someone, Hux.”

“Can I, though?”

Ren shrugged, but nodded. Hux snuggled down next to Ren and nosed at his neck, just beneath his ear where he’d rubbed the essential oil earlier. He ran a hand over Ren’s chest, a finger trailing over his nipple with every couple of passes.

“I’m lucky to have you too,” Ren said softly.

“I’m so sorry for how I talked to you and treated you on our date,” Hux said as he ran his fingers over Ren’s torso now, up and down the center line of his abs.

“You were really mean to me Hux,” he said, “You hurt my feelings.”

“I’m sorry, darling,” Hux said, “I’m not very good at being kind.”

Ren shrugged, but didn’t say anything.

Hux sighed. “Your parents are very kind. Is that where you learned it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Your mother and father gave me a key to their treehouse for my birthday. They told me to come hang out whenever I wanted to get away. Even if you couldn’t make it.”

“They did?”

Hux nodded. “They’re just so… kind,” he said, “And I know now that you got it from them. I  just… My father wasn’t so kind to me. He still isn’t.”

“He skated with me at the party. He seemed nice.”

“I know. I said he’s not kind _to me._ He can be nice to other people sometimes.”

Ren frowned.

“I’m trying to learn this whole kidness thing,” Hux said, “But it’s not easy for me. I’m sorry. I’ll make note of our dinner interaction and tag it as unkind behavior.”

“Why isn’t your father nice to you?” Ren asked.

Hux shrugged and kissed his jaw. “I’m going to dodge that question because you dodged mine earlier.”

“What question did I dodge?”

“About Eduardo.”

“Oh.”

Hux kissed his jaw again. In the background, Rose cried out for Jack while chaos ensued and the ship took on water.

“Will you stay with me tonight, Hux?” Ren asked.

“Of course I will, love.”

Hux ran his fingers over Ren’s chest again and yawned. “Do you have a toothbrush I can use?”

“I should have an extra in there. Unopened. In the top drawer.”

Hux kissed Ren’s shoulder before he slipped out of bed and headed towards the bathroom. He braced himself for whatever atrocities would may await him in _Kylo Ren’s_ bathroom. He flipped on the lights and found the source of the burning smell.

“Ren?”

“Yep?”

“There are sheets burning in here.”

“I know.”

“Do you always burn your sheets when you’re done with them? You can just have them _washed,_ you know. Laundry service is included in your residential benefits package. You don’t have to burn them up after each use.”

“In hindsight, that would’ve been wise,” Ren said.

“Why’d you burn them?” Hux asked as he rifled through the drawer.

“They smelled like Eduardo.”

“So you _burned them?”_ Hux asked, looking at the smoking ashes of the sheets, along with a box of other miscellaneous items, also smoking, “Along with his other belongings? You could’ve just summoned for an emergency garbage pickup.”

“Hindsight is 20/20,” Ren said.

Hux found the toothbrush in the top drawer. Aside from the smoldering sheets, Ren’s bathroom wasn’t bad. Lots of _Lush Handmade Cosmetics._ Plush towels. Positive messages written on the mirror in dry erase marker. A few reading materials affixed to the wall. Unsanitary, but Hux gave it a pass. He brushed his teeth using a gritty organic toothpaste then went back out to the bedroom.

Ren had discarded his underwear and was awaiting Hux in the center of his bed, stroking himself while the _Titanic_ sank in the background and Rose and Jack continuously cried out. Hux rolled his eyes.

“I suppose you want to have sex?” Hux asked.

“Sure looks like it.”

“It’s late, Ren.”

“It won’t take me long, General,” Ren said, “There’s lube in the top drawer, too. If you hurry, we can finish before the _Titanic_ sinks.”

Hux rolled his eyes, but fetched the lube, then began undressing while Ren watched closely.

“Stop that,” Hux said.

“Stop what?”

“Staring at me.”

“I can’t,” Ren said, shifting eagerly, “You’re perfect.”

Hux blushed a bit as he stepped out of his underwear and got into bed with Ren. Hux was already half-hard as Ren pushed him back and climbed on top of him, then bent Hux’s legs at the knee. Hux held his legs up as Ren bent to kiss him, working a finger into him while he did.

“Ren?” Hux said, squirming his hips down into Ren’s finger.

“Yes, General?”

“Maybe we should pick dates together from now on?”

Ren smiled and kissed Hux’s forehead. “That’s a good idea, General.”

Hux nodded as Ren added another finger. “What do you want to do next?”

“I like getting away from here,” Ren said, “Let’s go off-ship again?”

Hux nodded. “I really do like--” Hux began, pausing as Ren scissored his fingers inside of him, “Trying new things.”

“Like twerking?”

Hux rolled his eyes.

“Have you ever been to a poetry reading, General?”

“A poetry reading?”

Ren nodded and added a third finger.

“No?”

“Want to go to one? There’s a poet I like from the Outer Rim who’s coming to Rakata Prime next week.”

“What is it? Do people just sit around and collectively read poetry?”

Ren chuckled and kissed Hux, then slowly pulled out his fingers. He lubed his cock.

“No, babe. The poet reads his or her work to an audience.”

“Can’t the audience read it themselves?”

“It’s like a performance,” Ren said as he rimmed Hux’s hole with his head.

“A poetry performance?”

“A poetry _reading,”_ Ren said and pushed into Hux slowly.

Hux let out a soft moan and squirmed again. “I don’t care so much what we do,” he said, “Just so long as we’re together.”

Ren smiled, “General?”

“Yeah?” Hux asked as Ren entered him fully then slowly pulled back out.

“You can make note of what you just said,” Ren kissed Hux’s belly button, “And tag it as a kind.”

Hux smiled while behind them on the TV, Rose and Jack kept up their tireless cries for one another amidst the cries of others and the droning of the band. Hux lowered his hips further toward Ren and drew his knees up to his chest, exposing himself completely for Ren.

“Fuck me hard, please, Ren.”

Ren’s cock twitched. “Sure thing, General.”

Ren started out at a rigorous clip, still pacing himself to finish strong though. Hux’s eyes met Ren’s and Ren slowed enough to bend over and kiss him, then picked up the pace again. Hux’s eyes remained fixated on Ren. He’d look away only to scan up and down his body, but then his eyes always returned to meet Ren’s gaze.

“Are you alright, babe?” Ren asked.

Hux nodded.

“You don’t normally stare at me so much.”

“I know,” Hux said, his gaze unblinking, “I -- I can’t look away from you.”

“Yeah?” Ren asked, fucking Hux at a different angle and then interlacing their fingers above his head.

Hux nodded. “You’re too beautiful, Ren.”

Ren let go of Hux’s hand and thumbed at his lips. Hux parted his lips and sucked first on Ren’s thumb, then on each subsequent finger Ren added. Ren increased his pace and intensity gradually as Hux looked Ren directly in his eyes and sucked his fingers. Ren removed his fingers, his thumb trailing Hux’s lips lightly. He slid an arm under Hux’s waist, lifting his back from the bed and drilled into him.

“Harder,” Hux breathed.

Ren laid Hux back down, then rested his weight on his fists on either side of Hux, bending over him and fucking him harder and deeper. Hux gasped, meeting Ren’s eyes again, hardly even bothering to blink. Ren pounded into Hux at an aggressive pace, his abs and back flexing, sweat starting to glisten on his chest.

“Harder?” Hux said after a few more moments. Ren smiled and sat back up, never breaking eye contact and resting Hux’s legs over his shoulders. He took Hux rather mercilessly, and Hux, not one to moan too early on lest his partner become complacent, moaned now.

Beneath them, Ren’s IKEA bed, having been poorly constructed in the first place, creaked desperately with each thrust, the headboard banging against the wall, faster and harder, as Ren increased his pace.

“Fuck me harder, Ren,” Hux said. Ren gripped Hux’s thighs and fucked him harder.

“Do you not want to be able to walk tomorrow, General?” Ren asked, sweat gathering on his brow, with Rose weeping loudly in the background while the band played triumphantly.

“I’ll walk just fine,” Hux breathed, sweat on his brow too.

“Don’t you have to take the Corellia CFO on a tour?”

Hux rolled his eyes.

“Or do you plan to cancel? Tell him you’re too fucked out to rightly move?”

“Please re-route your energy from talking to fucking.”

Ren thrusted hard, fast and deep into Hux three more times before pulling out and flipping him over quickly. “Come here, General,” he said.

Ren stood and pulled Hux to the foot of the bed. “All fours,” Ren said, stroking himself. Behind them, the band drowned with the ship.

Hux obeyed, taking position on hands and knees.

“Elbows,” Ren said, swatting at Hux’s ass lightly with a hand.

“Did you just slap my ass, Ren?”

“What?” Ren asked, swatting at Hux again on the other side, “No. Why?”

Hux turned to smirk at him. Ren leaned over, kissing Hux’s back, then biting his shoulder gently.

“Elbows, General.”

Hux sunk to his elbows, his cock low and heavy and dripping between his legs.

“Do you like that, babe? When I slap your ass until you do as I say?” Ren asked gripping Hux’s ass now with both hands and spreading him open.

“Very much,” Hux said, peering down at Ren between his legs. Ren entered Hux without warning, swatting at his ass a few more times before settling into a punishing pace. The bed rattled beneath them.

“Do you like your bed to make so much noise?” Hux asked between his grunts, “You can tighten it up you know.”

Ren nodded. “I was written up last quarter for _Excessive Domestic Noise_ and _Domestic Noise Disturbance,_ redundant charges if you ask me, and told to repair my bed.”

“And did you?”

“Does it sound like it?” Ren grunted. The bed creaked defiantly under them as Ren reached down to stroke Hux.

“If you get written up again you could have to go sit before the disciplinary review board,” Hux said, “And I want to finish on your face, please.”

“Good,” Ren said as he gripped Hux’s waist now with both hands and fucked into him harder, “You can join me and I can tell them...”

Ren stopped to grunt for dramatic effect.

“That the excessive noise is a direct result...”

Again, Ren stopped to grunt.

“Of the general begging …”

Hux moaned this time as Ren pounded into him.

“To be fucked harder…”

The bed, if it could surrender, would wave the white flag now.

“And faster…”

Rose wailed behind them.

“And deeper.”

Ren finished inside of Hux.

 _“Fuck,”_ Hux breathed desperately into the sheetless mattress. “God, Ren. I’m so -- _Fuck, I’m so hard.”_ Hux said it like it was life-threatening emergency, warranting a 911 call.

Behind him, Ren sunk to his knees. “Whenever you’re ready, General.”

Hux had never quite been more ready. He turned, stroked himself exactly once, then came all over Ren in textbook spurts, leaving ribbons over Ren’s lips, nose and eyelids while Rose wept and begged for access to a life raft.

Ren wiped enough of Hux’s come from his face to be able to open his eyes.

“Was that hard enough for you, General?”

“Quite,” Hux breathed, collapsing back onto the bed with arms splayed out like a T. Ren washed his face then came back with a patchwork quilt and an extra pillow. Hux had curled up in the center of the mattress, looking cold and destitute like an unwanted refugee.

Ren turned down the  lights and got into bed, draping the quilt over them and placing a pillow beneath Hux’s bed. He held Hux close, kissing his hair and breathing evenly. Hux turned and held Ren too, an arm draped over his chest.

“What’s with the quilt?” Hux asked, looking down at it.

“My Uncle Chewbacca made it for me.”

“He’s into quilting?”

“Quite.”

“Did you order new sheets from room service?” Hux asked into Ren’s chest.

Ren shook his head, “I can’t sleep on _Finalizer_ sheets. I need a 600-thread count minimum or I get a rash.”

“You’re allergic to low thread count sheets?”

Ren nodded. “My dermatologist said so.”

They laid there, watching the end of _Titanic,_ which had quieted in its volume since most of its passengers were now dead. Rose was drifting on the wood, her hand clasped in Jack’s as he slowly froze to death and dawn broke over the ocean.

Hux felt his eyes slowly drift open and shut and heard Ren’s heart beating his chest, slow and rhythmic, warm and soft.

“Hux?”

“Hm?” Hux murmured.

Ren kissed his hair a couple times before he spoke. “I love you,” he said softly.

Hux’s eyes snapped open. He craned his neck to look up at Ren.

“You do?”

Ren nodded. “A lot,” he said.

Hux felt his gut wrench. He blinked. He tried to ignore the tears welling in his eyes. He blamed it on _Titanic._ He buried his head in Ren’s to hide the offending tears.

“I haven’t,” Hux began, “I don’t know … I don’t know when I was last told that.”

“You can’t remember?”

Hux shook his head, a tear breaking free. Ren squeezed Hux and used his thumb to wipe the tear away, Hux not knowing how he’d even seen it in the first place. Ren tilted Hux’s chin up.

“Do you think I’d let you come on my face if I didn’t love you?” Ren asked, trying to keep his expression somber, but a smirk manifesting on his lips anyways.

Hux smiled, another tear breaking free.

“I love you, General Brendol Hux,” Ren said, “And you have me now. And I’m going to tell you every single day.”

Hux nodded. “I -- I love you too, Ren.”

“You know … you can call me, Kylo, babe.”

Hux nodded. _Kylo._ He never used Ren’s first name _._

As Rose, surrounded by deceased passengers, finally let go of Jack’s sad, dead, frozen corpse and blew desperately on the whistle to get herself the hell out of the ocean, Hux looked up at Ren and tried it on for size, “I love you, Kylo.”

_In the next installment: The Corellia CFO pays the Finalizer a visit, Ren and Phasma find something else to bicker about when Mitaka shows them his new ink, Ren and Hux are honorably discharged from a poetry reading and Ren meets a few local lizards who are up for adoption._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to make you all wait so long for an update! I was on vacation, then I was sick, then I got mixed up in DarkPilot (my not-crack otp). 
> 
> Anyways, What was supposed to be a quick and dirty bedtime apology blowjob turned into several pages of smut that I hadn’t budgeted for in my outline. As a result, several key plot points have been moved to chapter five. 
> 
> I’m on tumblr now at [its-the-neon-bible](http://its-the-neon-bible.tumblr.com/). My previous account ([a-sweater-poorly-knit](http://a-sweater-poorly-knit.tumblr.com/)) experienced administrative complications and couldn’t be redeemed. It’s still live, but won’t be updated much longer.


	5. So I'll Take My Chances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Following the disastrous weaponry summit on Corellia, marked mainly by destruction and sex, Ren and Hux enter into a six-week evil space boyfriend trial membership period where they take turns choosing dates and boinking each other. Ren takes Hux to a dance club and teaches him to twerk. Hux takes Ren to a raw vegan restaurant and to see the Imperial Orchestra. Millicent likes Ren more than Hux, Phasma mostly ships it while also being pursued by a secret admirer, Ren puts down a deposit for a treehouse on Endor, and the pair attend the Starkiller Base inaugural gala together, wherein a small moon is blown up and Ren wears a ball gown. Meanwhile, the Corellian government sues the First Order for property damage and gross misconduct related to the weaponry summit, while also sticking them with the $16 billion repair bill.
> 
> CHAPTER SUMMARY: Hux gives a poorly-received State of the First Order address, and Corellia's CFO, to his own misfortune, pays the Finalizer a visit. Ren is honorably discharged from a poetry reading, but later approved for his lizard adoption.

Hux woke up first the next morning, held snugly in Ren’s arms and his nose nuzzled in Ren’s neck. The quilt was crumpled around their legs. Ren always kicked off his blankets and sheets when he got too hot in the middle of the night, but he never let go of Hux. Hux listened to Ren’s breath and watched the rise and fall of his chest.

He thought about last night. About their words. _I love you._ Hux couldn’t ever remember really, truly loving anyone but Millicent. His parents were largely absent, he had no siblings, he wasn’t good at making friends and his exes were transitory. He’d felt warm and safe last night when he’d told Ren he loved him, but now he felt panic. He _loved_ someone. What if he wasn’t good at loving? What if he loved too much? Or too little? What if Ren hurt him? Or he hurt Ren?

Hux squeezed Ren and figured that perhaps being in love was supposed to be scary. The best things in life weren’t always comfortable, he reminded himself and he’d long ago given up living life in his comfort zone. After disorder, complacency was his ultimate hell.

Whenever Hux considered his future, it had little to do with people and everything to do with accomplishments and status. But, for the first time he could remember, he wasn’t too much interested in what the future held outside of the certainty that Ren would be a part of it.

***

Ren had woken up about twenty minutes after Hux had finished his morning reflections on life and love. He stirred, then sighed. He kicked off the quilt entirely.

“Good morning, love,” Hux said and kissed the side of his neck.

“Good morning,” Ren said, yawning and squeezing Hux’s shoulders then rolling over to face him. He gave Hux a quick kiss on the lips.

Hux looked at him. He’d pulled his hair up before bed because he said it was too hot on his neck while he tried to sleep, and now it was a mess on top of his head. He had a little crust in the corner of one eye and his lips still tasted like salt from the french fries. Ren eyed him curiously.

“What?” he asked.

“Nothing,” Hux said.

Ren kissed him again. “Do you want coffee?”

***

Hux stayed in bed and watched _Good Morning, America_ , which he typically found insufferable, but which he liked quite a lot with Ren offering his thoughts and commentary in the background. Ren had gotten up to make coffee, and had come back with a french press and two mugs. He’d also called in for a box of donuts to be sent up. He’d snuggled back up into bed with Hux and poured their coffee, pulling the quilt up around their waists and Hux curling up into Ren’s side with his mug.

“Ren?”

“Hm?”

“I don’t want to get out of bed today.”

Ren looked down at him. “I thought you were excited about giving the State of the First Order address?”

“I was,” Hux said, and sighed, “But I just -- now I’d rather lay here with you and watch daytime talk shows.”

Ren kissed Hux’s hair. “When my treehouse is done, we can take a vacation and lay around in bed all day,” he said and ruffled Hux’s hair, “How does that sound?”

Hux nodded. “I’d like that.”

Ren kissed Hux’s hair again.

“Good,” he said, his lips still pressed into Hux’s hair, “I love you so much, Hux.”

Hux looked up to meet Ren’s eyes. “I love you too, Kylo.”

***

Hux reviewed his cue cards as the _Finalizer’s_ hair and makeup staff dusted foundation onto his cheeks and combed his hair into place. He was preparing to give the State of the First Order address in order to talk about recent budgetary issues in the wake of the weaponry summit. He also planned to announce the visitation of Corellian government’s Chief Financial Officer, who was coming to meet with Hux after the broadcast wrapped to discuss the repair invoice and lawsuit.

Per regulation, Phasma and Ren were to stand on Hux’s left and right, respectively, for the duration of the State of the First Order address. In the makeup chair to his right, Ren was insisting the stylists curl his hair, apply a touch of foundation, and do _just like a_ _light smoky eye._ Phasma was sitting in a robe on Hux’s left, her hair set in rollers while her entire suit was polished head to toe.

“You know you’ll both beneath your helmets,” Hux said, “The entire time.”

Ren ignored Hux and looked over the eyeshadow color palette. “Do you have like a _charcoal grey,_ ” he asked, turning up his nose at the selection of hundreds of shades before him, “Charcoal brings out the green in my eyes.”

“General, could you tell Kylo to stop being a diva?” Phasma said.

“General, could you tell Phasma that no one uses the word _diva_ anymore?”

Hux rolled his eyes, but didn’t look up from his cue cards. “Please don’t involve me in this.”

The makeup artist returned with a charcoal grey eyeshadow, but Ren said it was too dark. He sent her away.

“Charcoal isn’t even your color, Kylo,” Phasma said, crossing her arms and angling her body in the opposite direction.

“It is too. I look great in grey hues.”

Ren and Phasma had yet to resolve their tattoo disagreement, so they’d taken to fighting over _everything._

“Could you two _please_ stop it?” Hux said, “This has gone on long enough. The tattoo isn’t coming off, Phasma. You’ll have to get used to it.”

“I’m sure you love that don’t you, General?” Phasma asked.

“We cannot argue about this trifling tattoo right now,” Hux said, “We can talk about it later, but for now, you both need to be on your best behavior for the CFO’s visit.”

 _“Trifling?”_ Phasma said.

Ren yawned.

“If we’re to get any sort of pardon on our invoice, we have to impress him today,” Hux said.

The makeup artist returned with another charcoal grey shadow, but Ren said it was too light.

“I can’t have you two bickering at each other while I try to demonstrate that the First Order is a well-functioning, capable and much needed power in the universe,” Hux continued, looking for any indication that they were hearing him.

“When do I deliver my lines?” Ren asked as the nail technician trimmed his cuticles, then applied a dark grey polish.

“You have no lines to deliver,” Hux said.

“Snoke gave me a few lines,” Ren said, digging a note from his pocket with his other hand and giving it to Hux.

Hux eyed it curiously. Scribbled on the paper were a few of Darth Vader’s most infamous quotes.

“This isn’t Snoke’s handwriting,” Hux said.

“Yes, it is.”

“Snoke only writes in cursive.”

“He said I had to say those words.”

“Snoke wants you to recite these tired Darth Vader quotes?”

On Hux’s left, Phasma scoffed. “When are you going to _get over_ Vader?” she said to Ren. He ignored her.

“Kylo, you _can’t_ say these, darling,” Hux said.

“But I never get to say anything!”

“We can write you into the next address, ok?” Hux said, “But you can’t say these lines today, love.”

The production manager popped in to let them know they had five minutes left.

“My nails!” Ren cried, “They’re still wet!” He blew on them desperately.

“Ren,” Hux said, turning to face him now, “Did you hear me, love? No Vader quotes.”

***

Hux, Ren and Phasma arrived at the broadcasting studio 15 minutes after the address was supposed to have started. Ren had fussed over his hair and makeup, only to put a helmet on his head once they’d fixed it to his liking. Phasma had complained her suit wasn’t shiny enough, and had ordered another head-to-toe polishing.

They stood in front of the camera now trying to get into position, the studio lights reflecting impossibly bright from Phasma’s suit and Ren asking if he could introduce Hux _._   

By the time they got going, the address was thirty minutes late starting. Hux launched in as the teleprompter displayed words on the screen before him.

“Supreme Leader Snoke, Lord Ren, Captain Phasma, officers of the First Order, my fellow countrymen.”

Ren, already bored, sighed in his helmet.

“This day marks the third year that I’ve come here to report on the State of the First Order. I will try to keep my remarks brief, as I know we are all eager to attend to our daily roles and responsibilities.”

“Several weeks ago, the First Order nearly brought a city to ruin. These unwarranted and irresponsible actions have resulted in a costly infrastructure repair invoice from the Corellian government, in addition to a lawsuit to cover the irreparable emotional harm caused to the citizens of Corellia.”

“While this is a setback, it will not deter the First Order, nor will it deter our dedication to completing _Starkiller Base,_ the largest weapon ever constructed in the history of our galaxy.”

The production crew played an applause track.

“As I address this chamber today,” Hux said to the nearly empty room, “I will outline a course of action that will repair our relations with the Corellian government and set the First Order on the path to becoming the ultimate power in the universe.”

***

Three hours later, Hux finished his address. The viewership rates had been disappointing, to say the least, and had only decreased the longer the address went on.

“You should’ve let me deliver the Vader quotes,” Ren said afterwards, as they waited in the hangar for the CFO’s ship to arrive, “Vader had a flare for theatrics.”

“Not here, Ren,” Hux said and looked around. All available stormtroopers and officers had been ordered to stand at attention for the arrival of the CFO.

“Vader was dull,” Phasma said.

“He had an honorary degree in theater performance, _Phas,”_ Ren said.

“Bullshit,” Phasma said.

“He did, actually,” Hux said, shaking his head, “Unbelievable as it may be.”

Ren shifted his weight. They’d been waiting for the CFO for nearly a half hour. The stormtroopers were beginning to slouch.

“He’s late!” Ren said.

Hux checked his watch. “Captain Phasma, could you get in touch with his secretary and be sure he’s en route?”

***

The CFO had been an hour late arriving because his ship had gotten caught in traffic trying to exit Corellia’s atmosphere. With their infrastructure and operations still disabled, flight patterns were largely unregulated, causing major delays and airspace backups for travelers.

Since he was late, they’d started in on the tour straightaway, skipping the introductions, red carpet photos, exchange of pleasantries and the cake and punch reception.

The CFO, Bernard McGee, CPA, had not only arrived late, but had had the nerve to do so in a cheap, ill-fitting, three-piece suit. Additionally, he looked like Regis Philbin. Hux didn’t like him at all.

“Welcome aboard the First Order flagship, the _Finalizer_ ,” Hux said as he led them out the hangar and the stormtroopers turned in unison, “This Resurgent-class Star Destroyer, measuring 2915.81 metres in length, is nearly twice the size of the Imperial-era destroyers that came before it.”

Bernard snapped a photo with his phone.

“Between this vessel, and its sister unit, _Starkiller Base,_ we have a full legion of stormtroopers ready to mobilize at any given moment,” Hux said, “Captain Phasma oversees our stormtroopers directly, with assistance from Lord Ren.”

“Actually,” Ren said, “I outrank Phasma. So, technically, _I_ oversee our stormtroopers with assistance from her.”

“Actually,” Phasma cut in, “You are _not_ technically First Order so your so-called _rank_ here is completely irrelevant.”

Ren and Phasma, who had withstood each other all morning, were beginning to crumble.

Bernard turned to look at them.  

“Sorry, Mr. McGee,” Hux said, “They’re having a bit of a lover’s quarrel right now and --”

“Your two highest ranking officers are lovers?” Bernard asked.

“No -- no,” Hux said, shaking his head, “Sorry. They’re not _lovers_.”

“You just said they were?” Bernard said.

“We’re just friends. Kylo and Hux are lovers, though,” Phasma said, “Show him your tattoo, Kylo.”

“Excuse me?” Bernard said, “General, you’re in a relationship with your commanding officer, who is apparently not even a member of this organization?”

“Yep,” Phasma responded, “And Kylo has just gotten Hux’s ownership seal tattooed on his crotch.”

Hux stared daggers at Phasma.

“It is _not_ on my crotch,” Ren said.

Hux stared daggers at Ren.

“Then what would you call the area beneath your underwear?” Phasma asked.

“They’re only joking, Mr. McGee,” Hux said, “Please, if you’ll follow me, we’ll begin our tour of the recreational, residential and command center wings.”

***

“What’s your operating cost on a ship like this?” Bernard asked as he looked around. They’d stopped off at a vending machine so Ren could get a snack. He’d complained that his _blood_   _sugar was getting low_ since they’d missed out on the cake and punch. Hux was grateful for the break and took the opportunity to regroup and gather his thoughts. Just thirty minutes into the tour and they’d already disclosed that Ren was not even a sanctioned member of the organization that ruined Corellia, _and_ disclosed that he and Ren were involved in a romantic relationship, _and_ had discussed Ren’s crotch.

“I will share a detailed budget read-out at the conclusion of this tour,” Hux said.

“Seems to me like you could’ve saved a good deal of money having just stuck with the base model Star Destroyer,” Bernard said, “I mean, do you really need all this space?”

“He has a point,” Ren said as he rejoined the group, having removed his helmet. He munched on a Snickers after tearing off a piece for Phasma to snack on too.

Hux glared at Ren. “Mr. McGee, as you will see throughout the tour, we have made the greatest and most efficient use of the space on this starcraft.”

***

They overlooked the Olympic regulation-sized lap pool as Hux showed them around the second floor of the employee fitness center and Ren smacked on the candy bar behind them.

Hux showed Bernard the duckpin bowling alley next, followed by the historically accurate 15th century French billiards hall.

“Where do your _people_ live?” Bernard asked, “Or work, for that matter?”

“We’ll tour the residential wing last, after we’ve completed the recreational and administrative wings.”

***

The administrative staff was away at a paid, two-day departmental retreat, so the cubicles sat empty, phones ringing with no one to answer and all the lights and computers left on.

The employee break room had a massage table and a therapeutic coal walking pit.

Before they made it to the residential wing, they passed the eight screen movie theater, full-service spa and bird sanctuary.

“It seems that quite a lot of money could be saved by just trimming expenses here, General,” Bernard said.

Phasma and Ren, after having shared the Snickers bar, were on better terms. They linked arms now, falling behind the tour and catching up on the few days since they’d last spoken. Ren still had his helmet tucked under his arm.

“We take pride in the few luxuries of this ship,” Hux said.

“Few?” Bernard asked, “General, with all due respect, you have a massage therapist and ornithologist on staff. It seems that your spending here is irresponsible and unnecessary.”

***

They waited their turn in line for the therapeutic hot coal walking pit and Bernard shook his head as he looked over the detailed budget read-out and and filled out his exit survey.

“General, Captain Phasma, Lord Ren,” he said, turning to face them, “I’m afraid I can’t offer you any pardons on the invoice or lawsuit. Not when your spending here is so extravagant -- and when your leadership and personnel management practices are so reprehensible.”

“Reprehensible?” Hux asked.

“Your captain and commander are in a romantic relationship.”

“We’re really not together, Mr. McGee,” Phasma said as the line moved ahead and they went through the turnstile.

“We’re just friends,” Ren said, “She’s dating Mitaka.”

 _“Lieutenant_ Dopheld Mitaka?” Bernard asked, “Another senior officer is involved in this?”

“And Kylo is dating Hux,” Phasma said.

Hux pinched the bridge of his nose.

“General, are you in a relationship with Lord Ren or aren’t you?” Bernard asked Hux.

Hux sighed. “I suppose I am.”

“We’re in love!” Ren said as the line moved ahead again. It was almost their turn.

Bernard shook his head. “General, I can’t waive any of these fees. This organization is not sound, the leadership is unstable, the spending is astronomical and the four highest-ranking members are all in committed relationships with one another.”

“I wouldn’t say Mitaka and I are committed,” Phasma said, raising her hand slightly.

Bernard glared as Hux, Ren and Phasma stood in shame and silence. The line moved ahead again. Ren spoke first.

“At least do the therapeutic coal walk before you go?”

“That’s unwise,” Bernard said.

“It calms the heart and mind while bringing awareness to the body,” Ren explained, “Just take it slow, but not too slow. Go sort of fast, but not like, _really fast.”_

“I really don’t think so, Lord Ren,” Bernard said, “But thank you for the offer.”

Ren huffed. “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

***

Ren brought their bucket of beer to the table and sat down across from Hux.

Hux rolled his eyes, “What on earth is that, Ren?” he asked.

Ren dug into the bucket, sloshing ice around and spilling it over the edge. Hux wiped it away.

“Beer buckets are on special tonight!”

“How many are in there?”

“Only eight,” Ren said, “And we get free koozies!”

“Darling,” Hux said as Ren put a beer in a Sam Adams koozy and gave it to him, “I really don’t want to drink four beers.”

“It’s ok! I’ll drink whatever you don’t want.”

Ren got a beer for himself and twisted off the cap. “Want me to get yours?”

“No,” Hux said with a sigh as he twisted the cap, “I’ve got it.”

The reading Ren had wanted to go to was taking place at a bar on Coruscant. The place was outfitted with scholarly types in tweed, for whom Hux had no patience today.

“Cheer up, babe,” Ren said, “The tour wasn’t that bad.”

Hux sighed and sipped his beer. “It was bad, Kylo.”

The therapeutic coal walk had, not surprisingly, gone awry. Bernard had panicked and lost his balance just a few steps in. While they’d loaded Bernard into the ambulance, the medics had assured Hux that _some_ of the second-degree burns _probably_ wouldn’t cause _permanent_ damage.

Ren shrugged. “So, we didn’t get a discount,” he said, “That’s ok.”

“We also burned the CFO.”

Ren shrugged. “I told him not to go too fast.”

“Where are we going to get $16 billion?” Hux asked no one in particular.

Ren shrugged and sipped his beer. “Maybe we could cut some of our internal operating expenses like Mr. McGee suggested.”

Hux sighed. “I suppose I’ll have to talk with accounting when they’re back from their retreat,” he said, “The bird sanctuary is nearly 3 million in upkeep per payroll period.”

The author took to the stage now, looking like a cross between a Coachella attendee and a disillusioned mind reader. Hux rolled his eyes. The lights dimmed.

“Did you read any of the selected works I sent you?” Ren whispered not quietly.

“No, I haven’t had time, darling,” Hux said.

“Babe!” Ren said, “You’re not going to understand the larger context of her work!”

Hux shushed him as the author adjusted the microphone.

“At least read through her artist statement on the program.”

Hux opened the program and read it for a few seconds, as far as _sound and_ _energy healing,_ then shut it. When he looked up, a bongo was being rolled into place.

***

The author introduced herself as _Magnolia Thunderbird_ , and began by asking all listeners to close their eyes and follow her on a visualization journey. She read from a short body of work she’d recently published about home and ancestry.

She beat on the drum while she read about walking down a path in a dark forest, passing trees of all shapes and sizes, to arrive at a clearing and find ancestors, loved ones, healers and baby animals encircling a bonfire. She spoke emphatically, in rhythm with the drum, and asked listeners to join their circle and to imagine the reactions of their ancestors.

Hux, eyes closed, longed for the twerking class or the dance party. Anything but this. On the stage, Magnolia had ceased talking and was now just beating the drum at an increasingly quick clip. She stopped suddenly, the room submerged in silence.

They sat there, in total silence, for nearly _three_ minutes. Just when Hux thought it couldn't get any worse, he heard a choked sob.

_Ren._

He opened his eyes and looked at Ren. He was slouched over the table, crying into his bucket of beer.

“Ren!” Hux whispered. Ren wailed.

Hux stood now, then knelt in front of him. “Ren?” Hux whispered, “Darling? What’s wrong?”

***

Ren laid down, his head resting in Hux’s lap, as they flew home. Hux stroked his hair and bent to kiss him.

“Are you alright?” Hux asked again. Ren had become inconsolable at the poetry reading. After four minutes of audible sobbing, they’d been asked to leave. But, the bartender had let them take the beer bucket with them.

“I’m ok,” Ren said with a sniffle.

Hux bent again and kissed his hair, placing several kisses there. He’d seen Ren get upset, angry, livid, furious -- but he’d never seen Ren _sad._ He hated it. Ren hiccuped.

“What happened, love?” Hux asked softly.

“I saw my dad and mom,” Ren sniffled, then hiccuped again, “In my vision. And they looked disappointed.”

“They aren’t disappointed in you,” Hux said, “They love you, darling. They love you more than anything. I can see that, and I haven’t even known them long.”

“I know they love me,” Ren said, “But that doesn’t mean they aren’t disappointed in me.”

Hux ran his fingers through Ren’s hair.

“Grandpa Vader wasn’t even there,,” Ren added, “In my vision. He didn’t even show up.”

“Kylo, love, I think you’re reading too much into this,” Hux said, “It was just an exercise.”

“No, it wasn’t. It was a lot more for me. I felt something, Hux,” Ren said, “Something bad is going to happen.”

***

They stayed at Hux’s place that night. Millicent, having sensed Ren was upset, ran around uncharastically and played with her dozens of unused toys for a while, just to make Ren laugh, then settled in his lap and groomed herself when she was done with the charade.

Hux hadn’t strayed from Ren’s side since the reading. He was sitting in bed next to Ren, again curled up into his side.

“Did you see me in your vision?” Hux asked as he ran his fingers across Ren’s stomach.

Ren yawned and nodded, “You were there. You smiled at me. You held my hand.”

Hux smiled, proud of _vision Hux_ for having displayed acts of kindness. Ren turned to Hux and kissed him.

“We’re still in our trial relationship, you know,” Ren said with a smirk.

“I know.”

“Do you think we’ll make it past the six weeks?”

“I think so, darling,” Hux said, sitting up and kissing Ren. They kissed again, deeper and longer this time. They kissed for long enough that Millicent became uncomfortable and jumped from Ren’s lap, voicing her discontent with a gruff meow as she did.

Hux climbed into Ren’s lap and sat down gently, straddling him, his knees pointing down into the bed. Ren hiked up his knees and kissed Hux back as Ren’s fingers found their way to Hux’s hair.

Lately, they had a tendency to lose track of time when they were kissing each other. A few kisses would turn into a few minutes, a few minutes would turn into a half hour and a half hour would turn into an hour, or however long it took for their lips to become swollen enough that they needed a break, or a drink of water.

They kissed each other that way now, taking their time and enjoying the moments like this they had together.

“Hux?” Ren eventually said, pulling away with slightly swollen lips.

“Yes, love?”

“Would you fuck me, please?” Ren asked, “Gently? Just …  I don’t know? Like, softly?”

Hux smiled, “Yes,” he said, kissing Ren’s nose, “Yes, of course I will, love.”

Hux held Ren’s face in his hands carefully, kissing him a little while longer before breaking the kiss to get lube from his bedside drawer. He found the lube, then slowly pulled Ren’s underwear off. He kissed his way back up Ren’s legs, pausing at his hardening cock to kiss him there too. Ren spread his legs for Hux and sunk his hips down.

“I’m proud of you for not using many Vader quotes today, love,” Hux said as he gently worked a lubed finger into Ren and looked up at his face to watch his expression change. Ren relaxed into Hux’s touch, his cock standing up gradually and his breath becoming comfortably uneven as Hux touched him.

“But you promised to write me into the next speech,” Ren said, “That was the deal.”

“I know,” Hux nodded and kissed Ren just below his belly button, “And I will, love.”

Hux, having never been one to particularly _enjoy_ preparing partners for anal sex, enjoyed it very much now with Ren squirming underneath him and making sweet little noises. Hux kissed Ren’s belly button, then kissed his tattoo. He added another finger.

“You feel so good, darling,” Hux murmured into Ren’s skin, kissing Ren’s tattoo again.

Ren moaned a bit. “Mmm, Phas isn’t mad about the tattoo anymore.”

“After all of the fuss?” Hux said with a smirk, lifting his eyes to meet Ren’s, “She’s over it just like that?”

“Mitaka got Phas’s face tattooed on his entire back,” Ren said, “So she’s more focused on that.”

Hux rolled his eyes and kissed Ren’s stomach again. They were quiet for a while, until Hux spoke.

“You know your parents aren’t disappointed in you,” Hux said.

“Babe? Can we not talk about my parents while you’re fingering me?”

“Sorry, love,” Hux said, “I’ll stop. But only if you promise to call them tomorrow? Or go see them soon?”

Ren nodded and Hux removed his fingers and  lubed his cock.

“Speaking of tomorrow,” Ren said, scooting his hips down toward Hux, “Will you come meet lizards with me?”

Hux pulled Ren’s hips closer to him and aligned himself with his entrance. _“Meet lizards?”_

Ren nodded, squirming more as Hux entered him. “Yeah, to adopt.”

Hux pushed in slowly. “Why do you have to meet them first? Can’t you just choose one on the internet and have it shipped here?”

“What if it’s not a good match?” Ren asked, “Lizards have personalities too.”

Hux, once he was all the way in, pulled back out and set into an easy pace. He laced his fingers with Ren’s above his head and then kissed his cheek as he fucked him.

Ren moaned and squeezed Hux’s fingers. “Will you come with me, babe?” Ren asked again, “I’m nervous about it.”

“Nervous?” Hux asked, kissing Ren’s cheek again.

“What if I don’t get approved for an adoption?”

“I can’t imagine what type of person gets turned down for a lizard adoption.”

“Lots of people do!”

Hux sighed. “I’ll go with you, darling,” he kissed Ren’s collarbone, “Whatever you want, ok?”

Ren nodded and kissed Hux’s shoulder, then rested his chin there as Hux fucked into him. “Thank you,” he murmured.

Hux didn’t speed up or go fast or fuck him hard. He just kissed Ren’s neck and shoulders and fucked him evenly. Once he was close, he sat up so they could look in each other eyes. He stroked Ren easily as he made love to him, their eyes never breaking. When Ren came first, Hux fucked him through his orgasm, then finished inside of him. Hux collapsed next to Ren and kissed the side of his neck.

“Is that what you wanted, love?” Hux asked.

Ren nodded. “Perfect,” he said. Ren used his own sock to clean up his stomach, the dropped it on Hux’s floor. Hux sighed, but didn’t say anything. Instead, he just kissed Ren’s chest and scooted closer to him, hiking up one leg over Ren’s hips and snuggling into his neck. Ren turned off the lights and kissed Hux’s hair.

“Goodnight, Hux. I love you.”

“I love you, Kylo.”

***

Ren stress ate Sweet Tarts in the adoption center waiting room while Hux helped him fill out the paperwork for their appointment with the social worker from Lizard Services.

“What would you like me to put under occupation?” Hux asked as Ren downed a handful of Sweet Tarts.

“First Order Commander,” Ren said, “Do you think that’s ok?”

“I think that’s fine,” Hux said and filled in the line.

“What’s your annual salary?”

“Before or after taxes?”

“Gross.”

“What?”

“Before taxes.”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know how much money you make?”

Ren shook his head and ate another fistful of Sweet Tarts.

“I’ll ask Phas,” Ren said, “Move to the next question for now.”

“Do you have a family history of heart disease or stroke?”

Ren nodded. “Both. Uncle Luke has high blood pressure too.”

Hux checked the boxes for heart disease and stroke, along with hypertension.

“Do you have a land address?”

Ren shook his head so Hux wrote _Finalizer, Star Destroyer, Unit 40D_.

“Please list all pets you’ve had in the past,” Hux read from the paper, “Have you had pets in the past?”

Ren gulped, then nodded.

“Can you list them?”

Ren shook his head.

Hux sighed. “Well can you try?”

Ren began counting on his fingers, “Four hamsters, two gerbils, a chinchilla, several frogs, a good deal of butterflies, a groundhog, two dogs and one cat.”

Hux stared.

“Or maybe two cats? Also, most recently, a sheep.”

“Where have they all gone?”

“I lost most of them,” he said, “I’m not good with pets!”

“Why do you want a lizard?”

Ren shrugged. “I hear reptiles are sturdy. Hard to kill. Hard to lose.”

Hux sighed and tried to squeeze all of Ren’s former pets onto the line provided.

Ren checked his phone. “Phasma said my gross salary is $350,000.”

Hux’s eyes bulged out of his head.

“What?”

“Phasma said my gross salary is $350,000.”

“No, I heard you, I just --” Hux shut his eyes, “You make more than a quarter of a million dollars per year?”

Ren shrugged. “I don’t know. I just have it put directly into my bank account so I don’t have to deal with it.”

“Jesus fuck,” Hux muttered, “That’s more than I make, Kylo.”

Ren shrugged.

“Who set your salary?” Hux demanded.

“Snoke. When I was hired on. I got a raise though when I was promoted to Commander.”

Hux smugly wrote $350,000 on the line for salary.

“You’ll need to fill in a personal statement,” Hux muttered and gave the clipboard to Ren. Ren took it and finished his first roll of Sweet Tarts, then stuffed the trash in his pocket.

“What should I say?”

“I don’t know,” Hux said, “Tell them why you want a lizard.”

Ren sighed and Hux began composing an email to HR regarding his salary.

“What do you think of this?” Ren asked nearly ten minutes later, showing Hux the clipboard. Under, “Why are you interesting in adopting a lizard?” Ren had written, _I like lizards._

“Brilliant,” Hux murmured.

***

Ren sucked on four Sweet Tarts as the first lizard was dropped off. It was a baby Flap Necked Chameleon named Dimitri with bug eyes, abnormally stubby toes and a playful personality. Hux thought it looked stupid. Ren was in love.

He held the chameleon in his hands as the adoption specialist showed them Dimitri’s paperwork: Full name, age, sex, health and medical history, likes, dislikes and allergies. Dimitri stared at Hux sideways and stuck his tongue out.

“He’s perfect!” Ren said as the chameleon reached out for the desk. Ren set him down gently.

“He’s just a few weeks old, but this is a pretty standard chameleon. He’ll live for about eight years, and requires a very specific climate and habitat,” the social worker said, “Besides that, he’s pretty low maintenance.”

The chameleon blinked at them as he walked across the paperwork. Ren nodded, petting it’s little back.

The next one was a horned lizard named Agamemnon with a rather disagreeable attitude. He refused to be held and frowned thoroughly, plus required a diet of nearly 200 premium ants per day. He’d been in and out of foster care and was proving to be a troubled lizard. The specialist told them he’d need a lot of extra care and attention, maybe even talk therapy to help stabilize his more aggressive mood swings. Ren asked to see the next one.

The final lizard was a middle-aged leopard gecko named Bernadine who had recently had surgery to remove gallbladder stones. She was drowsy, but friendly, and seemed to take a liking to Hux.

“So?” the social worker asked, “What do you think?”

***

Hux and Ren arrived back at the _Finalizer_ four hours later, with three lizards, a multitude of shopping bags and a hand truck loaded up with lizard care supplies. They’d swung by PetsMart on the way home to pick up three terrariums, heat lamps, branches, vegetation, water fixtures, stones, moss, dirt and hundreds of ants and crickets. Ren carried the bags and wheeled the hand truck, and Hux carried the lizards, his mouth thoroughly turned up.

“Can you help me get them set up?” Ren asked, using his only free finger to press the elevator button.

“No,” Hux said.

“Bernadine really likes you!”

“These lizards are terrifying.”

“They’re sweet!” Ren said, “Even Agamemnon!”

“They are literal demons.”

The elevator arrived and they boarded, Ren again using his free finger to hit the button for the 40th floor.

“Well, can you at least babysit them while I get their terrariums put together?”

***

Hux held Bernadine and Dimitri as Agamemnon sulked in his temporary cage and chewed on ants.

“These are disturbing creatures, Kylo,” Hux said as Dimitri crawled up to his shoulder, “Couldn’t you have just gotten a cat or dog?”

Ren was seated on the floor, surrounded by branches and packets of peat moss starter. He fiddled with Agamemnon’s water fountain.

“I’ve always wanted a lizard,” he said, “Plus, I don’t have a good track record with cats or dogs.”

“Or sheep, apparently,” Hux said, looking at the makeshift pasture Ren had pushed aside. Dimitri stuck his tongue out and made himself comfortable near Hux’s ear.  

“Could you feed them some crickets for dinner?” Ren asked, “An order a pizza or something for us. I’m starving.”

***

Ren chewed on pizza, his head resting on Hux’s shoulder and watched the lizards explore their terrariums. Ren didn’t have a table, so they were seated on what was left of the sheep pasture eating pizza and keeping an eye on the lizards.

“What do you think of them?” Ren asked, “Aren’t they great?” Agamemnon had immersed himself in his water fountain and eaten another 30 ants.

Hux looked down at Ren, chewing on pizza and watching intently. “Maybe when Dimitri is older, we can take them to visit my treehouse?” Ren said, “I’m going to have a permanent terrarium installed for them there.”

Hux smiled, then kissed Ren’s hair. “Sure, darling,” he said, “Whatever you want. I’m happy if you’re happy.”

_In the next installment: Ren breaks ground on his treehouse, and Han and Leia have Ren, Hux and the lizards over for dinner. The CFO files another lawsuit for bodily injury, Hux considers budget cuts and layoffs, final preparations are made for the Starkiller Base opening gala and Ren starts shopping for his gown._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter was more functional and less cracky because there is a lot of setup that needs to happen for THE SEQUEL! There will be a short three or four chapter sequel after Digital Love to round out this trilogy because, I mean, we haven't even seen Kylo's TREEHOUSE yet. 
> 
> I'm on tumblr: [its-the-neon-bible](http://its-the-neon-bible.tumblr.com/)


	6. Will You Be There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Following the disastrous weaponry summit on Corellia, marked mainly by destruction and sex, Ren and Hux enter into a six-week evil space boyfriend trial membership period where they take turns choosing dates and boinking each other. Ren takes Hux to a dance club and teaches him to twerk. Hux takes Ren to a raw vegan restaurant and to see the Imperial Orchestra. Millicent likes Ren more than Hux, Phasma mostly ships it while also being pursued by a secret admirer, Ren puts down a deposit for a treehouse on Endor, and the pair attend the Starkiller Base inaugural gala together, wherein a small moon is blown up and Ren wears a ball gown. Meanwhile, the Corellian government sues the First Order for property damage and gross misconduct related to the weaponry summit, while also sticking them with the $16 billion repair bill.
> 
> CHAPTER SUMMARY: Ren, Hux, Millicent and the lizards attend the treehouse groundbreaking ceremony, followed by dinner at Han and Leia’s. Final preparations are made for the Starkiller inaugural gala, Ren and Phas shop for their gowns, the Corellia CFO files a bodily injury lawsuit and Hux considers budget cuts and layoffs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Softly you say to me, I will be there."
> 
> -Michael Jackson, "Will You Be There" from the Free Willy original motion picture soundtrack

“Babe?” Ren said through his helmet. He was propping Hux’s office door open with his foot to let himself in, “Are you ready to go?”

Hux looked up at him. Ren was balancing on one foot and using the other to hold the door open. He he was holding three lizard cages and had the strap of his bulky duffel bag (zipper still bursted) draped over one shoulder. The other shoulder was weighed down with a large camera bag, with a boom mic balanced precariously on top of it.

“Ready to go where?” Hux asked, “And what on earth are you doing with all of that, darling?”

Ren huffed and shifted his weight. Hux got up to help him.

“The groundbreaking for my treehouse is today, remember?” Ren said, “It starts in two hours! Plus I have to stop and do a thing for Snoke on the way.”

Hux sighed and took a few of the lizard cages from Ren, then gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

“And then my parents are having us over for dinner after,” Ren added, “They said we could stay the night, too.”

“I can’t make it, darling,” Hux said, taking Ren’s fingers, “I have a few more hours of budgeting work to do, then a meeting with accounting about how to cut costs.”

“Babe,” Ren whined, “I scheduled it for today because you promised you could make it!”

“I know, I’m so sorry, love,” Hux said.

Ren put his duffel bag down, defeated. “I can see if they can do the groundbreaking tomorrow?”

“No, don’t delay your groundbreaking, darling,” Hux said, kissing Ren’s knuckles.

“But I really wanted you to be there.”

Hux sighed and looked at Ren’s bags and camera equipment. The lizards were all packed up too, with small suitcases in each of their cages. Agamemnon was sitting on his suitcase and chewing on a cricket.

“Does your shuttle still have Wi-Fi?” Hux asked.

Ren nodded.

“I suppose I can work on the way there,” Hux said, “And call in for my meeting with accounting.”

Ren’s eyes lit up. “Really?”

“Sure, darling,” Hux said, “If it’s really important to you, we can make it work, ok?”

***

They were pulling out of the hangar a half hour later. Hux had quickly packed up stuff for himself and Millicent and gotten his work laptop.

Hux had pulled out the seat’s tray table and set up his laptop while Ren laid on the floor with Dimitri on his chest, trying fruitlessly to teach him the alphabet. Like Hux, Millicent didn’t like the lizards at all. She stood in the empty seat next to Hux, looking out of the window and scowling. She didn’t like planets or leaving the _Finalizer_.

Hux pored over his operating budget line-by-line with a neon green highlighter, marking expenses that the First Order could live without.

Hux highlighted the line for the bird sanctuary. “Do you ever go to the bird sanctuary, Ren?”

“Nope,” Ren said as he showed the letter _F_ flashcard to Dimitri.

“So you wouldn’t pay admission to get in?” Hux asked, “I thought it might help us recoup some of the operating costs.”

“Nope,” Ren said, showing Dimitri the _G_ flashcard next.

“Do you think anyone would pay to get in?” Hux asked.

“Nope,” Ren said, pulling out the _H_ flashcard.

Hux went back to his budget report. “How’s your cell service on here?” Hux asked as he highlighted the line for _complimentary wine tasting classes._

“It’s good,” Ren said, “But it starts to get spotty around the Western Reaches, so you should probably have your call before then.”

***

Hux’s call had been late starting because accounting had gone out for a long lunch. They were nearing the Western Reaches now, and Hux was having to yell to be heard.

“Well who are the highest paid stormtroopers?” Hux yelled into the phone as he looked over personnel files.

“The first division,” Ren whispered. He was on the call too, and was proving to know more about First Order finances than Hux had thought.

“The first division,” Mitaka said on the other end of the line. Mitaka, a licensed CPA, oversaw the accounting department as part of his dual role as Lieutenant and Director of Administrative and Financial Services.

“Can we cut any of them?” Hux asked.

“That would be unwise,” Ren whispered.

“That would be unwise, sir,” Mitaka said, “They are our most highly-trained and competent division. They are first responders to crisis situations and have the most collective experience.”

“That’s all in the personnel files,” Ren whispered.

“That’s all in the personnel files, sir,” Mitaka said.

Hux rolled his eyes. “Well if we can’t cut them, or their salaries, could you please put together a list of personnel that we _can_ cut?”

“I already did that,” Ren whispered, uncrumpling a few pieces of paper sliding them to Hux. He’d scribbled a few hundred stormtrooper ID numbers.

“Yes, sir,” Mitaka said, “We’ll get that started at once. I think we can get you a few hundred stormtrooper ID numbers to consider.”

“What about operating costs?” Hux asked, “What can we cut there?”

“The bird sanctuary should be first to go,” Ren muttered.

“The bird sanctuary should be first to go, sir,” Mitaka said.

Ren nodded.

“The operating costs are astronomical, and for very little return. The staff rated it as the lowest of the free attractions. Furthermore, the Ornithologist is one of our highest paid staff.”

Hux waved his hand. “Fine,” he said, “We can let it go. Have the communications team put together an internal memo that the bird sanctuary is closing one week from tomorrow. What else can we lose?”

“The saltwater swimming pool and Olympic size regulation lap pool are redundant, sir.”

“Saltwater pools are cheaper upkeep,” Ren said at full volume now, “I’m having one installed in my treehouse!”

Hux sighed, “Fine. Drain the lap pool. Keep the saltwater. What else?”

“Thirsty thursdays at the staff nightclub are costing us a small fortune, sir. Drinks are buy one get one free and ladies are free until midnight.”

“Cancel it,” Hux said, “What else?”

“The library’s rare books collection is worth nearly ten million USD.”

“Sell it,” Hux said, “But keep Samuel Johnson’s original print _Dictionary of the English Language._ What else?”

“We currently offer uncapped vacation time, which we feel some officers and stormtroopers are abusing.”

“Two weeks paid leave, no sick days,” Hux said, “What about our costs for heating, cooling and utilities?”

“Exorbitant, sir,” Mitaka said, “It seems that most units run their heating, cooling and lights 24/7. Whether they are on duty or not.”

“Put a cap on power usage for each unit. If anyone exceeds it, take the difference out of their paycheck.”

Ren raised his hand. “Except for unit 40D. I have to keep the heat lamps on all day for the lizards.”

Hux rolled his eyes, but kissed Ren’s hair, “Except for unit 40D.”

“We also are currently employing several _haute couture_ chefs who insist on serving only organic produce and the highest cuts of meat.”

“Fire the chefs. Hire line and fry cooks. Contact our supplier and tell them we’ll take non-organic produce and whatever meat is leftover.”

“What about scheduled raises and merit increases?”

“On hold until Q4.”

On the other end, Mitaka could be heard scribbling notes.

“Anything else, sir?”

“Run the numbers on how much this will save us and get back to me.”

“I already did that,” Ren whispered.

“Very good, sir. I’ll run a quick--”

Hux hung up.

“I need to stop off at Rattatak and shake up Snoke’s ex-wife’s divorce lawyer,” Ren said, rising now and putting his helmet on.

_“What?”_

“She’s suing him for 90K and exclusive rights to their lake house on Takodana,” Ren said as he tested his lightsaber to be sure it was working, “Snoke doesn’t want to pay the fee or lose the lake house, so he asked me threaten the lawyer or something I don’t know. I’ll re-read the text before I get there.”

The shuttle began losing altitude.

“You’re kidding?” Hux said.

“Nope!” Ren said, “It won’t take long, though!”

Hux rolled his eyes as the shuttle descended through the planet’s atmosphere and landed in the parking lot of a grocery store in the suburbs of Rattatak. Below them, people fled.

“Watch the lizards for me!” Ren said as the ramp lowered, “I’ll be back in 10!”

***

Ren returned 8 minutes later, the ramp raising behind him.

“All done!” he said after he took off his helmet.

“Snoke is paying you $350,000 a year to _chase_ _lawyers?”_

Ren shrugged.

“We might have to cut your salary a bit, darling.”

Ren shrugged and sat back down on the floor to keep working on the alphabet with Dimitri. “That’s fine,” he said, “As long as I have enough to take care of the lizards and build my treehouse!”

***

Even with their late start and lawyer detour, they arrived on Endor with enough time for Ren to set up his camera and recording equipment. When the command shuttle had dropped them off, Han and Leia were already there, having set up a beach umbrella and chairs in front of the tree’s dirt lot. Leia was slathering on sunscreen. Chewie was there too, wearing a large straw hat to keep his neck cool.

Ren rushed down the ramp and hugged his dad, then his mom, lifting her off of her feet. Then Chewie hugged Ren, lifting him off of this feet. Ren had changed out of his robes and helmet and put on his favorite jorts instead. He was barefoot and also shirtless.

“Uncle Chewie, this is my boyfriend, Hux!”

Chewie looked at Hux, tilted his head, then roared something that sounded a lot like _where’s Eduardo?_

“He says, hi!” Ren said, then went back to fiddling with his camera.

“Are you sure?” Hux asked, “It didn’t really sound like it.”

Han had taken his seat and was opening a cooler. He pointed at Hux. “Do you want a beer?”

***

Ren waved at the camera, which Han was half-heartedly operating, as he turned the first shovel-full of dirt, then posed for pictures with the Ewok construction crew. Leia snapped pictures on her phone and Chewie held the boom mic since he was the tallest. Hux held Millicent and the lizard’s leashes and looked on at the whole production. One of the Ewoks had brought Ren an authentic string of beads and a flower crown to welcome him to the tribe. They were doing the Yub Nub™ song and dance to bless the space. Hux sighed, but took out his phone to take a picture, too.

***

The groundbreaking ceremony had lasted about 45 minutes, followed by a 30 minute photo session. Ren had taken a lot of pictures with Hux, Millicent and the lizards, then some with his parents and Chewie. After that, they’d gone back to Han and Leia’s treehouse a few rows over for dinner. Han had prepared a casserole, which he stuck in the oven while Leia made drinks. Chewie had left, giving Ren a hug before he did and roaring a goodbye.

“He has a date later tonight,” Ren had explained to Hux, “And he wants to shower first, but it takes his fur a few hours to dry, so he has to get a head start.” Hux nodded. Ren was already poking around in the kitchen for something to snack on while the casserole baked.

Out on the front patio, Han and Leia were arguing over whether to make Gin Mules or Gin and Tonics.

“Han made the casserole?” Hux asked.

Ren nodded as he dug around in the cupboard. “He loves cooking.”

Hux sighed and looked around the treehouse. It was beautiful. Hand-carved wood, original hardwood floors, custom cabinets, stainless steel appliances and carrara marble countertops.

“Did you grow up here?” Hux asked, still holding Millicent beneath his arm. She hadn’t let him go. She didn’t like Endor and she didn’t trust the Ewoks.

“Not really,” he said with a shrug, then emerged with a box of animal crackers, “We mostly only came here during the summer when I didn’t have school.”

Hux nodded and looked out to the living room.

“Want a tour?”

***

Ren held the animal crackers tucked under one arm and chewed loudly as he walked Hux around the treehouse. It was three levels, built around the circumference of an impossibly large tree, and each level accessible by spiral staircase. Ren insisted that _authentic_ Endor treehouses only had ladders. Everything was made of wood, hand-crafted with intricate details and lots of personal touches. _Mom likes to decorate,_ Ren had explained.

“This is the half-bath,” Ren said, nudging a door open, “There’s a full bath and a master bath upstairs.”

Hux nodded, then followed Ren up the staircase.

“I’m obviously going for something more _Endor_ _treehouse traditional_ , with hints of American Craftsman style,” Ren said, gesturing at the second story landing and spilling crumbs everywhere. Hux followed him down the hall.

“This was my room,” he said, pushing a door open with his toe, “We’ll sleep in here tonight.” Hux peeked in. It looked like it hadn’t been updated since Ren was about six years old. There was a red and blue spaceship bed with matching spaceship sheets and a non-matching quilt, probably made by Chewie. The walls were covered in relics of Ren’s early years as a Jedi Padawan. There were photos on the walls of a miserable-looking 6- or 7-year-old Ben with his parents. On a long shelf above the bed, an assortment of Jedi awards, plaques, trophies and ribbons.

“This is my parents room, this is the spare bedroom,” Ren said nodding to the other doors, “Dad sleeps in the spare bedroom because mom snores too loud. And there’s a meditation room in the attic.”

Hux nodded. “It’s really nice.”

“You like it?”

“It’s beautiful,” he said, “Cozy.” Under Hux’s arm, Millicent purred. Even she seemed to like it.

They stepped out onto the second story balcony. Han and Leia were below them on the front porch, still arguing.

“Ben, do you want gin mules or a gin and tonic?” Han hollered up at them.

“Both!” Ren said, “We’re coming down!”

***

Han, Leia, Hux and Ren ate their casserole out on the porch while Millicent laid in the sunshine, licking her paws and the lizards ate ants. After dinner, Han had started a fire, and they’d gathered around the fire pit. They all sat in wicker chairs, besides Ren, who sat on the deck at Hux’s feet, gulped at his drink and kept an eye on the lizards.

“Ben, have you thought anymore about going on vacation with us?” Leia asked.

“I can’t, mom,” Ren said, rolling his eyes, “Hux just did away with our uncapped vacation time and I’ve already used up all my PTO. Plus, Snoke needs me for a special project.”

Han scoffed and Leia rolled her eyes.

“They don’t like Snoke,” Ren said to Hux.

Hux shrugged. “I don’t either.”

“You haven’t been on vacation with us in a decade, Ben,” Han said.

Ren huffed. “I’m busy!”

“Busy doing what? Running errands for Snoke?”

“No!” Ren said.

“You just had to go shake up his divorce lawyer, darling,” Hux said.

“It was important!” Ren said, “These are important errands I’m doing!”

“Are they really?” Han asked.

“You wouldn’t understand, dad!” Ren said.

“Where are you guys going?” Hux asked, changing the subject and rubbing Ren’s hair to calm him down, “For vacation?”

“We have a beach house on Rakata Prime,” Han said, “We were going to go stay for a few weeks.”

Hux nodded and sipped his drink. _How many houses did they have?_

“Want to see baby pictures of Ben?” Leia asked.

***

Once the sun went down, they went back into the living room and sat in front of the TV. Han pressed buttons on the TV’s remote to try to get the Apple TV to turn on.

“When did you get Apple TV?” Ren asked.

“Eduardo set it up for a us a few weeks ago.”

_“What?”_

Leia had put on her reading glasses and was inspecting a paper with handwritten instructions on it. “You need to use the black remote that says _Samsung_ to put the TV on the _HDMI 3_ input,” Leia said carefully, still looking down through her reading glasses.

Ren’s nostrils flared. “A few _weeks_ ago?”

“Oh, calm down, Ben,” Han said, waving his hand and looking for the HDMI 3 input button. Leia was still reading the instructions, presumably left by Eduardo. Ren snatched the remote and switched it to the right input, then turned on Apple TV.

“He can’t keep coming over here,” Ren said, as Hux peeked at the paper to get a glimpse of Eduardo’s handwriting. Pristine, sloping cursive. Hux rolled his eyes.

“He lives in the next subdivision,” Leia said, “I don’t know what you want us to do, honey. Tell him he can’t come over?”

“What? He _moved_ here?”

“About four weeks ago,” Han said, “Bought a recently flipped treehouse. Got a good deal on it, too.”

Hux nodded. “I did just read that Endor’s housing market is ripe for new development and especially friendly for first-time homeowners.”

Ren had slumped over sideways, his head resting in Hux’s lap now. “I don’t want to live here anymore,” he said, “I’m selling my tree!”

Han rolled his eyes and opened a folder called BABY BEN. “He’s not even here very much, Ben,” Han said, “He’s leading an organic sheep and wool restoration project on Hoth.”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Ren said.

Hux ran his fingers through Ren’s hair and looked at the hundreds of thumbnails that loaded in the album.

“These are all of you?” Hux asked.

Ren nodded. “I was a cute baby!”

Han queued up the photos and began clicking through. Hux looked on. Ren was a dreadful baby. He was crying and screaming in all the pictures, throwing tantrums, head thrown back in agony.

“These are great,” Hux said.

Han pulled up another page of photos wherein Ren looked a few months older and increasingly distraught.

“He was a complete terror,” Han said as a photo of Ren having puked on his high chair was pulled up.

“I was great,” Ren said turning over and looking up at Hux.

Hux bent to kiss him. “I’m sure you were, darling.”

***

“They couldn’t have switched this out for a bigger bed?” Hux asked as he and Ren shuffled around in Ren’s twin-sized spaceship bed, trying to get comfortable, the ship’s frame creaking under their weight.

“I haven’t really been back here in a while,” Ren said, “I don’t think they even thought to replace it.”

Millicent, having realized there was absolutely no room for her in the spaceship bed, had gone to sleep in the spare bedroom with Han. She’s sounded off with a sassy meow as she pawed the door open, decidedly displeased. The lizards were set up on the shelf above Ren’s bed. He’d cleared his Jedi Academy trophies to make space. Above them, Agamemnon could be heard chewing on ants.

“Well maybe now they’ll get a new bed,” Hux said, “Since we’ll probably be back quite a bit to check on tree house construction?

Ren smiled and turned over onto his back, positioning Hux up on top of him. Hux sat up on Ren’s stomach and then bent to kiss him, staying there, their lips hovering just a few centimeters apart.

“You want to come back?” Ren asked.

Hux shrugged. “Yes, I suppose so.”

“You like it here?”

Hux nodded and sat back up so he could rub Ren’s chest. “I do,” he said, “It’s… it’s different.”

“Different than space?” Ren said, “Of course it is. Haven’t you spent much time on planets, babe?”

“No, I mean,” Hux sighed, “It’s not just that it’s a planet. It feels, like, _happy_ here?”

Ren nodded. “It is. It is happy here,” Ren said and worked Hux’s shirt up and over his head.

Hux let Ren toss his shirt aside and rubbed Ren’s chest, a finger gracing his nipple. “Maybe we don’t have to leave tomorrow?” Hux asked, “Maybe we could stay another day?”

“Mmm, we can’t,” Ren said, slipping a finger under the waistband of Hux’s underwear, “Phas and I are meeting at the mall to shop for gowns for the _Starkiller_ gala.”

Hux sighed. “You’re wearing a gown, darling?”

“Yeah, why not?” Ren said with a shrug, “Lift up so I can take your underwear off.”

Hux leaned down to kiss Ren again, lifting his hips enough for Ren to slide his underwear off. Hux kicked them away, then sat back down on Ren’s abdomen. The spaceship creaked.

“What kind of gown are you looking for?” Hux asked, growing harder as Ren stroked him slowly.

Ren shrugged. “Something black. Phas and I saw a bunch of ideas on Pinterest.”

Ren stroked Hux a bit faster and Hux shut his eyes and relaxed into Ren’s touch and placed his palms on Ren’s thighs to balance himself.

“What kind of gowns do you like, babe?” Ren asked, still stroking Hux carefully.

“I don’t know,” Hux said, “I don’t know much about gowns, darling. None of my exes have ever worn gowns.”

“Well that’s boring,” Ren said, shifting his weight a little and kicking off the spaceship sheets, “Do you want me to wear something sexy and slinky? Or like, regal and traditional.”

“What? What does that mean?”

“A skimpy backless number or a Cinderella ball gown?” Ren asked, “It’s not that hard, Hux.”

Hux shrugged. “I mean, backless, obviously.”

“Backless, then,” Ren said, “A high slit?”

“What’s that?”

Ren sighed audibly. “How do you know so little about gowns?”

“How am I supposed to know any of this?”

“Do you want to see my legs?”

“Of course.”

“Well then,” Ren said, his hand coming to rest at the base of Hux’s cock,“So you want something sultry and sexy. Backless, with a slit that goes up to my waist. That’s all you had to say, babe?”

Hux sighed, more in frustration that Ren had stopped stroking his cock.

“Ride me,” Ren said, stroking himself now.

“Your lizards are up there, Ren,” Hux said.

“So?” Ren said, “Ride me.”

“Millie left the door open.”

Ren lifted a hand to shut it.

“Ride me.”

Hux sighed, but raised up, then lowered himself onto Ren anyways. Hux used Ren’s chest to steady himself, then began bouncing up and down. The spaceship was even louder than Ren’s IKEA bed back on the _Finalizer._

“Are you sure this bed can support the weight of two adult males engaging in any sort of sexual activity?” Hux asked, “Much less one riding the other?”

“It’ll be fine,” Ren said, “You’re tiny!”

“I just feel like this bed was meant for a toddler.”

“It’ll be fine,” Ren said, “Me and Ed-”

Ren stopped himself.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Say it.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Ren!”

“Me and Eduardo used to fuck in this bed all the time.”

“You said you haven’t been here in a long time!”

“I said _a while,_ not a long time, _”_ Ren shrugged as Hux still bounced up and down. “I didn’t want to tell you that Eduardo liked sharing this bed with me.”

“You _liked it?_ Sharing this tiny bed.”

“No, I said _he_ liked it. He liked being close to me.”

“Ugh,” Hux said, bouncing harder, “Well not anymore. You’re mine. _Not his.”_

“I know that, babe.”

“You’re all mine,” Hux said, bending over to kiss Ren’s chest and coming down to rest fully on his cock. He thumbed over the tattoo when he sat back up.

“Do you have anymore tattoos?” Hux asked as he resumed riding Ren.

“No,” Ren said.

“None that have to do with _him?”_

Ren shook his head.

“You’re certain?”

“You see me completely naked all the time, babe,” Ren sad, “I’m not hiding anything from you.”

“Good,” Hux said, gripping Ren’s thighs and fucking himself on Ren’s cock faster and deeper, “Because you are all mine and you are never, ever fucking anyone else again.”

“I already know that,” Ren smirked and stroked Hux’s cock, “You’re saying you definitely want us to be together forever, General?”

Hux huffed and bounced up and down on Ren.

“Let me be on top,” Ren said, gripping Hux’s hips and quickly flipping him over. He kissed Hux deeply, then settled into fucking him at a rigorous pace. Hux moaned as Ren lifted his leg up and placed it over his shoulder. The bed was having none of it. It voiced its displeasure with creaks, the hull of the ship banging against the wall.

“You know,” Ren breathed, “You never let me finish any of the role playing scenarios I tried to set up on our first night together.”

“Yeah,” Hux moaned and shifted hips, “Because those were awful.”

“If I come up with a good one,” Ren said, “Can we do it?”

“Perhaps,” Hux said, “What’s a _good one?”_

“I don’t know. Like, I’m ... a. I’m…” Ren’s brow furrowed.

“You’re what, darling? Something unreasonable like a tanning salon manager or a gravedigger?”  

Ren fucked Hux softer now and bent over. “No,” he said and sighed, “I just -- I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“Yeah. I Just -- I think I just like us?”

Hux smiled. “I like us too, darling.”

Ren bent to kiss him. “Want me to give you head?”

***

Hux sat on the edge of the spaceship as Ren gave him head. Hux tangled his fingers in Ren’s hair and shut his eyes.

“That’s so good,” Hux murmured. Ren buried his face in Hux’s crotch and stayed there. Hux rubbed Ren’s scalp slowly, Ren -- with his face still buried in Hux’s crotch.

“You can breathe, you know, darling,” Hux said.

Ren came up for a breath and kissed Hux’s thighs.

“I know,” he said, licking his lips and stroking Hux, “I just like your cock so much. I don’t like having to come up for a breath.”

Hux smiled, feeling his chest puff out a little. Ren took Hux back in his mouth, looking up at Hux while he did. Hux met his eyes and tugged gently on Ren’s hair. Ren hummed.

“That’s so, so good, darling,” Hux said softly, “Will you swallow, love? When I’m finished?”

Ren opened his eyes and rolled them, but nodded. “Thank you, darling,” Hux said.

“Just let me know when,” Ren said around Hux’s cock.

“I will,” Hux breathed. Ren took Hux took the back of this throat, and there he stayed, until Hux was certain Ren was going to pass out. Ren came up for a breath, smirked, breathed deeply, stroked Hux a few times and then did it again. He eventually came up another deep breath and stroked Hux, then sucked him off again, quickly this time, his head bobbing earnestly and his lips wide and pink around Hux’s cock. Hux moaned and cursed under his breath.

Ren went faster, idly toying with Hux’s balls now too.

“Fuck,” Hux murmured, “Ren, darling. I’m going to come.”

Ren nodded, but didn’t stop sucking Hux, his eyes closing as his head, hands and mouth worked. Hux came a few second later, his eyes opening wide as he did. He hadn’t come in anyone’s mouth. Ever. _It was great._

Ren swallowed, tilting his head back, then wiping the corners of his mouth. “It _is_ great,” he said, standing up and lifting Hux, “Let me fuck you again?”

Hux held Ren’s neck, his legs wrapping around Ren’s waist. “Of course, darling,” Hux said, his breath hot in Ren’s ear. Ren pressed Hux’s back to the wall, right next to some sort of certificate Ben had gotten for completing a lightsaber safety use course. Hux scoffed, craning his neck to read it.

“They should take that certificate back, darling.”

Ren kissed Hux’s neck, sucking hard enough to leave a mark, and looped his arms under Hux’s thighs to keep him pinned to the wall as he pushed into him.

“I think that certificate is the last of these awards they’re worried about reclaiming,” Ren said as he fucked into the wall. Hux moaned loudly and the lizard cages rattled on their shelf.

“I think you managed to choose the one position that makes more noise than the starship bed, love,” Hux said.

Ren grunted and sped up his pace, Hux’s back colliding with the wall over and over. Hux moaned and gripped Ren. He was hard again.

“Are you ok, babe?” Ren asked, slowing a bit to reposition Hux, “Does this hurt you?”

Ren used a hand to smooth Hux’s hair down at the back of his head.

“No, I’m ok,” Hux said, kissing the inside of Ren’s wrist, “But the lizards aren’t.”

Ren looked up at the shelf. The cages were overturned. Dimitri had slept through it, but Bernadine and Agamemnon were watching them in earnest, waiting for the assault to be over.

“Fuck,” Ren said, “Ok. We’ll finish quickly. Hold on, baby.”

Hux gripped Ren’s neck and Ren kissed his cheek quickly, then fucked him brutally against the wall, hard, fast and unforgiving. Hux stroked himself too and came on Ren’s stomach just after Ren came inside of him. Ren kissed Hux’s cheek several times as he lowered him gently back down to the floor. Once Hux had his legs under him, Ren stood on the bed to check on the lizards. Dimitri had woken and was blinking at Ren sleepily, trying to figure out why his cage was turned over. Bernadine had curled in a corner and Agamemnon had rolled over on his back to play dead.

Ren sighed and took their cages down. “I think we scared them,” he said, “Can you pet their backs for a minute while I go brush my teeth?”

Hux sighed and searched for his underwear. “Brush your teeth?”

“I just swallowed your come.”

***

Once Ren’s mouth was clean and the lizards were comforted, they’d crawled back into the tiny bed, Ren on his back and Hux curled up tightly between Ren and the wall.

“I like your first name,” Hux said.

“What? Kylo?”

“Ben,” Hux said, “It’s all over your awards and trophies.”

“Oh.”

“Is it short for Benjamin?”

“Not really,” Ren said, “It’s a long story. I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Ok,” Hux said, kissing the side of Ren’s neck, “Sorry, darling.”

Ren sighed and kissed Hux’s forehead. “It’s ok.”

They shifted around, Ren’s long legs hanging over the edge of one of the wings.

“Did you break up with Eduardo or did Eduardo break up with you?”

Ren sighed louder now. “I really, _really_ don’t want to talk about that.”

Hux sighed and tried to find a place to put his arm. “Can we talk about it at some point?”

“Why do we need to?”

“Do you still have feelings for him?”

“No.”

“Phasma seemed to think you did,” Hux said, “And she literally knows everything about you and she’s never wrong.”

“Well she was wrong about that.”

Hux rolled around, trying to get comfortable. “Could I sleep on top of you?”

Ren sighed. “Fine.”

Hux laid flat on top of Ren, one of his legs curling up at Ren’s waist. Ren hugged Hux’s waist, one hand at his lower back and the other resting on his ass.

“I love you, Hux,” Ren said, “And only you.”

Ren rubbed Hux’s back slowly. “Eduardo left me,” he said after a while, “He and I are done, ok? Really, we were done long before we broke up.”

“Ok,” Hux said into Ren’s neck, “I’m sorry, love. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just wanted to know for sure.”

Ren rubbed his hand up Hux’s back, then ruffled his hair. He kissed Hux a few times. “If you ever leave me though,” he murmured, “I really don’t think I’d survive it, ok?”

Hux blinked a few times, his eyelashes brushing Ren’s neck. “Ok,” he said and kissed Ren’s neck, “Ok, darling. I’m not going anywhere, ok?”

Ren didn’t say anything.

“Kylo?” Hux said, lifting his head to meet Ren’s eyes “I love you. I’m not going anywhere so you have nothing to worry about, ok?”

“Ok.”

“Ok.”

Above them, Agamemnon burped, then chirruped on and off for a few minutes as Ren and Hux fell asleep.

***

“No,” Hux said into his phone, “We want the buttercream frosting, not the whipped.”

He was set up on the Command Shuttle again, his work laptop out on the tray table and his frustrations with the real world having already returned just a half hour after leaving Endor.

“Well if it’s too late to change the order then I’ll cancel it entirely and contact any other bakery in the galaxy who _can_ make me a cake with buttercream.”

Hux was silent for a while. “Good. That’s what I thought. We’ll need it delivered, too. Send us the bill for the buttercream upgrade and the delivery charge and I’ll have accounting cut you a check.”

He hung up the phone, then punched in another number.

“Can’t the party planning and events sub-committee take care of this, babe?” Ren asked, out of breath. He was doing a quick floor workout with his dumbbells.

“No,” he said, “They’re entirely incompetent. They ordered the cake with whipped frosting in the first place.”

“Are we still doing the foam after party at the nightclub?” Ren asked, “I got new swim trunks for it!”

Hux sighed. “I don’t know if it’s in the budget, darling. The catering bill alone is nearly 14 grand.”

“What if we do a potluck instead?”

Hux shook his head as he put his phone to his ear. “It’s General Hux. Can I please speak to your helium balloon specialist?”

***

“I really don’t think we have time for this today, Kylo,” Hux said as the shuttle went in for landing on Coruscant.

“But we’re already out! Plus, Phas is here and she’s waiting for me in the food court.”

“Can’t you just order a gown online, darling?” Hux asked as he typed furiously at his keyboard.

Ren had showered after his workout and was now drinking a _recovery smoothie,_ which was just cookies and cream protein powder blended with chocolate milk.

“No! I have to see how it fits!”

“Well then order several, try them on, and return whichever ones you don’t like.”

Ren sighed and put his hair up in a bun. “The mall has free Wi-Fi, babe,” he said, “You can bring your laptop.”

***

Hux composed an email to the jazz band they’d hired, the phone tucked between his ear and shoulder as he argued with the bartending service over which type of Champagne to use for the toast. He was seated on a puffy white chair in the Macy’s dressing room, his laptop balanced on his knees, while Ren and Phasma squawked at each other from their dressing rooms, threw gowns over the walls and ran the fitting room attendant ragged.

_“Do you have this dress in a 10?”_

_“Does this gown come in black?”_

_“Phas! Can you come zip me up?”_

_“Do you have any shapewear we could use?”_

_“Are my shoulders too bulky for a halter cut?”_

_“Could I try this one with a strapless bra?”_

_“Do you have anything with a lower cut back? My boyfriend only likes backless gowns!”_

They had come out a number of times to show Hux the gowns, but he honestly couldn’t keep up or tell the difference. Ren came out now in a strapless gown with a corset back. Hux scrunched his nose and shook his head. Ren huffed and lifted the hemline, retreating to his fitting room.

“Hux, you aren’t being any help, babe!” Ren yelled as he slammed the door. Hux rolled his eyes and muted his end of the phone.

“I’m sorry, love. I just need to wrap up this call.”

“That’s what you said on the last call!”

“Kylo, come fasten me into this dress!” Phasma yelled, “I think I found the one!”

Phas threw her door open to reveal a floor-length ivory dress with a backless, deep V-neck bodice made out of lace.

“Phas!” Ren yelled, “It’s perfect!”

Ren fastened the dress closed in the back, a single strip of ribbon around the waist line and held her hand as she turned in the mirror. They hugged each other. Hux rolled his eyes.  

“Doesn’t she look great, babe?” Ren asked.

Hux looked up, his fingers pausing on the keyboard. “Wow,” he said, “It’s beautiful, Phasma.”

Phasma squealed and hugged Ren again. “We need to find your dress now, Kylo!”

***

Eighteen dresses later, Ren still hadn’t found one he liked. He was crumpled in a heap on the floor of his dressing room while Phasma stroked his hair.

“Hux!” she yelled, “Get in here! He’s upset!”

Hux sighed and shut his laptop, then went in to see Ren. The fitting room attendant had brought him some juice from the staff lounge to keep his blood sugar up, along with mixed nuts to nibble on.

“I don’t like any of them, Hux!” Ren said from where he was slumped against the wall, chewing on a cashew.

“It’s alright, darling,” he said, “Just wear your formal cloak over your robes. You look good all the time, no matter what you’re wearing.”

“But I wanted a new dress for the gala!”

Hux sighed and went into the fitting room, then squatted in front of Ren. “I think I saw something you’d look good in.”

***

Hux returned exactly 90 seconds later with a black floor-length gown, a high slit in the middle hemline, backless, with a plunging neckline and long sleeves.

“What do you think?” Hux asked, “It’s like a _sexy Kylo Ren,_ right?”

Ren’s eyes lit up. He stood and drained the last of his juice. “Help me put it on!”

Hux and Phas helped Ren into the dress and then turned him to look in the mirror, Hux still holding his hand. Ren squeezed Hux’s hand when he saw his reflection.

“Hux!” he yelled, “You picked this? Where’d you find this!”

“It was on the rack, love.”

“It’s perfect!”

“It’s gorgeous,” Hux said, kissing Ren’s neck where it was exposed to him, “And the middle slit will make it easy for us to sneak in a quick fuck at the gala.”

***

Ren was sold. He smiled as the cashier rang them up and put both dresses into garment bags. Hux had written the gowns off as a First Order expense.

“Thanks, General.” Phasma said as she and Ren chose lollipops from the glass cannister next to register.

Hux shrugged. “I don’t suppose anyone will miss another grand,” he said as he handed over the company AmEx card and discreetly grabbed Ren’s ass, “Plus, Kylo looks _amazing_ in it.”

***

When they got back to the _Finalizer_ , Phasma had taken the dresses up to her quarters to have Mitaka steam them, while Ren and Hux checked in on First Order operations. A large stack of mail had accumulated on Hux’s desk just in the two days they’d been off-ship.

Hux sighed as she sat down behind his desk and Ren knelt before him, unbuckling his pants, and taking Hux in his mouth. Hux used a letter opener to slide open a letter from Corellia as Ren’s head bobbed up and down on his cock.

“Fuck,” Hux muttered as Ren came up for a breath and removed Hux’s cock from his mouth, slurping loudly.

“What is it, babe?” Ren asked.

“The CFO is suing us!”

“What?” Ren said, “What for?”

“For bodily injuries sustained while onboard the First Order flagship, the _Finalizer_ , specifically related to the therapeutic coal-walk pit attraction,” Hux read from the paper, and then shut his eyes.

Ren sucked on the head of Hux’s cock, “How much is it?”

“Another $1.4 million.”

Ren shrugged. “That isn’t so bad.” He took Hux back in his mouth.

“It’s pretty bad, darling.”

Ren hummed around Hux’s cock in his mouth, then removed it again.

“Would it make you feel better if I swallow?”

Hux sighed and ran a hand over his face. “Yes,” he said, “I suppose it would.”

_In the next installment: Ren and Hux have their trial relationship review session, declaring it a resounding success. The First Order continues to face serious financial trouble, meaning staff cuts and asset liquidation. Meanwhile, at the Starkiller Base inaugural gala, the weapon is used to blow up a small moon. Afterwards, Ren gets a text from Snoke and learns that his middle school history teacher, Lor San Tekka, has discovered a map that leads to Uncle Luke’s private island hideaway._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> VERY IMPORTANT:
> 
> [Phasma's dress](http://www.promgirl.com/shop/dresses/viewitem-PD1304013) 
> 
> [Ren's dress](http://www.promgirl.com/shop/dresses/viewitem-PD1572165)
> 
> I'm on tumblr: [its-the-neon-bible](http://its-the-neon-bible.tumblr.com/)


	7. And The Future Hangs Over Our Heads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren and Hux have their trial relationship review session, which yields surprising results. Now on a stringent budget, the Starkiller Base inaugural gala is underwhelming, but the weapon proves its functionality when a small moon is destroyed. While Ren and Hux argue over their future, Ren receives emergency distress text messages from Snoke, informing him that Lor San Tekka has discovered a map that leads to Luke Skywalker.

“I don’t know anything about a map,” Ren said into his phone while he munched on Cracker Jacks.

“Snoke says he’s heard rumors that there might a map to Luke Skywalker,” Katsu, his second-in-command Knight, said, “And he wants us to find it.”

“Well I’m busy,” Ren said as his phone chimed with a calendar notification: _Trial Relationship Review Session in 15 minutes_ , “Can you just look into it and get back to me?”

“I really think you should talk with the Supreme Leader, my Lord,” Katsu said.

Ren rolled his eyes. “Look into it, get back to me, then I’ll go to the Supreme Leader when we have something report,” Ren said as he dusted crumbs and salt from his fingers.

Katsu sighed. “Yes, my Lord.”

“Ok, thanks. Bye!”

Ren hung up and drank the last of his Cracker Jack crumbs, then checked his calendar. Hux had booked a conference room for their relationship review session. Ren inspected the invite in greater detail and saw that was supposed to have prepared a short presentation on the highs and lows of their trial relationship, along with his vision for their future. Ren called Katsu back.

“Can you make me a PowerPoint real quick?”

***

Ren arrived to the conference room fifteen minutes late. Hux was already there, with his slides pulled up and snacks and beverages set out.

“You’re late, darling,” Hux said, standing to greet Ren with a kiss.

Ren took off his helmet and scooped up Hux, lifting him from his feet and giving him a kiss. “Sorry,” he said, “I was on a call with one of the Knights about a map or something.”

 “Is it urgent?” Hux asked, as Ren set him down, “We can reschedule if you--”

“No, it’s fine,” Ren said as he plugged his flash drive into the lectern computer to queue his slides, “I think it’ll blow over.”

***

Hux went first, presenting his elegantly crafted slides recounting their highs and lows. Among their highs, he listed the skating rink birthday party, the concert at the nightclub, their _Titanic_ fuck followed by their first _I love you_ and the treehouse groundbreaking. Their lows: the entire _Chez Raw_ experience, including the argument that followed and Hux’s forcing a 200-page Terms and Conditions upon Ren.

Hux’s vision for their future was startlingly precise, each claim was backed with evidence and a timetable. First on his list: Cohabitation.

“We already spend each night together,” Hux said, pulling up a detailed graph that charted the increase in their time spent together per 24-hour cycle, “It only makes sense that we move in together. I know you have your lizard terrariums set up at your place, so Millicent and I are happy to move in there. But if that’s the case, we’ll need to do some cleaning first.”

Ren stared.

“Alternatively, you and the lizards are welcome to move in with myself and Millicent. We’ll have your terrariums relocated.”

Ren blinked.

“Ren?” Hux said, “What do you think, love?”

“You want to move in together?”

“Yes,” Hux said, “That’s what cohabitation means.”

“When?” Ren asked.

Hux clicked through to the next slide and indicated the time table. “Effective immediately, with the moving process completed over the course of the next three to five days.”

Ren swallowed, then nodded. Hux moved onto the next item.

“I don’t foresee myself breaking up with you,” Hux said, now pulling a graph that showed his exponential increase in overall mood and happiness since he started dating Ren, “I never counted happiness, parenthood and lifelong partnership among goals for my mid-to-late thirties, but I’ve readjusted my five year plan.”

Hux clicked to the next slide, which laid out his original five year plan. As it stood, it was mostly work goals: _Destroy the Resistance and all those who stand in my way, murder the naysayers, murder everyone I don’t like, rule the galaxy,_ so forth and so on.

“I’ve adjusted my plan accordingly,” Hux said and clicked to his revised five year plan. It was mostly unchanged, with the exception of a few personal goals: _Destroy the Resistance and all those who stand in my way, murder the naysayers, murder everyone I don’t like, rule the galaxy, marry Kylo Ren, produce 3-5 biological offspring._

There was a stock photo of a diamond ring and a wedding band.

“After the completion of _Starkiller Base_ , the dismantling of the Resistance and the executions of any remaining Jedi, I plan to propose the idea of entering into a lifelong partnership.”

Ren looked on, unmoving. “You want to get married?”

“Yes,” Hux said.

Ren stared, waiting for an explanation.  

“Only to you, I mean. The idea of spending forever with anyone else is entirely frightful,” Hux said, “I didn’t know I wanted to be married until I met you.”

Hux clicked through to the next slide. There was a picture of a baby with red hair.

“Additionally, we should combine our powerful ancestry and gene pools to create biological offspring. I have researched the galaxy’s best fertility clinics and they seem certain that they could assist us in producing several children,” Hux said, “Three to five would be ideal. I have booked us an appointment for a year from today to visit the clinic and look on as our child is conceived in the lab, but we’re welcome to donate samples as soon as we please. They’ll keep them on file.”

Ren’s mouth gaped.

“Furthermore,” Hux clicked to the next slide, which showed blueprints, “I’d like to build or buy 3-4 homes for us and our children to inhabit around the galaxy. Your treehouse is already underway, so we’ll just need an additional 2 or 3. I’ve contacted developers and realtors on Arkanis, Rakata Prime and Coruscant.”

Hux clicked on, now pulling up a survey in which he’d given them a one-to-five star rating in all areas of their relationship.

“Sexual relations and foreplay,” Hux said, “Four stars.”

 _“Four?”_ Ren spoke up now.

“The shortcomings are on my end, not yours,” Hux said, “Please hold your comments for the end, love.”

“Communication and functionality. Two stars.”

Ren shrugged. That sounded about right.

“Conflict resolution,” Hux said, “Three and a half stars.”

“Honesty and openness. Three stars,” Hux continued on, “Teamwork and compatibility. One star. But I suppose that can’t be helped.”

“Babe,” Ren said.

“Please hold your comments until the end,” Hux said again as he clicked to the next slide, “Overall, I give our trial relationship 4 and a half stars out of five, though I know that number isn’t a consistent median given the star ratings I’ve just assigned to various aspects of our relationship. I’m in love, and I suppose that can’t be measured by a star rating.”

Ren sighed and fished a few M&Ms out of the bowl Hux had set out.

Hux clicked to the last slide, which simply said: _Questions and Comments?_

“Questions?” Hux asked.

Ren raised his hand.

“Yes, Ren?”

“Did you just propose to me via PowerPoint?”

Hux clicked back to the slide to the offending slide.

“No,” he said, “I plan to propose to you once we’ve completed essential work tasks, like the construction of _Starkiller Base_ and assorted Jedi assassinations.”

Ren raised his hand again.

“You don’t have to raise your hand each time, darling,” Hux said, “You can speak freely.”

“Are you serious?”

“About what?”

“About the whole thing.”

“Yes,” Hux said.

Ren blinked. “Ok,” he said, “Ok -- I … I think I misunderstood?”

“How so?”

Ren got up now and went to the computer to pull up his slides. Hux took his seat and looked at the screen.

Ren’s PowerPoint was very obviously done at the last minute. He’d used the standard template, and there was still lorem ipsum copy on the front page where he’d failed to put a subtitle.

“I forgot I was supposed to prepare a PowerPoint,” Ren admitted.

“I can see that, darling.”

Ren’s PowerPoint was mostly pictures from their Instagram account. For the “highs” of their relationship, Ren had simply put pictures of them on the slide, with text that said, “Every moment we get to spend together!!!!!”

For the “lows” Ren had put, “Every moment we don’t get to spend together!!!”

Hux chewed on a M&Ms.

For his vision of their future, Ren had listed: _Go on more dates, have sex more often and be together all the time._

“I’m not very good at this,” Ren said.

“It’s fine, darling,” Hux said, “Come here.”

Ren approached Hux and knelt before him on both knees, then sat back on his calves. He looked up at Hux and settled between his thighs. “I’m sorry my slides were so bad,” he said.

Hux ran his fingers through Ren’s hair. “It’s ok. They’re about what I expected,” Hux said.

Ren nodded.

“I love you, Kylo.”

“I love you too, Hux.”

“I know my vision for our future is aggressive, but I can’t bear the thought of losing you, so I figured I’d come right out with it,” Hux said, “Is that alright?”

Ren nodded.

“I know we hadn’t talked about moving in together or marriage or children,” Hux said, “But I never realized I wanted any of those things until you came along.”

Ren nodded.

“I already have your ring,” Hux said, “But I suppose I’ll wait to give it to you to preserve some element of surprise.”

“You already bought a ring?”

Hux nodded. “Phasma helped me chose it. She said you like diamonds?”

Ren’s eyes lit up and he nodded. Hux bent to kiss his hair. “I can’t wait to give it to you, darling,” Hux said.

Ren took Hux’s hand and brought it to his mouth and kissed it. “Why did you dock our sex life rating a star based on your shortcomings?” Ren asked, “You don’t have any shortcomings.”

“Well, I’m not very good at giving oral sex,” Hux said.

“You’re not that bad, babe,” Ren said, kissing Hux’s hand again.

“You said I wasn’t good at it,” Hux said.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I was just hungry.”

“I still feel like there’s room for improvement on my end.”

Ren shrugged. “We can practice if you want?”

Hux nodded and Ren kissed his thigh. “Was that it?”

“And I feel like you do most of the work while I just lay around moaning and being perfectly fucked out.”

Ren nodded. “That’s a bad thing?”

“Well, I don’t know. I suppose not. Now that I say it out loud, it sounds better,” Hux said as Ren unzipped his pants.

“Plus, you’re good at being on top,” Ren stroked Hux a few times and licked his lips. “I’ll show you how. Pay close attention, ok?”

***

“No, babe,” Ren said, “Use your lips. Like how I showed you.”

After concluding their hour-long trial relationship review session, Hux had booked the conference room for another thirty minutes so he could practice giving Ren head. There were urgent First Order matters that had needed to be tended to, and people that needed to use the conference room, but at the moment, Hux’s mouth was full of Ren’s cock.

“You’re constricting your throat too much,” Ren said, “And don’t use your teeth.”

Hux removed Ren’s cock. “I have a terrible gag reflex.” Behind them, Hux’s phone chimed.

“You really don’t have to do this, you know?”

“No!” Hux said, “I can do it.” He was determined to make it work. He took Ren back in his mouth and tried to open his throat, but just ended up gagging repeatedly on Ren’s cock.

“I think your mouth is too small,” Ren said. Hux’s phone chimed again. “Do you need to get that?”

“No,” Hux said, then took Ren into his mouth again. He choked and gagged a few more times before coming up for air. Ren yawned, apologizing as he did.

“Ren!” Hux said. His phone chimed.

“Sorry, babe,” Ren said, “Look, I don’t think this is your fault. I’m a bit bigger than average. And I think your mouth is smaller than average.”

“My mouth is fine.” Hux’s phone chimed again.

“You should check your phone.”

Hux rolled his eyes but turned to reach for his phone anyways. It was Phasma. She’d been sending him increasingly urgent snapchats of a stormtrooper demonstration taking place in the hangar. They’d gotten wind of the upcoming layoffs and pay cuts, and were acting out in response.

“Ren,” Hux said, wiping the corners of his mouth, “We need to get to the hangar.”

***

The scene in the hangar was escalating quickly. Stormtroopers were firing rounds into the air and Phasma was screaming into a megaphone. Her eyes bulged when she saw Ren and Hux.

“Where have you two been?” Phasma said, she’d taken off her helmet, “They’re about to tear this place apart!”

“Sorry, Phas,” Ren said, “We had our trial relationship review session, and Hux proposed to me in a PowerPoint slide, then he was busy choking on my cock.”

_“What?”_

“Give me that,” Hux said, taking the megaphone from Phasma. He struggled with getting it to turn on, arguing with Phasma for a few moments over how to use it, then yelled into it.

“Everyone stop!”

Everyone raged on. Hux used the megaphone’s air horn to halt the activities. The noise ripped through the air and the stormtroopers covered their helmet’s earholes.

“Put your signs down!” Hux commanded, his face having grown red with rage. He no longer needed the megaphone to be heard. Everyone put their signs down.

“I don’t know what you’ve heard or who you’ve heard it from, but unless these activities cease immediately, you will all be sent to reconditioning!”

“We can only recondition several stormtroopers at a time, sir,” Phasma said.

Hux ignored her. “I will be in touch with an update on our current budgetary and staffing needs, but until such a time as you hear from me, you are all expected to carry out your duties as assigned!”

The stormtroopers were silent.

“Anyone who does not wish to comply will be asked to turn in their blaster and issued a pink slip on the spot,” Hux yelled, “Have I made myself clear?”

***

For as much as Ren prided himself on being able to use the Force in his sleep, he hadn’t sensed that Hux was missing until he’d been sleeping in their bed for nearly three hours later that evening.

He rolled over in bed, groping for Hux in the darkness to see if he was there , but coming up empty. He blinked his eyes a few times in the dark, sat up and looked around. The pillow was flattened out -- just how Hux left it after he made the bed each morning -- and the blankets and sheets on Hux’s side of the bed were undisturbed.

_Hux hadn’t come to bed._

Ren checked his phone and saw that it was nearly 2 am. He threw the blankets off, disturbing Millie in the process and went out to the living room. Empty, besides the lizard terrariums Hux had helped him move from his quarters. Ren called Hux on his phone. No answer. He called three more times before Hux finally picked up.

“Ren?” Hux asked, “What’s wrong, darling. Is everything alright?”

“Where are you!”

“I’m in my office,” Hux said, “Still working on the budgets.”

Ren’s sighed, trying to slow his heart rate down.

“You said you’d be done by midnight.”

“I know,” Hux sighed, “There’s just a lot to get done.”

“I was worried about you,” Ren said, “I didn’t know where you were!”

“I’m sorry, love. I meant to text you. Time got away from me.”

“Well I’m coming down there to help you.”

“You don’t have to do that, darling. Go back to bed. I’ll be up after a while.”

“No,” Ren said, “I’m coming.”

***

Ren arrived at Hux’s office about a half hour later with coffee, a pizza, a large bag of Skittles and paper plates. Hux looked up at him -- his eyes were red, tired and mostly droopy, but he smiled when he saw Ren.

“You really didn’t have to come here, love,” Hux said, yawning as he stood up to take the coffees and kiss Ren.

“You’ve been in here all day,” Ren said, and kissed Hux’s lips, “And now all night. Have you eaten?”

Hux sighed.

“Sit down,” Ren said, “I’ll make you a plate.”

Hux sat back down and buried his face in his hands. “We aren’t going to make it,” he said, “This is the end of the First Order.”

“I think you’re being a bit dramatic, babe,” Ren said as he poured some Skittles onto Hux’s plate.

Hux shook his head. “I think our only course of action is to encourage all stormtroopers to sell a nonessential organ or two to raise funds.”

Ren gave Hux a plate that had two slices of pizza and a handful of Skittles with a coffee on the side. Hux looked at it. _A balanced meal._ He sighed, but bit into the pizza anyways.

“Why don’t you let me take a look,” Ren said as he made himself a plate, “I’m good with numbers. We’ll figure something out. And I’ll stay for as long as it takes, ok?”

***

Hux and Ren were sprawled out on Hux’s office floor, surrounded by mountains of paperwork, First Order financial records, empty pizza boxes, toppled chinese take out cartons, pillows, lizards and an antique accounting calculator that Ren had bought at a garage sale a few years earlier.

Ren clenched a pencil between his teeth and punched in a few numbers on the calculator with Dimitri curled up in his lap. They were going through each department and cutting costs.

“Even with decommissioning a quarter of our TIE fighters and selling them for parts, we still need to find another $3 million in flight operations costs to cut,” Ren said as the calculator clicked away and turned out curls of yellowed paper.

“What if we decommission a third of them?” Hux asked.

Ren punched in a few numbers and scribbled equations in his notebook. “Would still need to come up with $2.1 million.”

Hux slumped over sideways. Ren sighed.

“Babe,” he said, “I know you don’t want to hear this but the best way to save money would be to declare bankruptcy, stop the construction of Starkiller, cancel the gala, sell the _Finalizer_ and operate from a grounds base with a skeleton crew until we recoup financially.”

“Cancel the gala? But you already bought your dress, darling?”

“I can return it.”

“Sell the _Finalizer_? Who do you suppose we’ll sell it to? The Resistance?”

“We can sell it for parts, babe,” Ren said, “And it’s operating costs are so high, that having it out of commission would pretty much end our financial troubles.”

“We need to consider other options, Ren,” Hux said.

“And we are,” Ren said, gesturing around them to the piles of paperwork that Agamemnon was chewing on, “And we have been for the last 48 hours, but there are still billions of dollars we can’t come up with. Operating from a grounds base is much cheaper. How do you think the Resistance has managed to stay afloat with limited funds?”

Hux sighed. Ren was right. They’d whittled away at their finances over the last two days, so far as reducing paperclip orders and K-Cup delivery frequency, and still weren’t able to come up with enough to cover the $16 billion repair invoice, plus the $1.4 million bodily injury lawsuit. So far, their plans to resurrect the First Order finances had produced little result, and they’d racked up nearly $60 of takeaway food in the process.

“I need to take Agamemnon to therapy,” Ren said, standing and cradling Dimitri, who had just fallen asleep, “I’ll take Dimitri with me, but can you watch Bern?”

Hux looked over to where Bernadine was perched on his desk with Millicent, looking on at the sea of paperwork. She seemed to be the only sensible lizard of the bunch and didn’t cause much trouble. Plus, she got along with Millie.

“Sure,” Hux said with a sigh.

“Thanks, babe,” Ren said as he put Dimitri in a tiny car seat, which Ren insisted he needed _since he was just a baby!_ Agamemnon protested as he was placed in his carrier and then Ren put on his helmet.

“So we’re still having the gala tonight?” Ren asked.

“We’re absolutely still having the gala tonight.”

***

Ren had spent nearly four hours flying Agamemnon to and from therapy and used an entire tank of premium command shuttle fuel in the process, logging it for workplace reimbursement on his iPad as they docked. He got back in just enough time to drop the lizards off at their terrariums and meet Phasma at _Starkiller_ to get dressed for the gala.

They had their hair done first, the stylists washing and conditioning, then setting them both in curlers and then sticking them under dome hair dryers.

“How was therapy?” Phasma asked.

“Awful!” Ren said, “Agamemnon wouldn’t say anything!”

“Well he’s a lizard.”

Ren huffed. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me that you helped Hux pick out my ring!”

“It was supposed to be a surprise.”

“He wants to get married!”

“I figured as much when he asked me to help pick out your ring.”

“He wants to have kids!”

 _“Kids?”_ Phasma said.

“Real ones! At the fertility clinic,” Ren said, “And he wants five of them!”

“Yikes,” Phasma said, “Why so many?”

“I don’t know. I think he wants one with red hair.”

Phasma sighed. “In one meeting, he’s gone from your trial boyfriend to your baby’s daddy?”

Ren shrugged.

“You don’t want to get married and have kids?” Phasma asked.

“I do,” Ren said, “One day.”

“But not now?”

“I have three lizards to raise!” he said, “Plus, I’m still in the process of building my first treehouse and I haven’t even completed my training. Snoke is still expecting my dissertation on the inconsistencies of early Jedi teachings!”

“Well you can do all of that and still marry Hux,” Phasma said, “Plus, knowing Hux, he won’t want to get married until he’s conquered the galaxy anyways.”

Ren sighed. “That’s true, actually,” he said.

“So you have plenty of time. There’s no rush.”

Ren sighed. “I guess.”

“You guess?”

Ren shrugged.

“Kylo,” Phasma said, “What is it? You don’t want to marry Hux?”

“I love Hux,” Ren began, “It’s just all happening so fast. To go from a trial relationship to marriage?”

“Yeah,” Phasma said, “But there’s something else isn’t there?”

He sighed heavily. “I don’t want biological kids.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Then you should tell Hux.”

Ren frowned. “But what if it’s a deal breaker?”

“Then it’s a deal breaker.”

“But I don’t want to lose him!”

“You have to decide what’s more important to you. Kids or Hux, or find a compromise.”

“I mean, it’s not that I don’t want kids. I’d just always planned on adopting… like, once I’m settled in at my treehouse and once Dimitri is old enough to feed himself and once I’m the most powerful force user in the history of the galaxy. Then maybe I’ll adopt a kid from Naboo. They’re having a huge immigrant crisis there, you know.”

“You need to tell this to Hux.”

“I know,” Ren said.

“Do you know when he’s going to propose?”

Ren shook his head.

“You should tell him sooner rather than later, darling,” Phasma said, “He spent a lot on your ring, but I think he can still get a partial refund.”

***

Two hours later, the gala was finally underway. It had started forty-five minutes late because the balloons were behind schedule. Hux was furious with the delay. Dressed in his all-white general’s uniform he paced the floor of his _Starkiller_ office while Ren looked on.

“They got stuck in traffic, babe,” Ren said, “The balloons are here now though. Can we go to the cocktail hour?”

“I explicitly told them to arrive an hour before the event!” Hux yelled, “Not forty-five minutes after it began!”

Ren sighed and adjusted his gown. “Ok, but they’re here now. Can we go downstairs? Phasma said they’re almost out of those cocktail sausages I like.”

Hux rolled his eyes, but took Ren’s hand and kissed his knuckles. “I’m sorry, love,” Hux said, “We can go to the cocktail hour. But only after I get a good look at you.”

Ren twirled for Hux.

“You look beautiful,” Hux said, holding Ren’s hand as he spun.

“Thanks, babe,” Ren said and leaned in to kiss Hux’s cheek, “You look nice too. I like you in white.”

Ren brushed Hux’s sleeve. “Thank you,” Hux said and nuzzled Ren’s neck gently, “Let’s get you some sausage.”

***

By the time they got down to _Starkiller Base’s_ Great Hall, the cocktail sausages were all gone. They’d been the first to go. Ren sourly munched on shrimp as he and Hux milled about the crowd. The gala was as nice as they could manage on the budget they had. Hux had planned on proudly announcing that _they’d spare no expense_ \-- but they had. Truthfully, they’d spared almost all of the expenses.

They’d had to make a lot of last minute cut-backs. They’d cut the catering menu in half  and went with a cash bar instead of an open bar. There were grumbles among the crowd about the bar’s steep prices, but Hux didn’t care. The open bar would’ve cost them a small fortune.

The hors d'oeuvres table was mostly picked over. They’d decreased the food, but hadn’t cut anyone from the invite list, so the appetizers had gone quickly. Plus, once word got out about the cash bar, people had snuck in flasks and cans of soda to avoid having to pay for a drink.

“It’s a nice gala, babe,” Ren said, sensing Hux’s disappointment. They’d cancelled the decorations and flowers entirely and booked a more affordable band -- a sad string quintet made up of scraggly students from the Coruscant School of Music.

The raffles and door prizes had been nixed too, along with the comedian and magician. The only entertainment left was the quartet, but they were hardly entertaining, droning on sadly in the background while guests argued over the last of the fondue.

Across the floor, Ren spotted Phasma and Mitaka. Mitaka was dressed in an all-white tuxedo and white tie. Phasma had warned Ren and Hux that Mitaka was concerned he was overdressed, and told them to be nice.

“Lieutenant,” Hux said curtly in greeting, “That’s a fine tie.”

Ren knew that Hux was to be the only person dressed in all white.

“Thank you, General,” Mitaka said.

“That’s a nice dress, Lord Ren,” Mitaka said.

“It’s a gown,” Ren corrected.

“Did you get here in time for the cocktail sausages?” Phasma asked.

“No,” Ren said sorrowfully, “How were they?”

“Overcooked,” Phasma said.

“The guests are still hungry,” Mitaka said.

Hux rolled his eyes, “I’m going to get a beer. Do you want anything, love?”

“Get me a jaegerbomb,” Ren said.

Hux rolled his eyes, but made his way to the bar. Ren watched him go, then turned to Phasma.

“Is Hux going to propose tonight?” Ren asked.

“I don’t know,” Phasma said.

“Yes you do,” Ren said.

“I thought you could read minds?” Mitaka said.

“I can.”

“Not as well as he leads on,” Phasma said.

“Yes, I can.”

“Then don’t you know whether or not Hux plans to propose?” Mitaka said.

“It’s not that easy.”

“What’s so difficult about it?”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Perhaps I could,” Mitaka said.

“You’re overdressed!” Ren said.

Phasma rolled her eyes.

“What? Everyone’s thinking it! Hux was supposed to be the only person dressed in white,” Ren said, fluffing his dress.

Mitaka sulked away as Hux returned. “The cash bar is bloody expensive,” He said as he gave Ren the jaegerbomb. Ren downed it, then put it on a tray as a waiter walked past.

“That’s why everyone is drinking out of a flask,” Phasma said.

Hux mumbled something about a _fifteen dollar Bud Light_ as he sipped it and looked around. “Is everyone having a nice time, do you think?” he asked.

Phasma and Ren looked around. The string quartet was playing Mozart’s _Requiem in D Minor,_ the actual song of his death, while the guests yawned and scavenged for more food.

“Does it look like it?” Phasma said.

Ren tugged on Hux’s sleeve. “Is it time to blow up the moon yet? Maybe that will liven things up.”

“The weapon is still charging.”

“How long does it take to charge?”

“Entirely too long,” Hux said, pulling notecards from his breast pocket, “I do, however, have a rousing speech to deliver.”

***

If the gala wasn’t a bore before Hux’s speech, it certainly was after. He spoke for nearly a half hour about the triumphs of the Galactic Empire and the sophistication of modern warfare, specifically, _Starkiller Base._ He ended by urging everyone out to the viewing platform to see the weapon in action.

The invitation to view a massive deadly weapon in action did, in fact, succeed in livening up the crowd. The guests murmured in anticipation as they went out to the viewing area, just outside of the Great Hall. The platform was humming with activity and energy of the weapon surging below.

“This is safe, right, babe?” Ren asked as he adjusted his gown and took his place by Hux’s side.

“Yes, darling.”

“So the fire marshal signed off?”

“Not exactly,” Hux said, “This is just a test.”

“Which moon are we blowing up?” Phasma asked, joining them with Mitaka.

“A small moon off of Rakata Prime.”

“Is it safe?” she asked.

“That’s what I was just asking.”

“The moon is positioned far enough away from the planet than any debris will have ample time to burn up in the atmosphere,” Mitaka said, “It’s been checked by our engineering team.”

“What he said,” Hux said.

“Yeah, but is the actual weapon safe?” Phasma asked, “As in, the deadly weapon the entire First Order is now standing on?”

“I suppose,” Hux said.

“You _suppose?”_

“Well we haven’t fired it yet, Phasma,” Hux said, “That’s what this test is for.”

“Maybe we should have people watch from inside?” Ren suggested as the platform rumbled and roared below them.

“A few feet and a pane of glass will do very little in the way of safety,” Mitaka said.

“Maybe we should have people evacuate,” Phasma said.

Something beneath them surged. People screamed.

“It’s fine,” Hux said, “The engineering crew assures me it’s safe.”

The crowd was buzzing with activity. Excited, but terrified murmurs, low whispers and darting eyes.

“Does anyone live on the moon we’re blowing up?” Ren asked.

“I don’t know,” Hux said.

“You didn’t issue an evacuation notice?”

The weapon gurgled underneath them before shooting forth in a blinding blaze of fiery red and bright orange.

“I’m sure it’s uninhabited!” Hux yelled over the surge of power.

The laser continued spewing forth from a cut-out in the platform, sending tiny fireballs flying into the crowd as it broke through the planet’s atmosphere. The blaze seemed endless, searing up through the clouds, destined for a moon they could only hope was uninhabited.

When the laser beam finally made contact with the moon, they were rewarded with a spectacular explosion and a bright light, dazzling and victorious. Hux clenched Ren’s hand as the crowd cheered, slapping high-fives and clapping each other on their backs. Phasma and Mitaka hugged.

Hux, when he could stand to take his eyes away from his life’s greatest glory thus far, turned to Ren.

“It’s perfect,” Ren said and kissed Hux as the explosion roared on above them, debris burning up in the atmosphere, “It’s perfect, Hux. I love you.”

“I love you, Ren.”

***

Hux was especially riled up later that evening as he fucked Ren -- Ren, who was still wearing his dress, the fabric now bunched up obscenely around his waist. He’d worn a very impractical pair of lace panties, which Hux had ripped off in his weapon-induced frenzy.

The gala was still going on in the Great Hall, the moon explosion having livened everyone up enough to have another drink, dance and call for pizza.

In his office, on the desk, Hux fucked into Ren relentlessly, with the express purpose of making him come. Ren was laid out on his back, moaning, his curls having fallen and his mascara smeared. Hux was still dressed as well, having only unzipped his pants. His hat was slightly askew, but besides that, his outfit retained its flawless integrity.

“We should do this more often,” Hux breathed as he gripped Ren’s thighs.

“Do what more often?”

“Have sex with our clothes on after deploying a deadly weapon to blow up an entire moon,” Hux said.

“There are only so many moons we can blow up, babe,” Ren breathed as Hux gripped his waist now and dug his nails in.

“We’ll manufacture more,” Hux said, pulling Ren’s hips down closer into him. Ren moaned sharply, cursing under his breath as Hux rammed into him in just the right spot. Ren whimpered.

“Is that good, darling?” Hux asked, smirking down at him.

 _“Fuck,”_ Ren whined, “Yes.”

Hux rammed into him again. “Yes, _what?”_

“Yes, it’s good.”

“Tell me how good it is, Ren,” Hux said, bending over a bit and angling his thrusts to fuck Ren perfectly.  

Ren whimpered. “It’s so good, babe.”

 _“How good_ , Ren?”

Ren moaned as Hux laced their fingers together above Ren’s head. “Hux --” Ren breathed, “I can’t--” Hux squeezed his fingers and fucked him harder.

“Tell me,” Hux said, bending now to kiss Ren’s neck, biting down and then sucking. “I want to hear you say it.”

Hux found Ren’s spot again, making him squeak a high-pitched noise, his breath catching in his throat as Hux straightened, held onto his hips and resumed fucking him at a quick pace.

“Is it good enough to make you come?”

Ren nodded desperately.

“I need you to say it, Ren.”

“It’s so good, Hux,” Ren said, “I’m going to come.”

“I’d really like that, darling,” Hux said, “But I want you to wait until I tell you to.”

Ren’s eyes grew wide.

“Can you do that for me, darling?” Hux asked.

Ren nodded, biting down on his lip and squirming underneath Hux. “I- I think so.”

“Good,” Hux bent and murmured in Ren’s ear, nibbling his earlobe before straightening up.

“H-Hux,” Ren said, swallowing.

“Yes, Ren?” Hux said as he tightened his grip on Ren’s thighs.

“We _should--”_ Ren panted a bit at Hux’s relentless fucking into him, “We should do this more often.”

Hux smirked, and ran his finger’s over Ren’s cheek, his thumb coming to rest over his plump lips. “Do you like when I’m on top?”

Ren nodded, kissing Hux’s thumb and then sucking on it.

“You look so lovely underneath me,” Hux said, “And your dress looks so good bunched up around your waist.”

Ren squirmed. “I want to come, Hux.”

“Not yet, love,” Hux murmured.

Ren bit his bottom lip, suppressing a whine. He squirmed.

“I’m going to stroke you,” Hux warned, “But I don’t want you to come yet.”

Ren nodded. Hux took Ren’s cock in his hand and stroked him carefully. Ren’s breath caught in his throat again. Hux stroked Ren slowly, then gradually sped up until he was pumping his cock in time with his thrusts.

“Huuux,” Ren whined, “Please, babe?”

“Please _what,_ darling?” Hux breathed.

“Please, can I come?”

Hux nodded, “Ok. Come for me now, Ren.”

Ren didn’t delay. He came with a sweet sigh, the noise breaking in his throat and his come spilling all over Hux’s hand. Hux came shortly after, still inside of Ren, staying there until he came back to his breath. He pulled out of Ren and helped him sit up.

They could hear music filtering in from the Great Hall. Someone had plugged in a phone and queued up a party mix on Spotify. Hux tucked Ren’s hair behind his ear and kissed his nose. Ren’s mascara was still smudged and his hair was a wreck.

“Do you want to go back down to the party?”

Ren nodded. “They ordered pizza.”

Hux zipped his pants and kissed Ren’s nose again. “I love you,” Hux said, holding the back of Ren’s neck and looking him directly in the eyes. They stared at each other for a few moments in the low light of Hux’s office, illuminated only by the stars and the vast expanse of the galaxy visible through the window behind him.

Ren swallowed. “I love you too,” he said, his heart rate quickening. Ren imagined Hux pulling out the ring and getting down on one knee. His stomach turned. He swallowed again.

“Did I scare you?” Hux asked ,”By bringing up cohabitation and marriage and children?”

Ren shook his head.

“You’re not a very good liar, darling.”

Ren shrugged.

“Did I scare you?” Hux asked again.

Ren sighed.

“What is it, darling?”

“I don’t want to have biological children.”

“Ok,” Hux said.

“But you do?”

“I’d like to.”

“With me?”

“I’d like to, yes.”

“But I just said I don’t want to have biological children.”

“Perhaps you’ll change your mind, darling?”

“Perhaps I’ll change my mind?”

Hux nodded.

Ren sighed and stood up now from where he’d been seated on Hux’s desk. His gown fell back down to floor length.

“So you want to adopt?” Hux asked.

“I don’t know,” Ren said, “Maybe.”  

“Why don’t you want biological children?”

“Because I don’t want to pass my genes to anyone.”

“Why not?”

“It’s none of your business.”

Hux sighed. “Well do you want to get married one day?”

“I don’t know,” Ren said as he stalked to Hux’s adjoining office bathroom to wash his face.

“You’re nearly thirty years old and you don’t know whether or not you want to get married?”

“What does my age have to do with anything?” Ren asked and then splashed water over his face.

“The thirties are very important years for setting up the latter half of your life,” Hux said, “You don’t have a plan?”

“Not everyone has a five-point plan for their thirties,” Ren said as he snatched a towel from the rack to dry his face.

“It’s a five-year plan, not a five-point plan.”

Ren rolled his eyes and pulled a few bobby pins from his hair.

“Whatever. I don’t have one.”

Hux sighed. “So I scared you. With my plans for marriage and children.”

“Jesus, Hux,” Ren said, “Yes, you scared me, ok?”

“You could’ve said so,” Hux said, “Or, furthermore, you could’ve presented your own vision for our future and we could’ve talked about it then.”

“I did present a vision for our future! I said I wanted to go on more dates and have more sex and spend more time together.”

Hux rolled his eyes. “That was hardly a vision for our future.”

“Well that’s all I know for sure that I want right now.”

“All you know is that you want to go on dates and have sex and spend time together?”

“That’s not enough for you?” Ren asked.

“I have no interest in leisure dating, Ren,” Hux said, “I want to be in a committed, serious relationship.”

“Since when!?” Ren said, “Just seven weeks ago I had to convince you to even give me a chance.”

“I’ve changed my mind.”

“In seven weeks you’ve gone from not even knowing what I look like to wanting to have kids with me?”

“Yes!” Hux said, “I know it’s crazy, but I love you! I know what I want.”

“Well I don’t know that I want that.”

“Then why did you even bother to ask me to be in a relationship with you if you didn’t know what you wanted?”

“I know that want to be with you for now!” Ren said, “I just said that. Is that enough for you or not?”

Hux sighed. “I don’t know, Ren.”

“Unbelievable,” Ren murmured as he pushed past Hux.

“Why is that so unbelievable?”

“We’ve been together seven weeks!” Ren said as he pulled his gown over his head, “And already you’re dissatisfied with just being together?”

“I’m not dissatisfied,” Hux said, “I just know what I want long-term.”

Ren shook his head and muttered something else as he pulled on a pair of sweatpants. His phone chimed.

“What?” Hux said.

“Nothing.”

Hux sighed. “Why are you so upset, darling?”

“Because you’re stressing me out!” Ren said as he put a t-shirt on, “Seven weeks into a trial relationship and you’re already anxious to advance.”

“This was never a trial,” Hux said, rolling his eyes, “You knew we’d be together.”

“No I didn’t,” Ren said sliding his feet into his favorite Birkenstocks. His phone chimed again.

“So you’re telling me this really was a discovery process?” Hux said, “That you honestly needed these weeks to figure out if you want to be with me?”

“Yes,” Ren said as he stuffed his dress and shoes into his duffel bag and slung it over his shoulder. The phone chimed twice more.

“Where are you going?” Hux asked.

“Back to the _Finalizer._ Dimitri needs his eye drops.”

“Why does Dimitri need eye drops?”

“For his eye infection,” Ren said as he flung Hux’s office door open. Hux followed him out into the hall.

“You didn’t tell me Dimitri had an eye infection?”

“What does it matter to you?” Ren asked. “They’re my lizards. Not yours.”

Hux sighed, following Ren down the hall. “Are you serious, Ren?”

“What?”

“You’re honestly mad at me because I want to be with you?”

“No, I’m mad because you don’t just want to _be with me._  You want lifelong commitment and three to five children with red hair.”

“They don’t have to have red hair.”

“The baby on the PowerPoint had red hair.”

“And this is what you’re upset about?”

“I don’t want to talk about this,” Ren said. He was headed for the hangar.

“You can’t leave right now, darling,” Hux said, “The debris from the moon explosion hasn’t cleared.”

“I’m a good pilot.”

“Ren!” Hux said, raising his voice now, “Stop it!”

Ren kept walking. His phone chimed.

“And would you please check your phone!”

Ren stopped when he got to the elevator, pulled his phone from his bag and turned to stare at Hux.  

“You’re not honestly going to leave because you’re upset with me for being in love with you?”

“No, I’m leaving because you need to know that you can’t control everything, Hux,” Ren said, walking back towards him now, “You can’t just write up a five year plan for sucking the soul out of the galaxy or blowing up moons or being in a successful relationship.”

Hux stared.

“And you can’t expect other people to do the same, or to automatically want the things you want," Ren added.

Ren finally read the messages on his phone that had come in. Slowly, as he scrolled, his face drained of color.

“Ok,” Hux said, taking a deep breath, “Ok. I obviously hit a nerve. Bringing up marriage and children. Is it the Skywalker gene you’re nervous about? I know it’s quite a destructive family, but--”

“We’re not talking about this right now!” Ren said suddenly, summoning the elevator to take him down to the hangar, pressing the button desperately over and over again.

“Well we should,” Hux said.

“Not now,” Ren said as the elevator arrived.

Hux sighed as the bell dinged and the doors open. “Just tell me, Ren,” Hux said, holding the door, “Do you want to marry me one day or not?”

Ren stared at him, his finger hovering over the _door close_ button. Their gazes met, unbreaking for a few moments.

“Just tell me, Ren,” Hux said, “Please? I’ve already bought your ring, but I can still get a partial refund if I return it within two weeks.”

“I can’t marry you right now, Hux,” Ren said, “That was Snoke. Mr. San Tekka, my former middle school history teacher, has a map that leads to Luke Skywalker."

 

_In the final installments: While the Resistance tries to get its hands on the map to Skywalker before the First Order does, Ren is preoccupied with his treehouse construction and Hux is preoccupied with Ren. After nearly killing his father, Ren resigns from the First Order, adopts an orphaned Ewok and tries to settle into life on Endor. Reeling from ongoing financial troubles and the destruction of Starkiller Base, the First Order crumbles, and so does Hux._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof. I'm sorry about the millennium that has passed since I last updated!
> 
> There will obviously be a short sequel to round out this Discovery series, titled "One More Time." It will just be 2 or 3 chapters and I plan to have the whole thing written before I post, so those updates should happen quickly! 
> 
> I'm on tumblr: [its-the-neon-bible](http://its-the-neon-bible.tumblr.com/)


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